Back From Hospital And Still Afraid

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I brought myself to the ER Tuesday after a series of recent events led me to being so suicidal I was actually thinking it out more than I have in the past and writing a suicide note. When I got to addressing my children in the note, I realized that I was in trouble and called my husband who told me to go to the ER so I did.

I was admitted to a psych hospital and spent a few days there. I am home now and I feel no better. The hospital workers were nice, but basically you're on your own there and it feels like there's no one to talk to and no one to help and because no one there understands DID, I end up teaching them rather than getting help.

So now I am home and I really feel no better. I both want to be here and desperately don't want to be here. I don't know what my next step should be. I feel like I need specialized help, but I am hoping that my therapist can get me through at least long enough to get through my son's birthday and Easter. I don't think my son would understand my missing his birthday. I missed my younger son's birthday last year and haven't forgiven myself for that even though I was away to get help. I feel like I am in crisis mode but have no time to be in crisis mode. Yet, I have have no desire to actually participate in life right now even though that's why I don't want further hospital admissions- I want to be there for my family. Any thoughts?

 

[VioletButterfly]

I am so very sorry to hear about where you're at. Sending gentle hugs and much supportive energy.

What does your T have to say about perhaps going for more intensive treatment? Is there anything local to you that has an IOP or PHP program where you could live at home, but also go for treatment in day programs? If you need more intensive care, I believe, in reading through threads, that I have seen a few mental health hospitals mentioned that have treatment programs for PTSD and DID. I remember Sheppard Pratt being mentioned, but there was another one as well. I just looked at the Sheppard Pratt site and they do have a trauma/PTSD/DID program. Perhaps your T could give you more suggestions and even work out a treatment plan with you.

Praying for you, truly.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@VioletButterfly , I have been to Sheppard-Pratt 3 times already. They are extremely helpful to me, but I don't want to go right now as it is far from my home. However, I have learned it the past that I can't plan a crisis nor can I pretend it isn't happening. The PHP program here just tries to convince me that I don't have DID (which really doesn't help) and last time I tried to get in they wouldn't let me anyway telling me several lies as to why they wouldn't except me. I e-mailed my therapist today and I see her on Monday. I am sure we will talk about the different options. Thanks for you support.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm sorry good treatment is so far away from you and also horrified to hear about the PHP experience. Glad to know that you reached out to your T. Hoping he/she can help you get the support you need. :)

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi, just want you to know I'm thinking of you and that I sent you a private message…

 

[OneToughCookie]

I am so so happy you hospitalized yourself. I would highly recommend creating a safety plan so you can act before things get so bad.
My therapist gave me a Safety Plan worksheet. Here's the layout:
Safety Plan (Worksheet) | Therapist Aid

I filled out the sheet and keep it with me everywhere I go. When I did end up in the space where I needed help, I didn't have to think creatively, which is often difficult when you're flooded with suicidal ideation. I just picked something appropriate and did it

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you try DBT. I had coping skills before I did DBT, but the worksheets I got in DBT had many more and now I feel confident about getting my emotional intensity down. If you need them immediately, I would recommend buying a DBT skills workbook.
DBT has stages that can get you from where you are to a life you love. Link Removed

I know you're probably in a very hopeless place, so I want to share my perspective as someone who has battled suicidal thoughts for the last eight years (I'm 21). Death is easy. I'm sure you think you'll never want to live in the way most people do; I did my whole life. Recently, my therapist noticed ways in which I experience life differently from others. I experience chronic boredom because I pull myself out of the moment noticing how what I'm experiencing is so similar to something else I've experienced. It's a form of dissociation, and it can be fixed. She also saw how I have internalized long-term objectification and so I confuse a life purpose with a function. I didn't know it until this week, but the feeling of "not being from here" is a form of depersonalization. These world views are things that can be changed. Depression can be changed; there are so many treatments I have yet to try, and some of them are helping me. I'm continuing to experience improved quality of life. I used to not want to get better, because I would have preferred to be "gone" but now I have hope of being like everyone else, enthusiastic about life. I just want to share that your perspectives can be changed and that "better" may not be what to aim for. Genuine enthusiasm about life, belonging, and the emotional experience of the connection you know exists cognitively are the real goals. I am so so so sorry you are in so much pain. :'-( I'm very concerned for you, and would love to help you through these experiences and listen to you. It's not because I want to pressure you into living (I always hated that "I know better" kind of help that didn't give me the option or authority to kill myself). It's because I want you to get out of this abyss of constant suicidal ideation into a more comforting place. I would be so glad to help you out of this spiral, so do not hesitate to message me. You are EXTREMELY deserving.

<Moderator edit to remove copy-paste. Please see: Administrative - Copying And Pasting Articles: Guidelines>

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks for reaching out, @OneToughCookie . I appreciate you taking the time to share all of those thoughts and that information with me. I don't always live in the realm of suicidal ideation, but it's definitely where I am living these days. And I know I need more help, but I am so reluctant to leave and hurt my kids by leaving yet again. I see my therapist tomorrow so I am hoping she can help me with some ideas to get me through this rough patch. I have done DBT before, but when I enter crisis mode, I don't really think about those skills any more. I have thought about taking another DBT course, but I honestly don't have the time with all of my other appointments, but it's definitely on my list of considerations.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@MEME , I saw your post looking for information on DBT. If you look above at the response I got from OneToughCookie, you should get some pretty good information. I know there are a lot of posts on the site that have information on DBT as well.

 

[OneToughCookie]

Your welcome! I have a billion appointments myself, so I can definitely understand that. I hope some time frees up for you soon or that you find an intensive outpatient program where you can continue to see your kids! Your emotional health is so important. Best of luck with your therapy appointment; I'll be thinking of you! <3