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Relationship Bad Episode

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Blue34

New Here
Not sure how to perceive this episode. Several years in here and by no means has it been smooth. We have been together before treatment and post inpatient treatment with my vet reporting he is going to therapy and managing his meds and not drinking. The non smooth part is he will get in these episodes where I’m literally his enemy. To the point now it’s every other week. I try to talk to him about how I feel and how things impact me (his choices and behaviors) and he shuts me down. He will yell and leave. I try to talk about the future because everything comes before me. He yells and disappears. We have tried couples therapy but he acted the same way and I was so embarrassed I gave up. I don’t want to walk on egg shells anymore. This last episode has been horrible. He blamed me and my family for causing and making his PTSD worse (he is combat and was diagnosed and unmanaged way before me). But then would say “you saved me. I talk about you to everyone” all in a matter of minutes. He told me I’m not allowed to talk about the past because he already apologized.

I never feel heard and I’m trying to tell him how I feel to heal but to also get clarity and for the continued behaviors to stop. I just always put everything for myself in the back because I wanted him to get better and not be stressed.

I feel like I’m the only one in the relationship and the only one trying. I literally feel like he wants me to shut up and color. I know the PTSD and depression get compounded if personality disorders are present and I’m fearful that this is what is occurring. He is literally acting worse than before he went for intensive treatment and stopped drinking. I told him I want for us to work and have a healthy relationship and he said stop fixing, just let it be.

He said some other not very kind cold things. He is like a robot now. So I asked him do you want us to separate and his response was that he has x,y,z that he needs to do today and blamed me for not being able to focus on those. I’m really heartbroken, I feel like I’ve lost my relationship and partner. I feel like I’m in deja vu from the three years ago. The oddity is if people aren’t very kind towards me he gets angry or if he hears of other guys treating their spouses this way he gets upset but yet he is acting this way towards me.

Am I not allowed to share my feelings and how it impacts me? He says telling him is suppressing him. If I let it ride and take my space he pops up several days later saying he doesn’t want use over but then when it comes time to talk to figure all this out he gets so angry and shuts it down. Rinse and repeat. Is this norm for an SO to experience when symptoms or stressors are flared or I’m encountering a different beast here? I have no one to go to about this. My close people don’t like how he has treated me over the years and it’s always a “you keep trying with him”. This isn’t the man I know and the man I love. This is who he was when PTSD was running him. I’ve tried to even say that and he tells me “I’m good. I’m fine. I’m thinking clear. I’ve progressed.”
 
PTSD is cyclical... sounds like he’s pretty symptomatic again. Lashing out and being the designated asshole suuuucks. Somebody in here is being an asshole Bub, and it isn’t me!

Does he still get treatment, or is he resistant?
 
Oh my. I completely needed that. That elicited a laugh and validation for what I was thinking but didn’t want to say. Honestly, he says he is but I don’t think he is. I feel he hasn’t been going as much as recommended and canceling appointments but I took a way hands off approach because he needed to learn to take care of himself and he isn’t my child. Plus he took me off the ROI because I had verbalized my concerns two years ago during an anniversary month that he was making references towards SI and HI. I can tell the difference from when he was going and when he wasn’t. I know the whole distancing and the onset of the pandemic set things in motion coupled with this possible diagnosis of cognitive deficits. He refuses to admit he had or has a TBI and it’s getting worse and he won’t tell me when he went for further testing what the results were (I’m concerned is degenerative). With covid he has been scared about getting myself and little guys sick because it triggers the loss he has experienced. I try to explain that yes this a real fear, however, PTSD can’t run your or my life. It has snowballed greatly. It’s frustrating watching someone tank and then be the brunt of it. I don’t understand if this is a flare up, why am I the brunt and essentially the enemy (that is how it feels)? Example: I could say the sky is blue and he will tell me your wrong and your evil for thinking that. I could say hey I know your needing to finish that project but can you give me 5 minutes because I’m really hurting right now and confused and he would say “I told you I have this. can I do this because you always keep me from doing what I need to do? This is important.”
 
TBI exacerbates PTSD. It’s not always a fun combination. From my understanding, TBIs are not necessarily degenerative themselves, they just might maybe increase the odds of degenerative conditions down the road. Nobody knows for sure, because they’re still researching.

TBIs can cause cognitive and memory issues as well as mood swings... good times with PTSD too. We have that TBI/PTSD combo going on here too.
 
If drinking was in the mix, getting sober doesn’t mean that everything is better. It means whatever the alcohol was being used for is no longer “medicated” by the alcohol. There are a number of behaviors that come with that process - and a number of ways supporters get pulled in to the dance.

I feel like I’m the only one in the relationship and the only one trying.
Yep. This is really common when someone has been drinking and gets sober.
He is literally acting worse than before he went for intensive treatment and stopped drinking.
That’s really common too. He doesn’t have his old maladaptive ways of coping and he isn’t doing the work to replace them with new ways of coping quickly enough so all the crap is falling through the cracks.

And right now, you walking on eggshells is “working” for him enough to keep carrying on as it is now. This is how he will be. you can’t change him. Therapy can’t change him. Others can support him but at the day, only he can change himself. He’s cool with things as they are now, even with all the pain it causes you.

As long as YOU are the bad guy, he doesn’t have to face the shit he is feeling inside. He can instead blame everything on you.
 
Yes which when he is in a good emotional state he utilizes the skills to work with the TBI. The degenerative question was they were leaning towards the concussive CTE but you are right it’s still ongoing research and almost unable to diagnose. Thank you for her response.

To both of you, what do I do? I know the boundaries component and that is always a work in progress. It’s funny you say he likes the way things are now because whenever I bring up progression and future talk or speak about making some changes...the push back I get is intense. It often falls to...”you need to make a decision” to which I respond, “well the decision accounts for both of us and these would be the results if I choose to leave so is that what you want” to which he will then deflect. He knows that what he is comfortable with now to “cope” in these episodes isn’t the healthiest. We have done this for over two years with “treatment” yet he will keep returning to isolation which when he comes out of he admits didn’t help because his mind was all over. I accept I can’t change him. I just can’t manage to not personalize in the moment nor heal from the prior times things have occurred...because they keep repeating. Maybe I just answered myself...I need to grow a pair and make a choice if what he is comfortable in right now is conducive to me. Way easier said than doing because if I did it at the wrong head space time there is no logic or rationality.
 
Maybe I just answered myself...I need to grow a pair and make a choice if what he is comfortable in right now is conducive to me.

This^^^. He’s not in charge. You can make the decision. If you don’t flat out leave, then you can at least stop the madness. Don’t stand there and listen to his blame game. Don’t apologize for his interpretation of events. Don’t engage when he’s spewing nonsense. Don’t try to logic when he’s being illogical. Just because it’s happening in his head doesn’t make it true. He doesn’t always have the right of way because he’s ill. His feelings aren’t more important than yours. It is OK to put your foot down. He’s already mad at you for no reason, may as well lace those shoes up, baby!
 
This^^^. He’s not in charge. You can make the decision. If you don’t flat out leave, then you can at least stop the madness. Don’t stand there and listen to his blame game. Don’t apologize for his interpretation of events. Don’t engage when he’s spewing nonsense. Don’t try to logic when he’s being illogical. Just because it’s happening in his head doesn’t make it true. He doesn’t always have the right of way because he’s ill. His feelings aren’t more important than yours. It is OK to put your foot down. He’s already mad at you for no reason, may as well lace those shoes up, baby!
Thank you. I think I needed that boot in the ass to motivate my strength. I mean I could give him a reason to be mad at me by saying “oh no sir not dealing with it”. Thanks...I like your feedback and guidance. I don’t want to leave but I know that at some point I will have to if he is not able to get a better handle on stuff, not out of spite, but love for myself and respect for where he is at. But I guess I am more in control than I think and I have control over not allowing for it continue and dipping into the madness. See the funny thing is I am balls to the wall don’t mess around to the point (hence why he got into treatment to begin with), but since then with him I’m not and I wonder often it contributes to the continued episodes. Maybe I’m so fearful of fluffing him that it enables him?! Enabling doesn’t help it just keeps the cycle going. Mmhh?!
 
So I took your advice. I feel really empowered. I made it very clear...do not project on me and do not speak to me that way. Do not take for granted me being supportive and do not ruin my evening because you are stressed, scared, symptomatic...what it may be. I care about you and I want what’s best for you and to be better but not at the expense of my well being or emotional state. He conceded and apologized. Oh my he conceded and apologized for the first time in years without days or weeks of drama.
 
I just kinda got to a zen point with mine... I love him, and I don’t want to leave, but if he leaves me for standing up for myself, then I’m good with it. I won’t live cowering in a corner. I want to be happy. Being a martyr won’t make me happy.

I love my Vet to pieces, we’ve been together almost 8 years. He’s my favorite person I didn’t give birth to... but he’s not the source of my happiness and well being. I am. If our relationship would end because he is not healthy enough to function in one, or if he becomes toxic, or if I become codependent, then I’d he happier alone. I would miss him, be sad, and need time to mourn the relationship, but my life would not end.

I feel really empowered.

Good for you!! Life is a lot easier when you set those boundaries!!
 
@Sweetpea76 - you’re awesome! I have so much respect for you!
@Blue34 - hugs to you! My only advice is not to make excuses for his behaviour. If he’s being an arse then whether he has ptsd or not he’s being an arse. If your basic needs are not being met in the relationship it doesn’t make you a bad person if you leave. Ptsd doesn’t change that.
 
Yes! Bad behavior is not always PTSD. Sometimes that person is just not acting right. Sometimes that person is just being an ass. Symptoms are one thing, but coping methods are not symptoms. Negative reactions to symptoms (like lashing out) need to be worked on.

An asshole can get PTSD too.
 
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