D
Deleted member 5838
I am 18 now. I have come to a realization that whatever is making me feel and act this way needs to be dealt with so that I can get on with my life and stop hurting people I care about. I am posting my experience in the hope that someone can identify with it if it is indeed CPTSD.
My experience doesn't sound so serious or traumatizing compared to some that I have read here. When I try to bring it up with my mother she wonders why I can't get over it when it has been years and she has already apologized. And besides, "It was your fault to begin with." I want help with this but I am worried that I am going to be told to get over it, that ptsd is for soldiers and rape victims.
I was 14 when my mother told me we would be going skiing together and instead left me in a behavior modification program without saying a word to me. They used cult tactics at this school and it was very isolated from society. I was told there was no escape and that I would be there until I cooperated or turned 18. A lot of stuff went on there but it's hard for me to write about. I never felt safe there and was on constant alert. I lost all control of my surroundings. I felt like I had been abandoned in hell by my family.
After two months my mother stopped trusting the people at the school and came to get me. Our relationship got much worse after I was back. I was extremely critical of and verbally abusive to my friends and family. I took everything personally. I argued when it was unwelcome. When people complimented or thanked me I assumed they had some ulterior motive.
I had nightmares for a long time that I had been sent back to the program. I would wake up in a panic thinking I was still there. For a period I slept with a dagger under my pillow in case the transporters came for me in the middle of the night (as is their custom). I once promised my mother that if that ever happened again I WOULD take someone else out with me.
When I moved out I completely isolated myself inside my room. At college I managed to almost entirely avoid my room mates. If I thought they were outside I would stay in my room until they left. I stocked up on food and just stayed inside for days and weeks at a time. I developed phobias of any interaction and I started blaming everyone else for my unhappiness. I thought deep down everyone was like the people in the program and stopped seeing any evidence otherwise. After months of almost no social interaction I stopped feeling like a person. I thought I could never be happy. I assumed I could never be successful at anything I had dreamed about when I was younger and that nobody would ever give someone like me a chance. I never received any reply to job applications and that cemented pretty well in my mind. My only goal was to escape my persecutors and eventually that was everyone.
When I saw a counselor last year I wasn't ready to admit any of this to him because I didn't trust him (therapist in the program reported me for something I had said) and because I had completely rationalized my avoidance. I told myself I wanted to be alone, that people could only hurt me and weren't worth the trouble.
I feel really, really guilty about how I have been treating people since I came back. I want to rejoin the world. I would like to think I am not just a horrible person who does this on purpose. Is there anything I can tell people I hurt so they can understand and not just think I am making excuses? I haven't received much sympathy when I have tried talking to people about what happened there.
My experience doesn't sound so serious or traumatizing compared to some that I have read here. When I try to bring it up with my mother she wonders why I can't get over it when it has been years and she has already apologized. And besides, "It was your fault to begin with." I want help with this but I am worried that I am going to be told to get over it, that ptsd is for soldiers and rape victims.
I was 14 when my mother told me we would be going skiing together and instead left me in a behavior modification program without saying a word to me. They used cult tactics at this school and it was very isolated from society. I was told there was no escape and that I would be there until I cooperated or turned 18. A lot of stuff went on there but it's hard for me to write about. I never felt safe there and was on constant alert. I lost all control of my surroundings. I felt like I had been abandoned in hell by my family.
After two months my mother stopped trusting the people at the school and came to get me. Our relationship got much worse after I was back. I was extremely critical of and verbally abusive to my friends and family. I took everything personally. I argued when it was unwelcome. When people complimented or thanked me I assumed they had some ulterior motive.
I had nightmares for a long time that I had been sent back to the program. I would wake up in a panic thinking I was still there. For a period I slept with a dagger under my pillow in case the transporters came for me in the middle of the night (as is their custom). I once promised my mother that if that ever happened again I WOULD take someone else out with me.
When I moved out I completely isolated myself inside my room. At college I managed to almost entirely avoid my room mates. If I thought they were outside I would stay in my room until they left. I stocked up on food and just stayed inside for days and weeks at a time. I developed phobias of any interaction and I started blaming everyone else for my unhappiness. I thought deep down everyone was like the people in the program and stopped seeing any evidence otherwise. After months of almost no social interaction I stopped feeling like a person. I thought I could never be happy. I assumed I could never be successful at anything I had dreamed about when I was younger and that nobody would ever give someone like me a chance. I never received any reply to job applications and that cemented pretty well in my mind. My only goal was to escape my persecutors and eventually that was everyone.
When I saw a counselor last year I wasn't ready to admit any of this to him because I didn't trust him (therapist in the program reported me for something I had said) and because I had completely rationalized my avoidance. I told myself I wanted to be alone, that people could only hurt me and weren't worth the trouble.
I feel really, really guilty about how I have been treating people since I came back. I want to rejoin the world. I would like to think I am not just a horrible person who does this on purpose. Is there anything I can tell people I hurt so they can understand and not just think I am making excuses? I haven't received much sympathy when I have tried talking to people about what happened there.
