Awaking With Flashbacks

[darrenS]

I woke up this morning and found myself immediately going into emotional flashbacks , its been a constant battle for the past couple of weeks as the flashbacks only stop for short periods and i find myself constantly working on them to try and stop them, i ground myself , self talk, and do everything else , but they will not stop. Its all about my marriage and how my partner both treated and perceived me. I now found myself in a strange city alone, with no job, nearly out of money and no better, in fact im a lot worse. To make matters worse , i am trying to be a good father , but everytime i get near her , the flashbacks start and im at a total loss as to what to do. I want to be there for my kids , but going to our old home , just destroys me and upsets me for days , but i also know that if i didnt go after my kids , i would not see them. I have explained multiple times about my difficulties , but as always it falls on deaf ears . Add a healthy dose of guilt and pressure to support her or rather her career and im really spent. Im at a total loss as to what to do - after 16 years i have walked out with very little of what we built - i left because i could no longer feel safe with her , in fact i havent felt safe for years. She has moved me through 4 states with her career and i dutifully supported her and became the home dad, only to be treated like i didnt exist. She denies this , but her actions always spoke louder and opposite to her words. After the final move , i finally cracked, only to find myself completely ostracized and isolated. But sadly she still thinks i am responsible for her life and career. I am so tired of being in flashback mode and being triggered when im not.

I just want to run and hide, and isolate , but sadly isolation has become the norm , when you dont know a single soul , isolation takes on new meaning

 

[Jane.l]

Are you in therapy? Is ptsd from a recent trauma or something in your past ?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Job #1 in the new city is to build a support network. This is too much for you to carry alone. A therapist for one on one trauma therapy and possibly a support group.

 

[darrenS]

yes i am in therapy , trauma both recent and historic, Kwanying Girl , i have been looking for a support group or similar , but no success as yet

 

[Jane.l]

Could you see the kids away from your old home - I am sure going going back is very tough and that's understandable - are you on reasonable terms with their mother , must be really hard if you were the home dad - does it feel a bit like you have lost your identity ?

Sorry more questions than answers I know .

 

[darrenS]

it is extremely tough , i went this morning to drop my son off,and immediately started flashing back and had to leave pretty quickly , my 12 yr old daughter noticed , she was coming tonight but seeing as im a little zoned out from constant flashbacks , she has decided not to come . This is the first time ever , so im devastated , it may look reasonable , but no , not really , we try , but the damage has gone both ways

I have totally lost my identity - i feel completely empty and isolated

 

[KwanYingirl]

Lost identity? Look at it this way for fun. You can create the life that you've always wanted. You can live where you want.the world is your oyster . Who knows? A year from now you may think in the long run, this was a good thing. At least there's nothing in your home to remind you of your past. And this has nothing to do with you or your situation, but 12 year old girls are hypersensitive and starting their own journey in life. She may be stand offish- don't take it personal.

 

[darrenS]

its like schizophrenia, "your never alone" :)

 

[darrenS]

i did forge a new thing , that is why i came to the states , and it worked until the rug was pulled from under me with so many moves in such a short period of time, now all i built is lost . so im struggling , but i will come back , slowly but surely i will acheive my original aims

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have had to rebuild my life, too. My tenacity blows my mind. As long as you're moving in a forward direction, the occasional slides backward will happen less and less.

 

[Jane.l]

I am also in the process of making a 'new' me - not sure what that looks like yet as I seem to have to focus so much on just getting through at the moment.

Do your kids know about your ptsd ? I share my kids with my ex and I find that I am generally better when I have them - it creates more routine - and I sort of click into 'mum mode ' which brings around some distraction and a need to keep it together - as they don't know I have ptsd - Do you find you are better once you have them and you are away from the house ?

One of the hardest things I find at the moment is that if I try and look to the future I get totally freaked out - so I have to go day to day but that in its self gets quite depressing - and sometimes we need to be able to plan - on a practical level you need money = you need to find work - are you able to make progress there or do you feel too stuck right now ?

 

[darrenS]

Jane, i fully understand, yes my kids became aware after my hospitilization, my wife has also talked to them about it , so its a bit difficult to avoid. I find im fine with my kids but get very anxious and triggered when i have to go to my old home. I got triggered badly when i was dropping my son off yesterday, but rather than talk or try and explain i dropped him off and immediately left. My daughter would not come over last night as she was worried i was still in the zone. I have never mistreated my children and have had a great relationship with them. It was devastating and a very long night. Yes i need to find work , i did do some for a couple of clients 2 weeks ago, but need the people contact of a job. I am trying to move forward but the anxiety and depression is crushing me, i have renovations to finish , i have the very small chance of a exhibition of my work in some local restaurants , and it takes major effort to just get things together. I will succeed but also made a bad choice of starting prolonged exposure therapy a couple of months ago in the hope it would save my marriage....seriously big mistake, im now a real mess and its taking 10 little steps to acheive the equivalent of 1. I am moving forward and thats all that counts

Thanks for the response , it was much appreciated