Sufferer Bad Injury On Lsd (by Someone Else)

[healingdove]

I took LSD with a few people one month ago (I had only tried it twice 10 years ago and never had an issue with it--nor any history of drug addiction or mental health problems, just one dumb decision that I thought would be "fun" for a few hours).

One person had a psychotic reaction and slammed my hand in a door when I was protecting another person in the house from them, which cut off part of my finger permanently. Because I was totally aware I had taken LSD, I looked at my finger (bleeding profusely) and convinced myself that I was just having a bad trip and that it didn't really happen. Nobody would let me get medical attention because they didn't want to get "in trouble" for having drugs in their house.

I knew that the LSD would only last 8-10 hours max. I stared at the clock and fixated on when my trip would "end," not realizing that my injury was REAL. The pain was horrific but I thought I was just "imagining" it, or hallucinating it. When 10 hours passed and my finger was still missing, that's when I "lost it" or went into what I will call a true death experience. The only way my brain was able to reconcile the nightmare of what happened was telling myself I must have died from the injury and that I had entered the afterlife.

I put "band-aids" on my open wound for 5 days until a relative saw it without a bandaid on and took me to the emergency room. I stayed in this "afterlife"/crossroads place mentally for 11 days, I even thought the emergency room was fake, the x-rays were fake, everything fake. I was paranoid of everyone/everything. I never slept. I now know that for that whole time I was in a fight-or-flight constant response. I had to pee every 5 minutes, no food would digest, I could hear every sound at once, it was horrible.

After the 11 days, conversations with a loved one started to help me see glimpses of normal. For the first time, I began to see what happened to me ACTUALLY happened to me and that I was an alive person experiencing the effects of trauma. Once I realized I was alive, that's when I started to have specified panic attacks... I came out of the 24/7 panic and into back and forth glimpses of normal and complete panic episodes. I had never had anything like this or any mental problems in my entire life.

I finally saw a therapist and am getting sleep at night taking adavan which has greatly reduced the daytime panic but things are not 100%. I know that I made a terrible choice to ever agree to taking a drug, but my hand was purposely slammed in a door when I was trying to protect someone else in the house. I lack family support because I told them the truth and they just blame me for taking the drug in the first place (the reality was we were all in serious danger from the person who had the bad reaction to the drug). My actual experience of the drug itself was just the stars looking extra bright outside (I wasn't having crazy hallucinations or anything intense). Finally my "friend" called the paramedics and they took the other friend away and put them on anti-psychotics, so the dangerous person was gone.

I am trying to move forward... but who can relate to having felt truly gone/dead? The sad part was how much I believed and accepted that I was in fact dead and tried to just breathe and embrace my new "fake life" with my "fake" family and "fake child"? It was the worst feeling ever. having such an intense experience and like I can't relate to the "average" person from my former life? I know I am getting better, but there is some need of mine to connect with others who understand what I went through, especially with an additional physical injury that is STILL an open wound trying to heal. It is so hard...

 

[Gamereign555]

I don't quite know what to say. But I do know from experience that fearing for your own life for extended period of time, fearing imminent death, true dread can have drastic effects, including shock, panic attack and hyperventilation, intense feelings of fear and even thoughts of not wanting to accept help as it only confirms the reality of what is happening..that I would never see my love again, that everything that we experienced together and the hopes for the future were no longer because I was going to die. It is hard to explain but it does something to the brain that literally just breaks it. It was the straw that broke the camels back for me and everything else I did to mend the traumas of my past came undone. Things would never be the same again.

Have you considered that illicit drugs can lead to pretty intense changes in the way a brain works permanently? LSD, PCP, probably even meth cause a unique type of permanent or otherwise damage to the brain that could have caused or helped alter how your body normally deals with trauma in that instance or from now on. I believe there is a type of illness that falls under, but might not be ptsd as defined by professionals. Have you seen a therapist?

 

[Diore]

I can't relate to all aspects of your story - but I do know paranoia and panic and that awful feeling of "this isn't really happening". And I'm very sorry that others in your life have been judgemental. That you took the drug does not make it your fault that someone else slammed your hand in the door.

Welcome to the forum - I hope you find people who can relate to you here and who will respond with compassion.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((healingdove)))))

I'm sorry for all that has happened to you.

Your story brought back some of my paramedic experiences.

Welcome to the forum. May you find support, comfort, and healing here.

I used to surround myself with unsafe people due to the abuse I suffered growing up, which simultaneously made me fearful of being around 'normal' people, and lacking discernment and empowering 'self-protection' skills which would help me keep myself safe no matter where I was (within reason.)

This puts us at risk of being traumatized. As we get better, we learn to value ourselves and stop choosing to be around the type of people who would deny an injured person life- or limb-saving treatment. There are so many of those people out there. But it is good to know that at any time, we have the right to see aid and anyone who tries to stop us is an abuser and we do NOT have to comply.

Abusers look out for themselves at the expense of others. I hope you're safe from all of those people now.

Keep reading, sharing, and speaking gently with yourself.

As my sponsor likes to say 'It doesn't matter what car we drove to get here, we're all in the ditch, now!'

:>

 

[healingdove]

gamerreign-- brain chemistry changing on psychedelics is true for heavy users and for triggering a pre-existing condition like schizophrenia or something someone was destined to have or exacerbating it... for for someone like me who has taken it in total 3 times over a lifetime, I am not worried about it having changed my brain chemistry... everything feels normal, i can think clearly again, I have never had a trauma like this so I have nothing to compare it to. Obviously, I am suffering the after-effects of what happened and that my finger healing is taking very very long. Fearing for my life for a long period of time though,thanks for mentioning that, as it is a serious part of it... I feared for myself and child, I thought I was in hell, I almost jumped from a building (having never once been a suicidal person) and the only reason I didn't jump was because I was scared that re-dying and the next level of hell would be worse.

Sila-- thank you for the welcome... it helps to hear that part that was not my fault when I already feel so guilty about everything.

Bloominwinter, thank you....that is so helpful to hear about being around dangerous people increasing potential for trauma... That sad part is that I had been living a happy, "normal" life around good people for over 8 years and then decided to visit a "friend" from my past when I used to hang out with dangerous people as a teenager (I thought this woman had grown up, matured, over the years and didn't realize they still regularly took drugs). They got a "babysitter" for the night and kept pressuring me to take the drug, saying how I just needed a break from being such a responsible single mom all the time (I was running a full-time business, going for my masters degree, being a full-time parent, etc. so I eventually caved by the 4th pressure and said yes, thinking it's just a few hours and my son is with a babysitter and will already be asleep). I am so thankful that I have such good people in the majority of my life, good parents, a good sister, a wonderful toddler that would never deny me medical attention....now the problem is just getting to "enjoy" my normal life, enjoy my career that I love so much but has been affected... I work in childbirth and had to leave a birth right before the baby was born (my favorite part) because I started to have a panic attack... it makes me so angry that anything even has the right or capacity to the joy out of any part of my life... I just want to feel blessed and happy with what I have and thankful and then this panic tries to steal that away... it has gotten better than it was but I do not want this to be some lifetime thing that I always have to re-visit... does anyone get to the point where it is so minimized that you only re-experience once a year or every few years?