General Being A Supporter And Good Combat Ptsd Therapy

[May1321]

I'm asking fellow supporters, or even sufferers who have been through the VA programs for combat healing. I do not want to be poison to him... But I also don't want to take away his "safe" place.

I've been going back and forth on this. Mostly how should I act/can I help as my (boy) friend goes through therapy.

First off... Some background on my sufferer is he was diagnosed with PTSD when he returned home from Iraq approximately 6 years ago. He was in the first wave in a troop they referred to as "Killer Troop". They lost approx 15 guys. Were out for 6 months straight... long periods not showering, and scarce on food. The rest of the time he was there they would be out for 2 weeks, back in for 1 week, so on. He came home after essentially being "blown up" in his humvee. Where in which he was wrongfully diagnosed with turberculosis and lived in a "bubble" for 3 months. His wife essentially left him and took his money wrongfully thinking he was dead. Since he has been running his family business, and they have been VERY involved in his life.

It was when our relationship had it's first conflict that he "snapped" and realized he couldn't keep up his old ways and something had to be wrong... he called his mom and she encouraged him to go to the VA for PTSD therapy. Mean time, I am under the understanding (because he told me) that he wasn't supposed to be around me because that is what his moms' (step-mom, too) said and what his therapists would say. But he still always wanted to be around me.

Now he finally sat down and opened up to me and told me what his "therapists" want him to do and it is basically isolate himself completely in his home when he is done working... not allowed to use technology unless it is an emergency... he is supposed to read and 'be alone'.

Sometimes he still wants me around him. I obviously have a hard time saying "NO" because he opens up to me and I love him. He tells me about his therapy some and his days and family and we talk a little bit about Iraq, lets me ask questions, etc.

I'm getting mixed signals, however.
- I have a very good friend who is a Clinical Trauma Therapist and she doesn't understand why the VA wants him to isolate himself... I am not totally clear on this either when I have been his safe place.
- His mom (one who keeps telling him he can't have a girlfriend, needs to be alone) has been given permission to talk to his therapists. (I have yet to meet his mother)
- The other night when he called me over and we were talking, she was having issues and texting him and even wanted to come over and stay at his place.
(She also was one who freaked out when he didn't take her call after the time that he was supposed to shut his phone off....???)
- Is this supposed to be part of his Combat Therapy - does this sound normal? My thought was to recreate the lonely environment he was in in Iraq.
- I want to encourage and support him in healng but I don't want to see him go down the wrong path with the wrong treatment.
- What should I do?
- - First reaction is to stay away if this is truly his therapy method. They told him this was the hardest part... reliving the past in Iraq.
- - How do I do that but still show him I'm there if he does need me?
- And where do I draw the line??

Some of it sounds fishy and so I don't know if this is just a symptom coming from him... Truth from his therapists... Him keeping me at bay as he is trying to protect me... or, his mom's involvement...

I too am seeking therapy since this came about to be a stronger person for this situation as for myself. It is just a very fine line, isn't it?

Attempting to just pour out all love... Thank You for any response.

 

[Toria]

Hello May - I'm not sure I can of any great help - but the first thing that occured to me when I read the isolation part of his therapy is that removing "stimulants" eg computer, television, video games etc might be to try and calm him as opposed to isolate him as such. I know a lot of sufferers use television and games to occupy their mind and therefore to stop themselves thinking about their issues - perhaps his T wants him to focus more on what is going on inside his head and not try and hide from it.

As for his mother... she could just be trying to protect him. If his wife ran off with his money (my husband has two ex-wives - one who ran off with his money and a used car salesman when he was in Iraq the first time and another who ran off with his money and the family welfare officer) then his family may well just be looking out for his best interests.

Well done for finding your own T. I hope that goes well for you

 

[MurphyJB]

Hi May.
If he has any other options besides the VA, please tell him to take it and run.
The VA is overcrowded and understaffed. They'll most likely start experimenting with different drugs. (mood stabilizers, sleep aids, anti-depressants). They use them as lab rats.
Sorry...I'm not trying to he negative, but that is what you should brace yourself for.

 

[May1321]

Thank you both Toria and MurphyJB for responding.

I think, Toria, you are correct about his Ma. I spoke with my T this morning and my close friend (also a T) and the only confusing flag was isolating him from his good supporters - such as him being able to share the most with me. I also agree about the stimulants. I think that is very important he take some time to truly know what is going on in his head vs. distractions. I understand how I can be a distraction, as he said "even if (I'm) it's good stress".

Unfortunately, Murphy, in order for soldiers to receive the PTSD disability and support (our medical insurance society reeling as it is) he has to stay with the VA. I worry about the medications, as well, however.

I believe he is a very strong individual and I think after speaking with my therapist, that right now there are too many questions. The main thing is he is seeking help. One flag is he seems to be doing it because he's being "made to" by his mother, which then is also being the Mother Bear and possibly over protecting. He needs to truly want to do this on his own... I think he's half way there and I pray he finds 100% soon enough.

Maybe a good thing to practice for us all in this is we want to 'help' but sometimes it's hard to totally understand someone not being able to truly help themselves. And unfortunately for his protective family knowing if I'm good or bad, they don't. His mom has never met me, so again, how can I fight that?

I've decided to just let it go... let him have his space to the point of even working hard for myself to create space for him. I don't want to be his crutch, but I do want to be there for him. It's hard to step back but I feel I'm putting so much energy into him right now that I'm kind of leaving myself behind. If he is as strong as I believe he is, he will decide what and who he needs in his life for support and work with his therapists on that. In the mean time, I have my own boundaries within my emotional self I have realized need to be built up starting with how I feel about him and how easy I give into his "fixes". I'm not going to be any sort of support if I don't respect and support myself first.

Thank you all for your input. It is valuable that I learn as much as possible for the possibilities down the road, for him or anyone.

((((HUGS)))) for us ALL :)

 

[May1321]

The VA is overcrowded and understaffed. They'll most likely start experimenting with different drugs. (mood stabilizers, sleep aids, anti-depressants).

Murphy - you mentioned this.

I'm very concerned for my "sufferer" ... we actually talked last night and I was able to talk to him openly like we normally do. I was able to discuss my tolerance level for what I'll put up with as he's going through this (won't take dishonesty, and will always say something positive to his negative self talk). But mostly I just listened to his frustrations he's running into with his therapy.

He said they've perscribed him (3) different meds. He's refused to take them. He's afraid to. He has never self medicated in these ways... medicines or drinking or drugs. He doesn't like having a fuzzy head. He wanted my opinion and I don't agree either unless desperate measures called for it but he runs a large real estate business, so I understand the fuzzy head. He's never been one to get super depressed or angry.... though I know with therapy as he progresses through this this can increase. He's used sleeping pills on occasion and his dreams are getting worse since he started therapy. I think this is a good sign vs. a bad sign because I know he's suppressed a lot. But for the rest, they perscribed these to him right after his 2nd visit???

He's starting to question the people they've told him to have in his life and who not to have. I've known this but they actually asked him "Who is the most important person in your life right now (name?)" and he said that I was. They asked how long we've known eachother and been serious. He told them. They told him he had to cut me off and stop seeing me.

Granted, I know some of these may be elaborations of what he's been told but I've heard it a few times now and he always says the same thing. Trying to listen to my gutt more and nothing seems to off here... just confusing.

I know these are all his struggles that he has to sort through on his own. What I'm afraid of is he was forced to do this by his parents. They tried a long time ago but then he met me and realized it was time - he needed to go. But also again, was told that the only way he could have a normal relationship (by his parents) was if he went to therapy. Obviously, I support this :)

This has driven me to working on myself and why I'm here, started my own therapy, and started my own healing of the bits that seemed out of place and were friction with his stresses as this begain. This time apart hasn't been the easiest but has made it much easier to be around him. I think as long as we are able to keep open communication as we have done, it's going to be easier to progress through all of this.

I don't want to mess up his therapy. But I am concerned. He's struggling with some of the group discussions because he can't relate to others traumas... Almost as if he needs some super duper one on one counseling before he can even feel on an even plane? I've been trying to do some side research if there are other ways he can get the support but not do the VA? I know my therapist specializes in trauma but that would probably not be good to have us seeing the same person. Plus, she's outside of the VA.... I don't think supported by the government. If anyone has other suggestions, much appreciated.

I ask questions because I want the very best for him. I don't want him to give up... if nothing else for himself. It may be against "the rules" but I truly believe I'm a comfort to him. We've drawn the line on a lot of things but I don't feel I can not take his calls if he's in the mood to talk. There are lot of things I need to put into practice... basically not making him the center of my entire world but instead myself. Not to have expectations. But to be there. And give it time. He really needs this. My entire heart goes out for him and everyone that did not have a choice for whatever that choice could've or would've been.

~May

 

[anthony]

Unfortunately physicians have become tuned to prescribing medication as a first measure, when it should be a last measure. They have obtained this thinking that with medication, it will fix everything, when all the evidence shows with the majority of cases, it creates more problems than it does good.

 

[May1321]

I'm praying for the best for him and have faith in his decisions. Keeping my fingers crossed for extra measure. Thanks, Anthony.

 

[Ted Moen]

Hi May,

My supporter has provided me the motivation and support that made me stick with the VA until I encountered a therapist (clinical psychologist) I bonded with and participated in the best programs the VA offered. I started therapy with the VA in 1984, went through a half dozen therapists until I met my current therapist in 1995, did the inpatient program at Menlo Park in 2001, became 100% the same year and reached a point where I could begin reducing individual and group therapy around around 2005 and reached a point where this forum seems to fulfill my therapeutic needs these days.

The VA is a very good system for people with ptsd. We can get all the therapy we need and our medication for free
and receive sufficient compensation to live our lives (VA disability plus SSD) reasonably if we participate in the VA's processes. It's sad that abused kids and battered spouses don't have a parallel system like ours.

What your sufferer receives from the VA will depend on what he tells them and accepts. I refused medication and asked for therapy. I walked away from therapists that I felt no connection with. Only when I reached the inpatient program did I agree to accept medication, and then only medication I had researched and the psych and I agreed would be beneficial. Of course refusing medication means enduring intense feelings while participating in group and individual therapy and life in general.

The suggestion to isolate is very unusual, but if he implied he feels he is in danger of losing control and harming those around him and he did not present as depressed the recommendation may well have been to back off temporarily. You gave no indication you feel unsafe with him. As long as you feel safe there is nothing I can think of that is more therapeutic than the gentle, consistent support of a caring supporter.

Ted

 

[May1321]

Thank you so much, Ted. This puts my mind at ease. Especially to know that if this is important, it can be successful. I know that we only take as much as we give and it really is only up to him. Your insight is very helpful in my understanding. I'm also happy to hear that you have come to such a great place in your journey. Much Blessing!!

 

[May1321]

My sufferer I believe is going through the process of trying to figure out what he truly wants ... it's been about 6 weeks now and he calls me to process things. Last night I received a text letting me know he wasn't doing what he originally had plans to do and that he was driving around to clear his head. He didn't want to see me at that time. He needed to figure some stuff out on his own.
This actually has been going on for a few days. He was really worked up Thursday after I read Ted's post, and I got a call from my 'sufferer' that he was on his way to the VA. His anxiety level was raising because this was something he found out he had to do the day before.

He came into my office later to do some measurements of this piece of work they plan on repairing but that took a minute and he came over into my office up close to my desk and told me they wanted him to take Amitriptyline (sp?). I asked him if he asked what that was for or if he did the research. He told me he didn't want to think about anything more than he has to and they told him it would help him stay calm (he has been suffering from very bad anxiety for some time, I know). I asked him if I could look it up and he said "yes" and the results I found freaked me out.

I know this man... he is so against drugs in general and not even a big drinker and I've never heard him be suicidal. I asked advice of our insurance underwriter/mom figure of what I should do and decided to forward the information to him and just ask him to "Please read before you make any decisions." I also mentioned that he can request strict therapy and avoid the medications, and even get a new therapist if he feels he is not comfortable.

I realized I was reacting out of fear of him making this decision and it changing him "completely" and he was getting aggrivated through out the day so I let him be. We didn't talk again till Saturday night. I had gone out of town with my girl friends and text him earlier that morning that I hoped he had a good day hunting since I knew that was what he was going to do. When I asked later... he said it was a bad day and he didn't want to talk about it so we talked about misc silly stuff via text and then I said 'good-night'.

Yesterday I returned home and saw him briefly. He gave me a hug and asked for a kiss. He told me he was on his way to his Mother's for dinner at 4:30 p.m. and I snuck in the question about his decision with the medicine. I also asked him how his mother felt, since I know they are very involved in all that is happening. She's against it, so I asked him again to closely consider his options before taking something. He hadn't read the email I sent him yet and told me on Tuesday is when they are going to decide what he needs to take, and then promised (on his own free will) that he would let me know 'what' and gave me permission to research it first, especially if there were alternatives.

Last night I got (3) series of texts after 4:30.
- The first was to tell me he didn't go to his mom's - that his back hurt and he was going to take a nap. There was no need for him to tell me anything but I take these texts as a sign of attempts to communicate and stick to the promise of being 'open and honest' with me.
- The second, he couldn't sleep and was driving around to clear his head. He invited me to watch a movie then immediately backed out saying he needed "him" time. I said o.k. and drive safe.
- A few hours later, the third, I got the text that he was "freaking out". I asked him what he needed. He didn't know. He was afraid he was bothering me. I told him 'no'. I asked him if he needed me to come over because we both know I seem to be able to take him out of his head and just make him feel safe so he can sleep. He said "yes"... then called me and said "No"... he had found sleeping pills his mom had given him and didn't want to waste his time getting to see me when these (Ambien) should knock him out. So we talked...

Concerns:
- He vented his frustration and confusion on what he should do since signing this waiver that his parents can talk to his therapists. He asked me if this seems "right". I asked him if he felt it was helping, or right. He said "No." I asked him if he really wanted my opinion, and he said "Yes." Knowing the family situation (while even on the phone with me he was caught in the middle of a texting war between his father/step mom and brother), I told him "No, and that I think he should revoke the waiver." He says he thinks they will still talk to his therapists since they all know each other (small town). I told him this is illegal and he is old enough to make his own decisions...
- They told him he has the mentality of an 8 year old. I mentioned a few things that he is really good at and I know capable of such as running his business, managing a home, taking care of his cat.
- I mentioned I wanted to go fishing this summer. He finally told me why "Hunting" was bad... his dad told him that he had talked to his therapist (my sufferer's therapist) and that his T told his dad that he should not go hunting or fishing this year as it could trigger bad memories.
* this along with the not seeing me is very peculiar and frustrates me for him.
- He asked me what I thought "outpatient service" meant. I asked him 'why'. He said they mentioned that. He asked me how I'd feel if it meant he had to get a lobotomy and he asked it as ' I have a serious question and I need you to be 100% honest with me. ' I told him I'd be furious. He asked if I could "love" him.
- I asked him about switching therapists and he got angry and said it was 'out of the question' and he didn't want me to ask any more.
- We talked more about medications. He asked me what Prozac did. I told him what I understand it to do but would do more research. I mentioned I thought it may be for anxiety and I asked him if he has talked much in his appointments. He said "no" but that he was going to start this week. I encouraged him to.

I also asked him if he felt safe, that he had anyone he could truly trust in this. He said just me and his cat. I asked him if he talks to his family and he said "no". I asked him why he was doing this. He said because he's being 'made to'. So then I told him that then if he doesn't want to do it, then he shouldn't. He is only going to accomplish as much as he puts in. He said he was going to start talking this week and said he wants to have healthy relationships. I encouraged him to again. That it was important.

Later on he text and thanked me for talking to him and apologized for being "mental" right now and that someday he will not be.

I read in the PTSD Relationship book about the medications and feel a bit better about it but still am concerned because he is all alone.

I don't understand the rest of it. Part of me feels this is his paranoid side coming out and possibly some things to get a rise out of me to keep him feeling like I am on his side. I choose to just listen and stand up for him but ask lots of questions when it is allowed with him. I also have chosen to support what I understand of "therapy". He asked me some questions about how mine works so I know talking is a huge part of it. I just encouraged him to dive in to that and know he can always talk to me if he needs to.

I don't know if there is any pattern to this. I am most concerned about his family. But just one day at a time, right?