Banging between rage and fear, all the time

[Dot Warner]

Hallo everybody!
Long time no see :)
I hope you all are not too bad.

Reading my old posts from 14 years ago, I can tell I have had a more difficoult life than I remembered....so I must still be having memory problems..
I don't care, I declare my memory problems solved, because my mind is functioning since summer of 2023.

Anyways, I am still having a hard time with emotional regulation.
As the title says, I continuosly bang between rage and fear. It is hard for me staying in the zone of other emotions, I am always scared or in rage inside, even if I can fake other feelings/emotions.

I know this comes from the amigdala hyper-activation.
Do anyone of you know how to reduce the presence of fear and rage, above all the non-stop banging, in my mind?

I think it all comes from the lack of an inner sense of security.
But I don't think there's anything I can do about that.
Any suggestion?

Dot.

PS. My English is better now, I hope I will not be banned for how I write

 

[Sideways]

But I don't think there's anything I can do about that.
Any suggestion?

Yup yup - body-focused therapy approaches, like somatic therapy, yoga, tai chi, etc. There is now trauma-informed yoga if you can find it, but I personally just use the Downward Dog app and alternate between tougher programs when I’m doing well, and restorative yoga when I’m really struggling. Amazing sense of inner calm with practice!

 

[Dot Warner]

Thank you

 

[Ecdysis]

Instead of rage, I like to label it "fight survival response" and instead of fear, I like to label it as "flight survival response". That helps me see how they are reactions that make sense as part of my PTSD. And that they are survival responses designed to keep me safe and keep me alive. And then I can focus on calming them down and finding a more rational, useful response instead.

 

[arfie]

I think it all comes from the lack of an inner sense of security.

in my own case, this is one source. there is also a sense of outrage that some of the stuff i survived as a child is even allowed to exist.

but i believe there is a physical component born of my over-developed survival instinct. fear/anger (to me, anger is escalated fear) trigger hormones from the lymphatic system. these are some of the most powerful and addictive drugs on the planet. within this theory set, i was an adrenaline junkie before i was physically mature and my dealer lives in my head with free fixes available without consciously asking. the hits just keep on coming. i consider myself a recovering chaos junkie.

a detox diet is my first deliberate response when i find myself caught in a fear/rage cycle. vigorous exercise helps tremendously, which can also double as anger channeling for the sake of settling my psyche. i sometimes tape a picture or memento of whomever/whatever i am angry with to a fence post and proceed to beat the unholies out of it. dipping my stick in ketchup can add a satisfying special effect.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find what works for you, dot. welcome back.

 

[Dot Warner]

Sideways, I downloaded the app and I am starting with yoga today ;)
Anyways, I was referring to the lack of an inner sense of security.
Do you have any method to obtain/acquire some inner sense of security?
Because I think that is the root of many of my problems.

Dot.

 

[Dot Warner]

in my own case, this is one source. there is also a sense of outrage that some of the stuff i survived as a child is even allowed to exist.

but i believe there is a physical component born of my over-developed survival instinct. fear/anger (to me, anger is escalated fear) trigger hormones from the lymphatic system. these are some of the most powerful and addictive drugs on the planet. within this theory set, i was an adrenaline junkie before i was physically mature and my dealer lives in my head with free fixes available without consciously asking. the hits just keep on coming. i consider myself a recovering chaos junkie.

a detox diet is my first deliberate response when i find myself caught in a fear/rage cycle. vigorous exercise helps tremendously, which can also double as anger channeling for the sake of settling my psyche. i sometimes tape a picture or memento of whomever/whatever i am angry with to a fence post and proceed to beat the unholies out of it. dipping my stick in ketchup can add a satisfying special effect.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find what works for you, dot. welcome back.

Thank you Arfie for your insights.

Sometimes fear is escalated rage also for me.
But most of the times is the direct consecuence of having absolutely no safety net, of walking always on a thin thin rope.

I used sport to calm myself, but I cannot use it anymore, because of years of medical malapraxis here in Catalonia where a live.
On September I will have a knee prothesis installed, I am 49 and that is only part of the story.

I guess I am also so so much tired of being victimized over and over again.

I already eat very well.

The only thing that gives me some sense of security is money, but that is an external and changing factor.
So I cannot rely on that for my mental health.

I hope I will feel safe one day.
Hugs.

Dot.

Instead of rage, I like to label it "fight survival response" and instead of fear, I like to label it as "flight survival response". That helps me see how they are reactions that make sense as part of my PTSD. And that they are survival responses designed to keep me safe and keep me alive. And then I can focus on calming them down and finding a more rational, useful response instead.

Thank you Ecdysis, you are right.
How do you feel safe?

Dot.

 

[Sideways]

Do you have any method to obtain/acquire some inner sense of security?

Yeah, it’s why I recommended the body-focused bent. There’s a lot of ways to calm down the brain, but for the sense of feeling safe within myself, I had to learn to feel my body, in a way that was calming and safe. So definitely I’d be following the somatic therapies.

The app is great - it allows you to be very flexible with how hard or long you want to go. Start easy. The goal for using yoga with ptsd is to just learn to experience your own body in a way that’s safe. It can be confronting at times - anything that feels uncomfortable or unsafe - notice that, and give yourself a pass on that move for now if that helps you continue. Don’t try and force things that feel unsafe. One of the benefits of doing yoga at home is there’s no one around to judge what you do or don’t do:)

 

[Dot Warner]

Yeah, it’s why I recommended the body-focused bent. There’s a lot of ways to calm down the brain, but for the sense of feeling safe within myself, I had to learn to feel my body, in a way that was calming and safe. So definitely I’d be following the somatic therapies.

The app is great - it allows you to be very flexible with how hard or long you want to go. Start easy. The goal for using yoga with ptsd is to just learn to experience your own body in a way that’s safe. It can be confronting at times - anything that feels uncomfortable or unsafe - notice that, and give yourself a pass on that move for now if that helps you continue. Don’t try and force things that feel unsafe. One of the benefits of doing yoga at home is there’s no one around to judge what you do or don’t do:)

Thank you Sideways, I will read about somatic therapies and body-focused bent.

I think that this is very important "Don’t try and force things that feel unsafe.", because infinite times I am in situations where I feel unsafe, but I have to stay there and go on.
Also, many times my life and circumstances depend on people I don't trust and I cannot do anything about that, I cannot change that.

So I suppose that this deepened my trauma.

I will try your methods.
Thank you again

 

[Freddyt]

Ahhh......the mail slot of tolerance......so really, you need to learn ways to empty your stress cup.

Because as it fills the window of tolerance closes. And as it closes we tend to bounce between the bottom and top ie: between barely functioning and dissociation.
Get good at whatever empties your cup.
Get to where you are doing those things without thinking about doing those things. Like the day my T asked what I was thinking and I started reciting what was going through my head out loud.....I am in my t's office, I am safe, I see.........

It gets the window open more and you have time to make choices so you can stay away from getting overwhelmed.

 

[Dot Warner]

Thank you Freddyt