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Avoidant or just not compatible


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What's avoidance and what's just not wanting to be with someone.

Hello đź‘‹ I am having difficulty in a relationship where I recognise some avoidant traits (I am) but also I often rationalise them with being incompatible and it's hard to know whether I am avoiding intimacy or I am just not in to someone.
For context it was a very fast moving relationship, we were friends for a year before getting together. We have been together over a year now, live together and it's very much we are committed for the long term. But I don't know if I am staying for fear of abandonment or wanting to leave because fear of intimacy.

Honestly I respect and admire this person a great deal and getting with them was outside of my comfort zone because of that. They are wonderful and generous and loving and helped me feel calm and I feel like do that with them. I do love them. There are quiet powerful moments where I feel trusted and loved by this person that makes me feel wonderful. But I often question whether I feel the same and to that extend and whether I am essentially using them to fill a void and I don't love them as much as they love me.
See where the fearful avoidant traits comes in.

However, there is just a niggling list of incompatibilities that makes me feel unhappy with our life. Our focus on where we put our energies is different. I am all about a packed day where as my partner gets tired is less keen on doing those things and is much more a relax at home type person. Or if we do go out is much slower. This slowness can lead me unfulfilled or bored. I am very outdoorsy and they try to indulge and join in but it's just not the same. It's nice they do it but it often means I slow down or don't get the same thrill because I am going at a slower pace. I like doing a lot on holiday and having active holidays but I don't think we would have this together. That's something I miss greatly about my ex. Our holidays are often slow where I feel like we could have done more or made it more exciting. I sometimes feel like I am dragging them to do things or compromising in the amount we do it what we do. I am just not sure

I could have sex most days where as they don't. Often we have gone 3 weeks or so without sex and this is pretty hard for me honestly. I mean we have only been together a year and it feels like an old marriage. It's also frustrating because I just can't iniate anymore because it usually means rejection. When we do have sex the connection is great but sometimes it feels lazy or cautious. For them I think we have great sex but its not thrilling for me. It feels plain. When I raise this they mention the one weekend we have had sex all day. I just don't think having one example is evidence of having lots of sex or proof we have good sex. I think in previous relationships the first year is filled with. I dunno it gets me down.

I wonder whether we are finding our grove still and all of thes kinks will iron out. I have shared some of these concerns. Well all of them with my partner. And often it's framed as things will shift and there are reasons and we do do things. That we both need to try but honestly I feel like I am asking someone to change when I really shouldn't be and it's just a compatibility thing. They say ultimately they love me and that's the most important thing but I just feel these things make me unhappy and staying with each other isn't a good thing.

I am very away however this could be a deep unhappiness I just have in general. I struggle with contentment often feeling bored if I am not busy. I am aware my partner doesn't have to fulfill all my needs but fear if I pursue the things I want they just won't be in my life. And well that's telling.

My main hesitations is my history I had a pretty rough break up where I felt all these things about someone whilst with them and when we broke up after 5 years had the crushing realisation about how much I loved them and a lot of the things I complained about were things that were me being unappreciative or not joining in or being insecure. I don't wanna repeat this.
a recurring question throughout my entire recovery is. "which is psych symptom and which is circumstantial?" is that my social anxiety talking or am i truly incompatible with the person i feel i need to reject and/or am being rejected by? am i running away or is it just time to go? after 50 years of recovery, i still can't see clear, well marked distinctions between avoidance and incompatibility, impatience and pressing need, etc., etc.

my mantra for this conundrum is, "when in doubt, don't."
if i can get myself to sit a spell with whatever ^it^ is confusing me this time, the answer typically reveals in it's own time.