Relationship Partner of 8 years suddenly "needs space" and accusing me of things.

PS @LittlestBird , just to add (I am sorry I missed the edit but am at work) I have found the one thing which has helped me greatly is recognizing whether by nature or life experiences, I am very gentle or wounded frankly and I need to choose people who don't take advantage of that and who don't get glee from crushing it, just because they can. I don't mean being sensitive to criticism (there's cbt for that), nor do I mean I don't like ribbing. I mean people who pull a wing off a butterfly just because they can. Whether they are partners, friends, family or acquaintances. There is a saying, before you get too down on yourself make sure you are not surrounded by as*holes.

I think my mom said it best: ''Anyone can see how you are; pick people who value it'. At the very least, if not cherish it, respect it.
 
I'm sorry @LittlestBird I saw this just when I logged out.

My 2 cents- don't listen to any person who 'happily informs you' of what anyone knows is going to cause you great pain. Even the wording- would anyone who cared for you share it that way? So you cannot trust her, perhaps her intentions aren't good, nor can you trust what she said. It way be true, or not, or incomplete, or a number of things. That doesn't mean I'm defending him. From what I recall, you have cancer, you had to find a new way and place to live, you are concerned about the cats, there was a birthday or anniversary? Let alone to hear about the cause of your own ptsd. JMHO but a week is nothing, and isolating can go a long time. You have many needs he is giving no support to or for.

What is especially not good however, is if he recognizes you are in pain and doesn't address it. That is not loving and not grounds for a good relationship. If you have ptsd also, you get what is not an excuse.

He might be more of a frog than a Prince at this time in his life. Or just a jerk/ as*hole- I went through enough I came to believe men couldn't be otherwise. And unfortunately, many women who were just the same. One of the most abusive men I gave the most excuses for. You deserve better, and much more.

JMHThoughts but take care of whatever you need for yourself and leave him to himself. Including who he associates with or not. He's not acting like a person anyone could have a caring relationship with (do you want that?), and running wide open.

I am very sorry for your grief and pain. Hugs to you.
Thank you so much for your replies and insight. It really helps me to hear from other people who aren't biased. My best friends all told me that the woman who said those things sounded full of it and not to trust her or anyone who would speak that way, but I have a tendency to think that they are just sparing my feelings and trying to be gentle with me. I also have a tendency to blame myself for everything and to think that I deserve to be talked down to and pushed around, so I will take the one negative voice in a crowd and that is what sticks to my heart and in my head.

I keep wanting to reach out to my partner's family and friends who used to speak to me and claim to love me (but who haven't checked in with me AT ALL since the start of this), and to ask if he is okay and how he seems and to see if he is even really talking to anyone else, but I know that I cannot trust anything that they say anyhow, and I also don't want my partner to feel like I am telling everyone about what he is going through and talking about him behind his back and ignoring his requests and his boundaries. I think if I were isolating, it would really stress me out to have other people trying to contact me and telling me that my girlfriend said I was having problems, if I was trying to hide those problems and process them on my own. I'm trying very hard to be respectful and caring, even though I don't feel that I have gotten any respect or care from him or his family and friends in the past six months.

I'm trying to do as you said and surround myself with the people who support, love, and know me, and who I can trust and depend on. It's just all of the unknowns and accusations from my partner that really kill me and have me so depressed. If he had told me that he's having flashbacks and can't sleep again and that he's very depressed and his PTSD is bad again, that would have been easy(ier) for me to understand and deal with and respect, but he really started making up stories about me and trying to blame all of his pain on me, and because of who I am, it has made me feel very bad and responsible, even though I KNOW what he's said about me and our relationship isn't true and that I never did the things he was accusing me of. It's hard for me to know where to go from there. I just feel very beat down and I wonder if he has convinced other people that I'm a monster and our relationship was awful, and I know I shouldn't care about what such people think of me and my life, but it is very hurtful. The not knowing anything for sure makes it even worse.

I am moving to live with my sister in a week and should finally have some of my health problems addressed. I've been so depressed that I've been skipping my doctor's appointments here where I currently live, but my sister has lined up several good surgeons and doctors for me to see already and promised that she would take me to the appointments and that I would not be alone.

I'm angry because I feel like I should have had my partner with me through all of this - the medical issues, the packing and sorting out moving, the house repairs, the financial stress, all of the stressful things that have come up that I have had to deal with by myself, without the support that he had originally promised me, and he can't even be bothered to keep up with the bare minimum that he promised me at the end (sending me photos of our cats and letting me know when his therapy and doctor's appointments are and if he feels any different or answers any of his questions or gains any new insights). There have been so many times where I've had to talk myself down off of a ledge in the past couple months and I feel angry sometimes because I guess he wants to go through his stuff alone, but I didn't and don't want to be alone, and it's made my PTSD, my health issues, and my life a million times worse and harder. I feel like he made all of the decisions and all of his decisions tore our family apart, tore our home life apart, and tore me apart as a person.

And I'm still trying not to lash out and trying not to be angry at him and to make sure that I don't hurt him worse while people are actively trying to hurt me.

I know that life isn't fair, but I get tired of it being so unfair and tired of having to go through more trauma.

Is it normal for someone with PTSD to want to isolate and to start making up stories about their partner and accusing them of things that never happened? That's the weird part for me still. Was the making stuff up about me just done to justify pushing me away and isolating in the first place? Does he honestly believe the bad things he's made up about me? Will reality ever come back? These are the questions that drive me crazy lately.

PS @LittlestBird , just to add (I am sorry I missed the edit but am at work) I have found the one thing which has helped me greatly is recognizing whether by nature or life experiences, I am very gentle or wounded frankly and I need to choose people who don't take advantage of that and who don't get glee from crushing it, just because they can. I don't mean being sensitive to criticism (there's cbt for that), nor do I mean I don't like ribbing. I mean people who pull a wing off a butterfly just because they can. Whether they are partners, friends, family or acquaintances. There is a saying, before you get too down on yourself make sure you are not surrounded by as*holes.

I think my mom said it best: ''Anyone can see how you are; pick people who value it'. At the very least, if not cherish it, respect it.

This is something that has hit me hard lately. I did think that my partner's family and friends were my family and friends after 8 years of being around them, only to realize that they aren't that great and they were so quick to throw me under the bus and talk down to me and poorly about me. The men, even married ones, who started aggressively hitting on me as well. It was very disheartening to go through. I've been thinking a lot about how, if my partner and I even got back together, what that would be like for me now, because I do not want to be around his family and 'friends' anymore.

I used to think that I found a kindred spirit in my partner and that he was someone like me, someone who went through a lot of trauma and was still good, kind, compassionate, gentle, and great at being clear and communicating. I thought he was someone who was well adjusted in spite of what he went through. To have him change so abruptly is hard to cope with and to have him just disappear on me and turn on me so harshly feels like he is someone that I never really knew. I know we aren't ourselves in the middle of the trauma or stress or flashbacks, but to be someone I don't even recognize...
 
Well. I was on day 20 of my partner not speaking to me or sending me any pictures of our cats and day 10 of me not saying anything either because it seems like the more I say, the less he says, so I was just giving him the space that he asked for. I've also gotten very tired of his "friends" and everything in general after that woman told me that she had a long talk with him and that I'm "irrelevant bullshit." Then, last night, my partner sent me a picture of each of our cats next to a sign that he made that simply says "Happy Mother's Day."

That, I thought, was a sweet gesture. He didn't say anything else. No text. Just the two photos of our cats next to the sign he made.
I don't know how to respond to it? Do I just 'like' the photos? Should I say something short yet encouraging? Maybe a "Thank you for the sweet photos. It means a lot to me." And end it there? I feel like I'm trapped because I don't want to be too emotional because he clearly can't handle my strong emotions right now, but I also don't want to ignore the gesture because I want to see my cats and, whenever he contacts me at all, I ache for wanting my partner back too. I'm so afraid of messing things up more from my end and it's sad because I didn't really ever do anything "wrong" in the first place; I'm just trapped in this weird space that he and his mental illness have created. I'm afraid of saying too much and of saying too little and of saying the wrong things...

How do you handle things like this? Just keep being kind and short and to the point when the person does contact you? And keep giving him space otherwise? I find that I struggle with being "lighthearted," like many people suggested that I send him funny pictures and videos like usual and I couldn't do that when he's.. hurting me so badly, but I've been posting funny things and updates and even a few pictures of myself in a group chat that he is also in and I can manage that. When I talk to him directly, it's hard for me to not want answers and an apology and resolution to things and for him to have some clarity that isn't there yet, so I find that I can be lighthearted in the group chat and not so much with him directly (because I guess I'm just not there yet).
 
Well. I was on day 20 of my partner not speaking to me or sending me any pictures of our cats and day 10 of me not saying anything either because it seems like the more I say, the less he says, so I was just giving him the space that he asked for. I've also gotten very tired of his "friends" and everything in general after that woman told me that she had a long talk with him and that I'm "irrelevant bullshit." Then, last night, my partner sent me a picture of each of our cats next to a sign that he made that simply says "Happy Mother's Day."

That, I thought, was a sweet gesture. He didn't say anything else. No text. Just the two photos of our cats next to the sign he made.
I don't know how to respond to it? Do I just 'like' the photos? Should I say something short yet encouraging? Maybe a "Thank you for the sweet photos. It means a lot to me." And end it there? I feel like I'm trapped because I don't want to be too emotional because he clearly can't handle my strong emotions right now, but I also don't want to ignore the gesture because I want to see my cats and, whenever he contacts me at all, I ache for wanting my partner back too. I'm so afraid of messing things up more from my end and it's sad because I didn't really ever do anything "wrong" in the first place; I'm just trapped in this weird space that he and his mental illness have created. I'm afraid of saying too much and of saying too little and of saying the wrong things...

How do you handle things like this? Just keep being kind and short and to the point when the person does contact you? And keep giving him space otherwise? I find that I struggle with being "lighthearted," like many people suggested that I send him funny pictures and videos like usual and I couldn't do that when he's.. hurting me so badly, but I've been posting funny things and updates and even a few pictures of myself in a group chat that he is also in and I can manage that. When I talk to him directly, it's hard for me to not want answers and an apology and resolution to things and for him to have some clarity that isn't there yet, so I find that I can be lighthearted in the group chat and not so much with him directly (because I guess I'm just not there yet).
Hi. I don't really know the best way of handling it, I'm afraid. I've tried to figure it out for myself for three and a half years and it doesn't get any clearer or easier. All I know for sure is, in my case at least, pushing for anything always pushes him (temporarily) further away. Even for something as simple as very basic contact if he's particularly stressed. So at these times if I message I keep it short, kind and ask nothing. It can last weeks and, once, months. I never know if he'll be back. Or if, in his head, he's ever actually gone. He doesn't see it as I do. He takes the time he needs, when he needs it. I don't think I figure in that equation. I don't think anyone does. It sucks. I hate it. And often it becomes a battle in my own head whether to hang in there, or walk away. I'm never sure if I make the right decision.

I'm sorry you're going through it too. I've read a little of your story and my heart goes out to you. I have no advice. All you can do is what feels right for you, even if that keeps changing. It's your life too. I know how much it can hurt. Wishing you peace and calm down the line x
 
Hi. I don't really know the best way of handling it, I'm afraid. I've tried to figure it out for myself for three and a half years and it doesn't get any clearer or easier. All I know for sure is, in my case at least, pushing for anything always pushes him (temporarily) further away. Even for something as simple as very basic contact if he's particularly stressed. So at these times if I message I keep it short, kind and ask nothing. It can last weeks and, once, months. I never know if he'll be back. Or if, in his head, he's ever actually gone. He doesn't see it as I do. He takes the time he needs, when he needs it. I don't think I figure in that equation. I don't think anyone does. It sucks. I hate it. And often it becomes a battle in my own head whether to hang in there, or walk away. I'm never sure if I make the right decision.

I'm sorry you're going through it too. I've read a little of your story and my heart goes out to you. I have no advice. All you can do is what feels right for you, even if that keeps changing. It's your life too. I know how much it can hurt. Wishing you peace and calm down the line x

I am going into month 8 of him being mean to me mixed with ignoring me and the occasional little breadcrumb of hope. After he sent me the two pictures of our cats sitting next to a sign he had printed saying "Happy Mother's Day," I texted him and said, "Thank you. That's very sweet and it means a lot to me." Then, 3 days later, on my birthday, he sent me nearly identical pictures, but with the cats sitting next to a sign that said, "Happy Birthday". With the birthday pictures, I hit like on them, but didn't say anything. I'm not sure what excuse he has to text me now that the two holidays / events are out of the way. I find myself unable to text him because I can't put myself out there to get ignored even more, to get hurt even more, or to be accused of violating his need for space and his boundaries. I feel that there's nowhere for me to go from the corner he has backed me into and I don't think that I can personally take much more right now without doing something very bad to myself.

On one hand, it's some sort of effort? On the other hand, it's almost a clear "this is from the CATS, not ME" weirdness? My sister thinks he is just doing the absolute bare minimum to keep me invested in case he decides he wants to come back in the future.

I'm settling in to my sister's house while mine goes to market and I should have new health coverage on the first of June and finally be able to get my treatments and surgeries lined up. I am going through so much and I am so emotional. I tried to unpack a bit at my sister's house (where I, at least, have a lovely room and ensuite) and wound up packing everything back up and putting it in storage instead because I have a very hard time looking at things that remind me of partner and our life together. Everything reminds me of my partner and everything has a sweet backstory and I can't reconcile the man he was and the memories we made with who he is now. How does someone go from telling you that you're everything to them and they love you and you're their whole future for 8 years to whatever this is. I'm destroyed. I feel like my abilities to trust and just feel happy in general are gone. My desire to do much of anything is gone. I'm extremely depressed. I'm trying not to be, but I am. I want things to make sense and they just don't.

I worked up the courage to go back and read through some of our last texts during the breaking up phase, when it all first started in earnest, and they hurt just as bad. It's all me pleading and trying to get through to him and trying to get him to acknowledge reality, and him being cold and cruel towards me. He told me, "It's my f*ckin brain. That's not me making shit up. It's what I think happened at the time. And I'm realizing my brain is jacked and shit isn't what I remembered it to be. That's not me making shit up. On purpose. I'm still me. Just not towards you. And if that gives the view that I'm crazy, then ok. I'll deal with it myself. And maybe one day I'll see shit. Who knows. I'm better alone, can't get hurt and can't hurt anyone." And then later, "I'm sorry. I don't know who I am and I'm sorry I lost it for you. I'm trying to figure shit out. That is true. Our relationship was true and my feelings for you were true, I've never lied about that. I'm not going to erase you from my life. You've made more positive impact on my life than anyone has ever. So no, I'm not erasing." But he has. He has basically ghosted me and erased everything and torn me to shreds and kicked me out of our home and everything is a mess...

I think that it's ignorant and selfish for him to say he's better alone because he can't get hurt and can't hurt anyone when I literally never did anything to hurt him and him 'being alone' has wounded me terribly. He has altered me and damaged me, but I don't matter. I want to see the positive and be hopeful, but I'm almost at 8 months of him treating me badly and not making any sense and barely being there at all. I've had friends start giving me books about recovering from abusive relationships with narcissists and it's been making me question a lot because I can see that there are tactics that my partner was using to manipulate and control me and make me question myself, that I never really let myself think a lot about before, and I'm not sure I'm ready to face a lot of things yet.

I wish I had taken my one cat in February when I was there and had the chance, but I believed him when he started telling me that we would get back together and that I should just wait until I was moved and he would bring her to me, and that I could call and see our cats any time. Now I have to deal with getting her back and I don't feel like I can even communicate with him. Selling my house, moving into a new place, trying to settle in, and trying to get my healthcare lined up have just absolutely drained me, and whenever I have a free minute to think, I'm just so sad and confused and get so overwhelmed.
 
8 months? Oy! I hate to say this but you have to put your energy into yourself and move on.

I haven't followed this whole thread but I did just read your first and last post and there are so many red flags.

*Long distance
*Secret phone calls with women
*Telling you what to do (sell your house, move to him, where to put your belongings...)
*Has dad throw you out with no explanation.
*Cruel to you
*Makes you feel horrible
*No remorse

Any ONE of those ^^^ things is reason enough to end things. imo

He doesn't deserve your loyalty.

Do you have a therapist? You need someone irl to help you through this.

✌️

P.S. go get a kitten. 😃
 
8 months? Oy! I hate to say this but you have to put your energy into yourself and move on.

I haven't followed this whole thread but I did just read your first and last post and there are so many red flags.

*Long distance
*Secret phone calls with women
*Telling you what to do (sell your house, move to him, where to put your belongings...)
*Has dad throw you out with no explanation.
*Cruel to you
*Makes you feel horrible
*No remorse

Any ONE of those ^^^ things is reason enough to end things. imo

He doesn't deserve your loyalty.

Do you have a therapist? You need someone irl to help you through this.

✌️

P.S. go get a kitten. 😃
I think it’s been an 8 year relationship, not 8 months x
 
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