Back There Again.

[anni]

Hi.

It's been awhile since I've posted a thread. I don't even know what I hope to gain from this except that maybe by writing I'll get out of the dam door.

My 11 year old son is on the 3rd day of one of his migraines and I have to take him down to the ER for some IV treatment. I've done this before with little problem, but for some reason today I'm absolutely insane. Hospitals have longggg been a huge trigger, and I thought I'd left that behind. I thought they were merely a stressor now. At the moment I quite literally am light headed because I can't breathe, my heart is beating out of my chest, I cannot form words well, and am completely gripped with that stupid unreasonable, unmanageable fear/anxiety/dread/horror 'thing'. I have no idea on the planet how to pull it together when I get there, and can only hope to heck the people at the hosptial will assume I'm upset because my son is ill. I am, in point of fact, so perhaps that will not be tough to pull off. I have grounded, centered, prayed, pulled every dam tool out of the psycho therapy tool box I've ever heard of and invented several and I'm still a complete kook.

20 years out from that dreck I absolutely cannot believe I'm back to this. Wow. There's a melt down somewhere in the next few days somewhere. I have to say that at unlike any other time I've encountered a reaction this extreme, at least there's somewhere to 'spill', so thanks.

Anni

 

[Michel]

Anni, I wish I had an idea about how to help with your immediate need - "pulling it together" and feeling better now, but it sounds like you've tried the usual strategies. Maybe thinking about your freedom to tell the truth if you are asked at the hospital what's going on with you. There's nothing to be ashamed of in what you're feeling or, more generally, what you're going through. Or think about the fact that even though you are unable to make yourself feel better now, this feeling - at least in its present intensity - will pass. At some point, you will feel better.

One last thought - last because I don't think it will be very helpful to you right now. I had thought I knew the full range of things I might do when I am feeling overwhelmed. Then I had an accidental experience of what I guess could be thought of as music therapy. I was going through some old CDs and played one by a group called "Las Rubias del Norte." When a particularly beautiful song came on called "Confutatis," I really relaxed and opened up a little to new ways of thinking about what was going on with me. My point is not that this particular song will do the trick for everyone, but that there is hope for each of us that some as yet undiscovered "strategy" is out there for us.

Good luck today and I very much hope your son is feeling better soon.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear anni,

I know that this is not likely to be very helpful, -nor is it "Textbook-PTSD", but as you've said above sounds like you've tried everything you can think of and then some.
When I am in that position, I think of who I love: you are there for your son.
(and there is always a 'doorway' out to a 'mental break').

- I am pulling for you,
Meg

 

[Jestadud]

Hi, I think I'm copying Junebug here. My lad used to suffer migraines when he was younger and it's an awful thing to see them suffer and there is so little you can do for them. It might offer you some consolation to know that my lad grew out of it, he's now 24 and rarely gets migraines nowadays.

Sometimes you hate things but have to do them anyway.

 

[anni]

That was really all very kind, and very useful. It's an eye opener, because one feels one HAS exhausted absolutely every single tool and avenue that exists, when in fact I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself that I have to gather my resources and get the heck through 'it' again. In my dreary pity party, I'd forgotten music, and putting oneself beyond today, and the plain old perspective I'm always annoyingly telling others about, which is that noone is alone with this stupid thing. I'm still shredded, Ike still has a headache after a day in the ER, I'm triggered and upset as heck and spent the morning crying up a storm but probably for the first time 20 years I'm just talking about it instead of emoting.medicating or completely shutting down. Thank you.

The one thing I have a HUGE problem with Michel, and BOY I wish I didn't, is being able to get past whatever fear/shame/guilt/judgement thing must be attached to just being able to 'spill' about haing PTSD in the first place. WHY couldn't I just say to whomever at the hospital 'Excuse me if I'm not clear, and please be patient. I'm recovering from PTSD and sometimes this sort of situation can make me not communicate as well as I'd like'. It's not a mental illness, so why do I even feel this awful need to actually hide the fact? I don't even know if I'd get those 'funny looks' I dread because I've never given anyone the chance! :)

As ever, it's terribly helpful to know your son outgrew this, J, and it was very kind of you to take the time to mention that. Junebug- of course you were helpful, as always. :)

I was really dreading posting a thread, actually, just because it's always a little tough to ask for help, you know? I'm really. really glad I did. I'm still shredded but feel touched, bottom line, which ( bottom line ) is one of the single most helpful elements in this stupid PTSD.

With genuine Thanks,

Anni

 

[Michel]

Anni, I love your example of what you might have said if shaky at the hospital. I should tell you that, as far as "spilling" about having PTSD goes, I'm not comfortable with it either, but if I ever become more courageous, I'll be glad to have seen this model of what I might say.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

Anni,

Have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to send you a gigantic hug.

Tiger

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear anni,

I think that you're doing great and probably not giving yourself enough credit as to just how well you are doing. (Let alone the 'stress-cup' thing.)
Just take a few days to wind down.

You have nothing to 'apologize' for; sometimes I think the efficacy of just "spilling it" (in terms of making your life easier) is wholly dependent on the understanding/ absence of ignorance or prejudice of others you might 'spill it' to. That's also just using your discretion, experience and intuition.
And everyone would usually be wound-up waiting in an ER.

Hugs to you- you are such a terrific and sweet, thoughtful mom (and 'person :) )

 

[anni]

Oh my. For what it's worth, the hospital visit was a matter of just getting the heck through it. I did come home, and after my son was in bed again had a massive migraine. I absolutely am convinced I tend to get migraines sometimes as a way of being able to check-out for awhile, as stupid as that sounds. I don't mean to imply anyone else 'does' that. It's probably my own ridiculous little coping mechanism, and a bad one.

I'm still coming out of that dam PTSD fog. It's way too long to get into, but there are a plethora of associations with every, single thing which occured this past week from traumas. Hospitals, doctors, schools, sick children, ex's.... arggghhh. There's a fairly bloody past running it's tenacles through the themes and all it needed was a bunch of lawyers and judges gathered at the bedside to have sent me screaming into the street. Believe me, they were there in my head.

Thank you for sweet, kind and lovely words, which are always hard to associate with oneself, as I'm sure every single sufferer of this stupid things knows without exception. I've stopped forming words again but know from 20 years of slog that the skill will no doubt return also before too long. :)

Anni

 

[rjtransient]

You have my respect for soldiering on through it. I'm sort of cringing just picturing the situation you described, never mind having no option but to actually live through it day after day. My heart goes out to you. It's frustrating as hell and overwhelming (screw this; "overwhelming" doesn't quite convey the actual turmoil somebody goes through) when you've tried every practical solution in the toolbox and you still feel like you're drawing a blank.

I stumbled across a satirical how-to article the other day that reminded me of these episodes ("Escaping a Mindf*** Cycle" at Everything2 dot com). It went something like this:

"1. Accept that you are trapped in a mindf*** cycle. This is a bit similar to accepting that you are on a passenger train that is about to careen into a wall of solid rock.
2. Resist the urge to panic. If you must, place your head between your knees.
3. When you are no longer hyperventilating, stand up and walk towards the back of the train. You will find that you have a much larger perspective from this vantage point.
[. . .]
8. Now, turn your head to the side, and look out the window.
9. Suddenly you will realize that you are outside the train, standing in the green grass."

;p

Dry humor aside, I really feel for you. I wish I had better advice about dealing with triggering situations that are out of your control. It's not in your head. Talking about it takes courage, for sure, especially if it's not something you're used to doing or entirely comfortable with, and I know what it's like when the words just won't come without sustained conscious effort. Keep writing when you feel up to it. Use any coping mechanism that works, even if it's a day in bed with strong painkillers and the blinds drawn. I hope that you and your son can finally get some peace.

There's nothing wrong with "checking out" once in a while for the sake of your sanity. But Anni -- I think anyone would have a serious migraine after going through that ordeal, with or without PTSD making it all exponentially worse. Certainly, ER alone is a nightmare for some of us (and I remember your helpful and kind comments when I was dealing with the aftermath of hospital visits + medical triggers). I wish I'd been around earlier to respond instead of being bogged down in final exams, but there's some seriously good advice from the folks who already responded. So: this is kind of a belated response, and probably not terribly relevant except in the sense that I can relate, but I do hope you find some much-needed respite.

Sidenote -- I really liked what Junebug said about the 'inability to spill" issue (and everything else). There are layers upon layers of nuance to that. You have so much to deal with already. And I personally find that music is a wonderful coping tool, as Michel mentioned; I don't know what the relevant analogue might be for you, but it's my personal crutch when circumstances are driving me up the wall.

 

[anni]

I was just about to log off for the day, and saw this. It was actually a good idea to check the thread because it's been one of those stupid, stupid flares I'm having an awful time getting back under control. It was a very cool lesson in just bull-dogging through discomfort, too, because for someone as verbal as I realize I am it doesn't extend to being able to post a thread and spill. THAT isn't contained, and reeks of whatever sort of danger my head tells me is awful. Only a PTSD suffer could figure out that convoluted little train of thought. Rereading the threads is like having a therapy tape you can pop in and listen to at will, also. They were all very good, and distracting and different enough to be genuinely helpful.

I spoke to a therapist 2 days ago about making an appointment. When I joined here in October, one of the reasons was to try to trick myself into sliding back into therapy. Hmm. I convieniently forgot my dayplanner so she has to call me today to set up an appointment. Boy does one's head avoid the heck out of this stuff. I'm not fooling myself that wasn't on purpose. Note to self and anyone who allows their PTSD treatment to slide: try not to because the avoidant mechanism is a big, fat bugger to overcome after years of neglect. At any rate, I wished to thank everyone for replies because something made me launch that conversation with an actual therapist.

The blurb was great RJ! I still can't always listen to music. It 'opens' too much, so I tend to disallow that. I'm as far as classical, so that's something, and pop music which has zero history for me.The rest only can be turned on sometimes, but that's better than the total silence of 20 years. Laughing is probably the only non-contained item my head tells me is safe to indulge in, and it's very cool to laugh always.

I have to say I wish I was stressed by something a little easier to avoid in life than doctors and hospitals. Something like a ranger station in the middle of a national forest would be helpful, and I could tool around in much less liklihood of having to run into the dam thing.

At any rate, thanks so much! My heart is beating out of my chest, but that isn't a bad thing because someday I'll read this stuff and it won't any more. :) Back to being contained in every single word, action and movement but it's less scary letting it go here, for a bit, isn't it?

Take care,

Anni

 

[Michel]

Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Anni, especially about "containment." You've helped my troubled morning some.