Relationship Partner of 8 years suddenly "needs space" and accusing me of things.

[Tinyflame]

PS @LittlestBird , just to add (I am sorry I missed the edit but am at work) I have found the one thing which has helped me greatly is recognizing whether by nature or life experiences, I am very gentle or wounded frankly and I need to choose people who don't take advantage of that and who don't get glee from crushing it, just because they can. I don't mean being sensitive to criticism (there's cbt for that), nor do I mean I don't like ribbing. I mean people who pull a wing off a butterfly just because they can. Whether they are partners, friends, family or acquaintances. There is a saying, before you get too down on yourself make sure you are not surrounded by as*holes.

I think my mom said it best: ''Anyone can see how you are; pick people who value it'. At the very least, if not cherish it, respect it.

 

[LittlestBird]

I'm sorry @LittlestBird I saw this just when I logged out.

My 2 cents- don't listen to any person who 'happily informs you' of what anyone knows is going to cause you great pain. Even the wording- would anyone who cared for you share it that way? So you cannot trust her, perhaps her intentions aren't good, nor can you trust what she said. It way be true, or not, or incomplete, or a number of things. That doesn't mean I'm defending him. From what I recall, you have cancer, you had to find a new way and place to live, you are concerned about the cats, there was a birthday or anniversary? Let alone to hear about the cause of your own ptsd. JMHO but a week is nothing, and isolating can go a long time. You have many needs he is giving no support to or for.

What is especially not good however, is if he recognizes you are in pain and doesn't address it. That is not loving and not grounds for a good relationship. If you have ptsd also, you get what is not an excuse.

He might be more of a frog than a Prince at this time in his life. Or just a jerk/ as*hole- I went through enough I came to believe men couldn't be otherwise. And unfortunately, many women who were just the same. One of the most abusive men I gave the most excuses for. You deserve better, and much more.

JMHThoughts but take care of whatever you need for yourself and leave him to himself. Including who he associates with or not. He's not acting like a person anyone could have a caring relationship with (do you want that?), and running wide open.

I am very sorry for your grief and pain. Hugs to you.

Thank you so much for your replies and insight. It really helps me to hear from other people who aren't biased. My best friends all told me that the woman who said those things sounded full of it and not to trust her or anyone who would speak that way, but I have a tendency to think that they are just sparing my feelings and trying to be gentle with me. I also have a tendency to blame myself for everything and to think that I deserve to be talked down to and pushed around, so I will take the one negative voice in a crowd and that is what sticks to my heart and in my head.

I keep wanting to reach out to my partner's family and friends who used to speak to me and claim to love me (but who haven't checked in with me AT ALL since the start of this), and to ask if he is okay and how he seems and to see if he is even really talking to anyone else, but I know that I cannot trust anything that they say anyhow, and I also don't want my partner to feel like I am telling everyone about what he is going through and talking about him behind his back and ignoring his requests and his boundaries. I think if I were isolating, it would really stress me out to have other people trying to contact me and telling me that my girlfriend said I was having problems, if I was trying to hide those problems and process them on my own. I'm trying very hard to be respectful and caring, even though I don't feel that I have gotten any respect or care from him or his family and friends in the past six months.

I'm trying to do as you said and surround myself with the people who support, love, and know me, and who I can trust and depend on. It's just all of the unknowns and accusations from my partner that really kill me and have me so depressed. If he had told me that he's having flashbacks and can't sleep again and that he's very depressed and his PTSD is bad again, that would have been easy(ier) for me to understand and deal with and respect, but he really started making up stories about me and trying to blame all of his pain on me, and because of who I am, it has made me feel very bad and responsible, even though I KNOW what he's said about me and our relationship isn't true and that I never did the things he was accusing me of. It's hard for me to know where to go from there. I just feel very beat down and I wonder if he has convinced other people that I'm a monster and our relationship was awful, and I know I shouldn't care about what such people think of me and my life, but it is very hurtful. The not knowing anything for sure makes it even worse.

I am moving to live with my sister in a week and should finally have some of my health problems addressed. I've been so depressed that I've been skipping my doctor's appointments here where I currently live, but my sister has lined up several good surgeons and doctors for me to see already and promised that she would take me to the appointments and that I would not be alone.

I'm angry because I feel like I should have had my partner with me through all of this - the medical issues, the packing and sorting out moving, the house repairs, the financial stress, all of the stressful things that have come up that I have had to deal with by myself, without the support that he had originally promised me, and he can't even be bothered to keep up with the bare minimum that he promised me at the end (sending me photos of our cats and letting me know when his therapy and doctor's appointments are and if he feels any different or answers any of his questions or gains any new insights). There have been so many times where I've had to talk myself down off of a ledge in the past couple months and I feel angry sometimes because I guess he wants to go through his stuff alone, but I didn't and don't want to be alone, and it's made my PTSD, my health issues, and my life a million times worse and harder. I feel like he made all of the decisions and all of his decisions tore our family apart, tore our home life apart, and tore me apart as a person.

And I'm still trying not to lash out and trying not to be angry at him and to make sure that I don't hurt him worse while people are actively trying to hurt me.

I know that life isn't fair, but I get tired of it being so unfair and tired of having to go through more trauma.

Is it normal for someone with PTSD to want to isolate and to start making up stories about their partner and accusing them of things that never happened? That's the weird part for me still. Was the making stuff up about me just done to justify pushing me away and isolating in the first place? Does he honestly believe the bad things he's made up about me? Will reality ever come back? These are the questions that drive me crazy lately.

PS @LittlestBird , just to add (I am sorry I missed the edit but am at work) I have found the one thing which has helped me greatly is recognizing whether by nature or life experiences, I am very gentle or wounded frankly and I need to choose people who don't take advantage of that and who don't get glee from crushing it, just because they can. I don't mean being sensitive to criticism (there's cbt for that), nor do I mean I don't like ribbing. I mean people who pull a wing off a butterfly just because they can. Whether they are partners, friends, family or acquaintances. There is a saying, before you get too down on yourself make sure you are not surrounded by as*holes.

I think my mom said it best: ''Anyone can see how you are; pick people who value it'. At the very least, if not cherish it, respect it.

This is something that has hit me hard lately. I did think that my partner's family and friends were my family and friends after 8 years of being around them, only to realize that they aren't that great and they were so quick to throw me under the bus and talk down to me and poorly about me. The men, even married ones, who started aggressively hitting on me as well. It was very disheartening to go through. I've been thinking a lot about how, if my partner and I even got back together, what that would be like for me now, because I do not want to be around his family and 'friends' anymore.

I used to think that I found a kindred spirit in my partner and that he was someone like me, someone who went through a lot of trauma and was still good, kind, compassionate, gentle, and great at being clear and communicating. I thought he was someone who was well adjusted in spite of what he went through. To have him change so abruptly is hard to cope with and to have him just disappear on me and turn on me so harshly feels like he is someone that I never really knew. I know we aren't ourselves in the middle of the trauma or stress or flashbacks, but to be someone I don't even recognize...

 

[LittlestBird]

Well. I was on day 20 of my partner not speaking to me or sending me any pictures of our cats and day 10 of me not saying anything either because it seems like the more I say, the less he says, so I was just giving him the space that he asked for. I've also gotten very tired of his "friends" and everything in general after that woman told me that she had a long talk with him and that I'm "irrelevant bullshit." Then, last night, my partner sent me a picture of each of our cats next to a sign that he made that simply says "Happy Mother's Day."

That, I thought, was a sweet gesture. He didn't say anything else. No text. Just the two photos of our cats next to the sign he made.
I don't know how to respond to it? Do I just 'like' the photos? Should I say something short yet encouraging? Maybe a "Thank you for the sweet photos. It means a lot to me." And end it there? I feel like I'm trapped because I don't want to be too emotional because he clearly can't handle my strong emotions right now, but I also don't want to ignore the gesture because I want to see my cats and, whenever he contacts me at all, I ache for wanting my partner back too. I'm so afraid of messing things up more from my end and it's sad because I didn't really ever do anything "wrong" in the first place; I'm just trapped in this weird space that he and his mental illness have created. I'm afraid of saying too much and of saying too little and of saying the wrong things...

How do you handle things like this? Just keep being kind and short and to the point when the person does contact you? And keep giving him space otherwise? I find that I struggle with being "lighthearted," like many people suggested that I send him funny pictures and videos like usual and I couldn't do that when he's.. hurting me so badly, but I've been posting funny things and updates and even a few pictures of myself in a group chat that he is also in and I can manage that. When I talk to him directly, it's hard for me to not want answers and an apology and resolution to things and for him to have some clarity that isn't there yet, so I find that I can be lighthearted in the group chat and not so much with him directly (because I guess I'm just not there yet).

 

[Livinginhope]

Well. I was on day 20 of my partner not speaking to me or sending me any pictures of our cats and day 10 of me not saying anything either because it seems like the more I say, the less he says, so I was just giving him the space that he asked for. I've also gotten very tired of his "friends" and everything in general after that woman told me that she had a long talk with him and that I'm "irrelevant bullshit." Then, last night, my partner sent me a picture of each of our cats next to a sign that he made that simply says "Happy Mother's Day."

That, I thought, was a sweet gesture. He didn't say anything else. No text. Just the two photos of our cats next to the sign he made.
I don't know how to respond to it? Do I just 'like' the photos? Should I say something short yet encouraging? Maybe a "Thank you for the sweet photos. It means a lot to me." And end it there? I feel like I'm trapped because I don't want to be too emotional because he clearly can't handle my strong emotions right now, but I also don't want to ignore the gesture because I want to see my cats and, whenever he contacts me at all, I ache for wanting my partner back too. I'm so afraid of messing things up more from my end and it's sad because I didn't really ever do anything "wrong" in the first place; I'm just trapped in this weird space that he and his mental illness have created. I'm afraid of saying too much and of saying too little and of saying the wrong things...

How do you handle things like this? Just keep being kind and short and to the point when the person does contact you? And keep giving him space otherwise? I find that I struggle with being "lighthearted," like many people suggested that I send him funny pictures and videos like usual and I couldn't do that when he's.. hurting me so badly, but I've been posting funny things and updates and even a few pictures of myself in a group chat that he is also in and I can manage that. When I talk to him directly, it's hard for me to not want answers and an apology and resolution to things and for him to have some clarity that isn't there yet, so I find that I can be lighthearted in the group chat and not so much with him directly (because I guess I'm just not there yet).

Hi. I don't really know the best way of handling it, I'm afraid. I've tried to figure it out for myself for three and a half years and it doesn't get any clearer or easier. All I know for sure is, in my case at least, pushing for anything always pushes him (temporarily) further away. Even for something as simple as very basic contact if he's particularly stressed. So at these times if I message I keep it short, kind and ask nothing. It can last weeks and, once, months. I never know if he'll be back. Or if, in his head, he's ever actually gone. He doesn't see it as I do. He takes the time he needs, when he needs it. I don't think I figure in that equation. I don't think anyone does. It sucks. I hate it. And often it becomes a battle in my own head whether to hang in there, or walk away. I'm never sure if I make the right decision.

I'm sorry you're going through it too. I've read a little of your story and my heart goes out to you. I have no advice. All you can do is what feels right for you, even if that keeps changing. It's your life too. I know how much it can hurt. Wishing you peace and calm down the line x

 

[LittlestBird]

Hi. I don't really know the best way of handling it, I'm afraid. I've tried to figure it out for myself for three and a half years and it doesn't get any clearer or easier. All I know for sure is, in my case at least, pushing for anything always pushes him (temporarily) further away. Even for something as simple as very basic contact if he's particularly stressed. So at these times if I message I keep it short, kind and ask nothing. It can last weeks and, once, months. I never know if he'll be back. Or if, in his head, he's ever actually gone. He doesn't see it as I do. He takes the time he needs, when he needs it. I don't think I figure in that equation. I don't think anyone does. It sucks. I hate it. And often it becomes a battle in my own head whether to hang in there, or walk away. I'm never sure if I make the right decision.

I'm sorry you're going through it too. I've read a little of your story and my heart goes out to you. I have no advice. All you can do is what feels right for you, even if that keeps changing. It's your life too. I know how much it can hurt. Wishing you peace and calm down the line x

I am going into month 8 of him being mean to me mixed with ignoring me and the occasional little breadcrumb of hope. After he sent me the two pictures of our cats sitting next to a sign he had printed saying "Happy Mother's Day," I texted him and said, "Thank you. That's very sweet and it means a lot to me." Then, 3 days later, on my birthday, he sent me nearly identical pictures, but with the cats sitting next to a sign that said, "Happy Birthday". With the birthday pictures, I hit like on them, but didn't say anything. I'm not sure what excuse he has to text me now that the two holidays / events are out of the way. I find myself unable to text him because I can't put myself out there to get ignored even more, to get hurt even more, or to be accused of violating his need for space and his boundaries. I feel that there's nowhere for me to go from the corner he has backed me into and I don't think that I can personally take much more right now without doing something very bad to myself.

On one hand, it's some sort of effort? On the other hand, it's almost a clear "this is from the CATS, not ME" weirdness? My sister thinks he is just doing the absolute bare minimum to keep me invested in case he decides he wants to come back in the future.

I'm settling in to my sister's house while mine goes to market and I should have new health coverage on the first of June and finally be able to get my treatments and surgeries lined up. I am going through so much and I am so emotional. I tried to unpack a bit at my sister's house (where I, at least, have a lovely room and ensuite) and wound up packing everything back up and putting it in storage instead because I have a very hard time looking at things that remind me of partner and our life together. Everything reminds me of my partner and everything has a sweet backstory and I can't reconcile the man he was and the memories we made with who he is now. How does someone go from telling you that you're everything to them and they love you and you're their whole future for 8 years to whatever this is. I'm destroyed. I feel like my abilities to trust and just feel happy in general are gone. My desire to do much of anything is gone. I'm extremely depressed. I'm trying not to be, but I am. I want things to make sense and they just don't.

I worked up the courage to go back and read through some of our last texts during the breaking up phase, when it all first started in earnest, and they hurt just as bad. It's all me pleading and trying to get through to him and trying to get him to acknowledge reality, and him being cold and cruel towards me. He told me, "It's my f*ckin brain. That's not me making shit up. It's what I think happened at the time. And I'm realizing my brain is jacked and shit isn't what I remembered it to be. That's not me making shit up. On purpose. I'm still me. Just not towards you. And if that gives the view that I'm crazy, then ok. I'll deal with it myself. And maybe one day I'll see shit. Who knows. I'm better alone, can't get hurt and can't hurt anyone." And then later, "I'm sorry. I don't know who I am and I'm sorry I lost it for you. I'm trying to figure shit out. That is true. Our relationship was true and my feelings for you were true, I've never lied about that. I'm not going to erase you from my life. You've made more positive impact on my life than anyone has ever. So no, I'm not erasing." But he has. He has basically ghosted me and erased everything and torn me to shreds and kicked me out of our home and everything is a mess...

I think that it's ignorant and selfish for him to say he's better alone because he can't get hurt and can't hurt anyone when I literally never did anything to hurt him and him 'being alone' has wounded me terribly. He has altered me and damaged me, but I don't matter. I want to see the positive and be hopeful, but I'm almost at 8 months of him treating me badly and not making any sense and barely being there at all. I've had friends start giving me books about recovering from abusive relationships with narcissists and it's been making me question a lot because I can see that there are tactics that my partner was using to manipulate and control me and make me question myself, that I never really let myself think a lot about before, and I'm not sure I'm ready to face a lot of things yet.

I wish I had taken my one cat in February when I was there and had the chance, but I believed him when he started telling me that we would get back together and that I should just wait until I was moved and he would bring her to me, and that I could call and see our cats any time. Now I have to deal with getting her back and I don't feel like I can even communicate with him. Selling my house, moving into a new place, trying to settle in, and trying to get my healthcare lined up have just absolutely drained me, and whenever I have a free minute to think, I'm just so sad and confused and get so overwhelmed.

 

[LuckiLee]

8 months? Oy! I hate to say this but you have to put your energy into yourself and move on.

I haven't followed this whole thread but I did just read your first and last post and there are so many red flags.

*Long distance
*Secret phone calls with women
*Telling you what to do (sell your house, move to him, where to put your belongings...)
*Has dad throw you out with no explanation.
*Cruel to you
*Makes you feel horrible
*No remorse

Any ONE of those ^^^ things is reason enough to end things. imo

He doesn't deserve your loyalty.

Do you have a therapist? You need someone irl to help you through this.



P.S. go get a kitten.

 

[Livinginhope]

8 months? Oy! I hate to say this but you have to put your energy into yourself and move on.

I haven't followed this whole thread but I did just read your first and last post and there are so many red flags.

*Long distance
*Secret phone calls with women
*Telling you what to do (sell your house, move to him, where to put your belongings...)
*Has dad throw you out with no explanation.
*Cruel to you
*Makes you feel horrible
*No remorse

Any ONE of those ^^^ things is reason enough to end things. imo

He doesn't deserve your loyalty.

Do you have a therapist? You need someone irl to help you through this.



P.S. go get a kitten.

I think it’s been an 8 year relationship, not 8 months x

 

[LuckiLee]

8 months of cruelty after an 8 year relationship.

And what does that matter? If anything it makes it worse.

 

[LittlestBird]

8 months? Oy! I hate to say this but you have to put your energy into yourself and move on.

I haven't followed this whole thread but I did just read your first and last post and there are so many red flags.

*Long distance
*Secret phone calls with women
*Telling you what to do (sell your house, move to him, where to put your belongings...)
*Has dad throw you out with no explanation.
*Cruel to you
*Makes you feel horrible
*No remorse

Any ONE of those ^^^ things is reason enough to end things. imo

He doesn't deserve your loyalty.

Do you have a therapist? You need someone irl to help you through this.



P.S. go get a kitten.

I am starting to come out of the fog of the relationship, 8 months later. As I've been reading more about abusive relationships and narcissistic abuse in relationships, I see that there are a lot of things my partner has done to me over the years that do qualify as abuse:

-Telling me, "I'm fine because I'm only treating you badly and only feel differently about you; I'm fine with everyone else" and that he "reached his limit with me," and trying to make me believe that I did bad things that I know I didn't and that I'm a liar is a continuation of what he has always done to me in the relationship, especially in regard to his daughter. He told me early on that, "I'd be sad to lose my daughter, but I wouldn't be sad if I lost you," and was always telling me that it was fine for his daughter to call me names and threaten me and go through my things and put PineSol in my drink and harass me online because *I* had to "earn respect" from him and her and if I was bothered by how she was treating me, I was the one who needed to grow up or get over it. I always had to earn respect somehow and being kind and forgiving wasn't enough; she never had to be respectful and he never had to teach her respect. The fact that he thinks everything is fine because he is "only" hurting me really says everything. I am starting to realize that I never really mattered or counted, even when he was pleased with me, and there was a lot of me twisting myself into knots trying to make him happy and to get him to love me and make sure I didn't upset anyone and risk losing that love. He made me believe that how he treated me was based on my behavior, but it wasn't really; it was just based on his whims.

-He would tell me that he wanted to do things and then get angry with me when we did what he said he wanted (like stopping at a beach on the way home one time, where he kept insisting that we stop and then, as soon as we were out of the truck, he started giving me the silent treatment while I tried to be cheerful and figure out what was wrong, and then he complained the whole rest of the ride home that we shouldn't have stopped and didn't have time to be there and made it seem like I had wanted to stop when it hadn't been my idea at all and I even asked him not to stop because I was tired). He would often ask me what I wanted to do only to belittle my suggestion and get angry about it and act like I was asking for too much (dinner plans, weekend plans, what movie we wanted to watch, and on and on). He even asked me two years ago what I wanted for Christmas and insisted that I make a list for him and, when I did, he then spent weeks telling me that everything on the list was too expensive when most of it was $10-30 things on etsy, and he told me that he was really disappointed in me for giving him a list like that. Then, this past Christmas, he told me that he wished I were as smart as his daughter and that he wished I made things easy on him like she does and that she gave him a 3 page long Christmas list with links and why couldn't I be more like her? Everything on her list was expensive, ranging from a new laptop to designer purses and perfumes and 'sexy' outfits and 'cash for tattoos, piercings, nails and eyelashes.' He thought that was smart and wonderful and he was so grateful, but when I had asked for little decorative things on etsy for our home, after he insisted that he wanted a list, he acted like I was a monster and being selfish and asking for too much.

-Getting angry at me, but never clarifying why or what I did (because, I am just now realizing, I didn't actually do anything wrong), simply telling me that he's not as good at communicating as I am, but that I knew what I did (I don't know). His ex-wife and kids could insult him or upset him and he would pick a fight with me and scream at me until I dissociated and fell apart, and then he'd get angry at me for being unstable, instead of ever addressing the person who actually upset him.

-He would tell me when he found other women attractive and what traits he found attractive in them, after I'd already caught him cheating on me, and then would badger me about why I was so insecure and why he couldn't even comment on something like another woman's beautiful hair without me wondering if I should dye mine to match. I had to beg him probably a hundred times to stop telling me when he found other women attractive and to not blatantly look at other women in front of me. He acted like I was jealous and unreasonable when he was actively hurting me and whittling away at me. If I had ever hinted that I found another man attractive in any way, he would have lost it, because I accidentally made comments that were construed that way a couple of times and he did get upset. One time he took me to the beach and spent the whole time staring at teenage girls playing in the water, dead silent, while I stood there feeling so ugly, awkward and boring.

-When I expressed that I was uncomfortable roleplaying as his underage daughter in bed after he got custody of her and we were living with her, he accused me of being sick for wondering if he was thinking about his actual daughter and not a fantasy girl, and he insisted that we stop doing what I liked in bed too as punishment. I tried to explain to him that the incest roleplay was triggering me as someone who was raped by their own half brother and half sister growing up, and that I was uncomfortable doing that when his actual daughter was home in particular, and he is still mad about it. When I asked him for examples of how he reached his limit with me and how I made him feel inappropriate with his daughter, this is the only example he keeps bringing up, that I had the nerve to ask him who he was thinking about and I didn't want to roleplay as an underage daughter anymore. I also once went through his search history and realized that he was looking at his daughter's underage friends' bikini photos over and over and confronted him about that and he just wanted to brush that off as me being crazy for going through his search history. Right after I discovered that he was looking at the one underage girl's butt for over a week, deliberately going back to look at her raciest photo over and over, his daughter begged to move the girl into the house and I said no and he said yes and then tried to lie to me about her living in our house while I was gone. I realized everything was wrong when the girl kept walking into our home while we were on the phone and saying things like, "Hi, daddy, I'm hooome!"... Then he didn't want to throw the girl out and I didn't come back for 5 months and he acted like I was a monster for not wanting to live with his daughter and this 'friend' who was on drugs and had repeatedly threatened to kill me over the years. The daughter and this friend used to stand in the house and out on the driveway screaming about "beating that bitch's ass" and for me to come out of my room to "get killed" and I was the "bitch" they were always talking about beating up. And he knew about all of that and expected me to live in that dysfunction and acted like I was unreasonable for saying no. I put my foot down and refused to come back and he wound up buying the girl and his daughter an apartment and paying for all of their new furniture and everything, and he got mad at me for 'forcing his daughter out.' She was 19 at that point and I didn't say that she had to go, just the extra girl that they'd brought in, who I had always had problems with and who was on drugs (why her own parents kicked her out). Then when I did come home, he pouted about missing his daughter (who he moved literally a 5 minute walk away from our house) and took it out on me. I could see the girls moving out on our one in-house camera and the friend kept insisting that she wanted my partner to give her my TV. He didn't give her my TV, but when I came home, he lied about taking me out on our boat and we drove way out of town and, I realized when we got to our destination, he bought the girl a huge, refurbished flat screen... after paying for a new bedroom set for her and all of the other furniture and kitchen supplies and the actual rent... there was a lot of me feeling stupid, humiliated, and lied to over the years that I tried to ignore because the good times were great and I wanted to regain his approval constantly. Taking me to buy that girl a TV and lying about where we were going is one of those humiliating times.

-When I needed surgery and wanted to come and stay with him for a few weeks before my surgery, he got mad and accused me of trying to ruin his alone time and Christmas with his daughter (she was 21 at the time), as though I had them schedule an emergency surgery just to ruin their Christmas somehow. He was mean to me all the way up to my surgery and I found out he was talking to another girl literally during my surgery. He promised me he would fly in and be there for my actual surgery and, of course, he didn't do that at all.

-I was reading about triangulation today and realized that he often pitted me against other women he was talking to and even his own daughter to keep me feeling insecure and unsure of my standing in our life together. Especially his own daughter. I felt so happy when, just last year, he finally told me that he loved me AS MUCH as his daughter and that he loved me and I had the third place in his life next to his kids (right before actually dumping me and mostly ghosting me), and I realize now how sick that is. I've been extra confused the past few months because he would talk to me about staying together and figuring things out and then other people were telling me that he was telling them that I'm his crazy ex who can't let go and I'm irrelevant bullshit. I think he was just playing me and keeping me on the hook while tearing me apart to other people we talk to.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm finally allowing myself to look at the bad times and bad behavior and the red flags and all the times that I was hurt and it's a lot and it's a lot to even admit to. It frightens me that, even acknowledging how bad things got at times, I'm still not sure that I wouldn't take him back if he wanted to get back together. The push and pull of how he treated me when he was "happy with me" and how he treated me when he was "mad at me" and how I had to twist myself up into knots to try to get him to be happy again... it's a hard cycle... and when things were good, they were so good and felt so perfect and romantic to me, and they were so horrific and abusive when they were bad...

In February, he told me that I should leave my cat with him until I got moved and then he would bring her to me, and he made it sound like we were going to get back together and that he would be so heartbroken if I took the cat and that he was struggling so much, so I left her there. Now that I'm moved in with my sister and settled in, I asked him today if he would bring my cat to me or, if he is unable, I offered to come and get her (it's a 16 hour drive). Now he's refusing to give me the cat until I move into my own place. He knows that I'm sick and that I need help and that I'm planning on living with my sister for the next 3-7 years. He's been to her house and it's a beautiful 4,000 square foot home in a relatively crime-free, affluent area, and will be 6,000 square feet once they finish the walkout basement that's going to be my permanent 'apartment.' Him insisting that I move out before I can have my cat feels like just another bait and switch and trying to control my life. He knows that I'm so sick and so stressed and he can't keep any of his promises to me ever. His word means nothing. I feel so disappointed in him and so let down and so stressed. I feel like I've put up with so much from him and his family and friends over the years and I've done it with love and forgiveness and kindness and he just keeps spitting on me. Now I don't know what to do. It's like he knows I have cancer and I'm suicidal and struggling and he smirks at me and tells me that I need to move out on my own to get my pet back... that I have to be alone...

 

[Sweetpea76]

With as much disrespect as I can muster… f*ck that guy. Not only is he a complete asshole, he sounds like he has little girl proclivities too. That alone makes him a horrible person.

Pine sol in your drink? Did you call the cops and make a police report? His daughter is also a horrible person.

He also does not get to decide anything about your life or living situation. You’re an adult and you broke up. He has been mind-f*cking you for years… because he is a horrible person.

It sounds like he is dangling that cat over your head to control you. It sounds like it’s time to mourn that loss and move on. He’s not going to give it back… because he is a horrible person.

Consider the bullet dodged. You survived and got out.

 

[Teasel]

@LittlestBird I'm sorry for all you've been through. I think the book Why Does he do That by Lundy Bancroft might be helpful for you. It really helped me.
Best x

 

[Friday]

I am starting to come out of the fog of the relationship, 8 months later.

Sounds like your standards are starting to rise.

Which is a damn good thing.

Because a few months ago it was ONLY the post-NOLA assholery that stood out to you as wrong… and if he could just put a foot really firmly on his shoulder and pull his head out of his ass? Be how he was before? You’d have gone back to him, yes?

Now?

Frogs in boiling water.

You’ve had enough time to get some clarity on things that have been very wrong, for a very long time.