Relationship Avoidance

[new02]

Is it normal for PTSD sufferers to become workhalocics? Is it normal that they just dissapear without saying anything? My PTSD sufferer said he got too much work and have trips until the first of the year and he is gone. What is so weird is that he filed for divorce and has 60 days until all is finalized which coincides with the first of the year. I am sure he filed for divorce because I checked the records on line and the divorce case is in process. He then deleted his ex and me from Facebook as friends. He is just missing. Last time he just said bye.

Any thoughts.

 

[anni]

I can only say yes, it's a 'thing' with some of us. Please know I'm not saying it's a GOOD thing because it pretty much sucks for those of you on the other end of whatever it is we 'do'. He just sounds a little familiar, in that I have to say that avoidance is my worst, worst manifestation of this thing and I allowed it to get entirely out of control. The sort of complete and utter avoidance he managed is something I've been capable of, to be sure. I'm working on this, with my T so hopefully will get to the point of someday no longer leaving a baffled wake of deserted friends to mark my path.

I'd call him on it, if you can find him. It's what would work with me. I'd feel dreadfull, but gratefull someone cared enough to come looking. If he really is determind to just avoid everyone, there's not alot you can do however. He has to face down his tendencies by himself, and really work at getting them fixed-noone can do it for him. If I sound a tad tough on him, I suppose I am but it would be because I've had to be rather ruthless with myself over this. It's kind of the only way to just not BE that way anymore, really.

It's nice you've been concerned enough to come looking for answers, and hope you find some here. Take care,

Anni

 

[Nicolette]

Isolation is common for PTSD Sufferers - especially if they are are suffering from uncontrolled PTSD. Workaholism is a form of isolation.

If a Sufferer is overloaded it is common for them to avoid or push away those closest to them as they are the most difficult people for them to deal with due to the emotional involvement.

As much as I would like to tell you otherwise - "missing" is not uncommon either. PTSD with someone who has unmanaged PTSD can be a roller-coaster ride and the best advise I can give you is to look after yourself first.

 

[new02]

His PTSD was diagnosed two months ago after 20 yrs of suffering so he started therapy recently. This man is the love of my life. I have waited 18 years for him and I told him that if I have to wait 20 more, I would. He is the air I breath. He knows that he is the most important person in the world to me.

I know he is struggling with the divorce so while he is gone, I am learning to cope with PTSD. He has dissapeared twice before: the first time he said goodbye forever but then he got back; the second time just as now, he dissapeared without saying anything and then 3 weeks later he contacted me but in either instance he deleted me from Facebook. Then, two weeks ago he said that he is too busy with work and has trips thru the first of the year. Telling me that he is busy thru the 1st of the year was also like a hint and to me it sounded that he will get back early next year.

It is really hard because I live far away from him. Reading thru the forum I found a letter one sufferer wrote to his family and I cried while reading it and it made me understand a lot more about PTSD and I sent it to him to email and I hope he read it. In that email I told him that in my search for PTSD, I found that letter that got me to be able to know how and what he feels at times. He knows he is really important and what he means to me but I don´t know if I will hear from him ever again. I am learning that PTSD is a condition that does not get cured but for him I am willing to do anything for him even leave behind my work, my life and everything else behind for me.

 

[new02]

I meant that before he never deleted me from Facebook. Now he deleted me and his ex-wife so I guess he is trying to stay away from both of us and figure out what he really wants or that we see his whereabouts. I am guessing because I really don´t know what he will get with deleting us from Facebook.

 

[new02]

Thanks for your reply.

I am afraid that if I call him, I will make him more distant. I have sent email messages to let him know that I am still here for him and that I will wait 10, 20 or 50 years if I need to and that I will always be here for him. I told him that I will wait for him when he is ready. He has been the love of my life for 18 years though we took separate ways. Then, I sent a second email telling him that in my PTSD search to learn about PTSD,I found this forum and I found a letter written by a sufferer to his loved ones telling them how he felt and I attached the letter. In that second email, I told him that I am learning how and what he feels at times.

I hope he read the email. In your case, when you withdraw, do you read emails you get from the people you care or you also avoid reading anything from them?

 

[Roxyange116]

I am in the same boat new02. My boyfriend deleted me too from his fb but not my family nor any pictures of us together. This is the first time I am dealing with the isolation so its tough. It seems to just be me tho since he talks and is currently out with his long time friends. It's so hard to read and understand sometimes.

 

[James B.]

The wounded bear goes off into the woods alone, to heal his painful injuries. It may feel shameful (to male pride) to be injured, to be unable. Instinct (sometimes) pervades, and solitude is sought. Both to asses the full nature of the wounds, and to allow the powerful process of time (and nature) to begin to work her miracles.

 

[Angel Princess]

new02 and roxyange116 I too am dealing with isolation for the first time, he isn't my bf but I thought we were headed that way. He left me one morning saying he had things to do and would be back later that afternoon (we do not live together) and I never saw him or heard from him. I tried texting several times and got no replies.

Eventually about 14hrs later I text and said I was worried something had happened to him and could he just let me know he was ok. He did reply that time and said he was alive and that he was having alone time, not speaking to anyone, sorry. I asked if I would hear from him again and he said I would.

So now I am just here waiting and trying to work out and understand how PTSD affects him.

James B - your analogy makes so much sense and helps me to understand I just need to be patient - thank you

 

[anni]

I can only, only speak for me specifically in answer to your 'does he read them' question. This is hard for me to say-admitting to what I feel is shameful behaviour is tough-even admitting it is shamefull to please bear with me. I do not read these things mostly, at least 'at first'. Having begun the isolation and avoidance, it's incomprehensible to me that others could possibly, POSSIBLY be so kind and understanding as to not be 'mad', hurt and horribly disapproving- I do not wish the further pain of seeing what I (perceive) I've done to them so avoid the emails, too. It's some self- feeding cycle of self dislike that is hard for others to crack.

For what it's worth, I feel you're sort of doing the 'right thing', leaving the door open. Maybe he's not readiing your emails but he's getting them. Complete silence would say to ME that I've wounded the other person beyond repair, they are out there having completely written me off in anger and disgust. Perhaps change the tenor of your messages, and content, so they are not too emotionally charged for him to deal with, nor so frequent he's made reactive and can't even pause long enough to notice your acceptance of him.

Again, this is terribly specific to ME- as a world-class avoider for 20 years. I'm really good at it, and even working now very, very hard with the T to change this it's still my 'drug of choice'. We're meant to reveal bits of ourselves here, to shed light, help others to trust. I personally have a tough, tough time doing that because letting go of containing things feels just plain awful. If I feel like a schmuck and total jerk admitting to this nonsense I 'do', he's probably in some even worse state of self-dislike. It's hard to overcome, but just did want to say that this complete and utter acceptance of him thing you're so clearly capable of is definitly something which could make the difference in the end, if you have the patience. It could turn his isolating time into a time of healing, not one of shame and further self-hatred.

I hate to beat that poor, proverbial dead horse some more, but feel the need to say again, this is *just* what it feels like from the perspective of another avoider out here, so could be entirely off base.

 

[Tinyflame]

I find/ feel exactly the same anni.

 

[anni]

I was just about to log off- saw this Junebug. It gave me some tears actually-it's such a shamefull thing in MY head one doesn't think it's possible anyone else could understand. OR ( excuse me for saying this ) that a peach of a person like you has done 'it' too.

I replied in this thread, instead of perhaps a PM to Junebug because maybe this is all kind of at least good-to-know in case anyone else is hiding under a rock with this.