Being alive, good judgement and making mistakes

[KwanYingirl]

@Living in the 70s we didn’t get raised in a nurturing place. Nothing was safe, we were indentured servants, we weren’t challenged to try new adventures, there was a long, long time of anti-secure all incubated us into the mot messes we are today.
I kept my children safe, well fed, free play, museums, movies, skiing, mountain climbing, camping out. My children are fearless. They both have good friends and boundless adventurous spirits. I admit that I am jealous. Most recently at my daughters wedding. She was joyous and dancing and their actuall ceremony was about being equals, respect, changing I ways that help them build a better world. She had 110 people there and each one was important to them. They are physically active and eat well. Keeping them safe and finding ways to build self esteem guaranteed they would have good quality spouses and jobs.
I made up my mind after the wedding I was going to start working on my self esteem. And a sense of safety. A person with strong self esteem can afford to be bold, to take risks without the anxiety and self doubt. Growing up I got neglected and punished over many years.

Go easy, a little challenge each day adds up.nailing heathy interactions, driving and not screening for perps leads us climbing out of the mayo jar. Mindful meditation!!!

 

[ms spock]

I will struggle with all this.

 

[ms spock]

I am working on this and it really has come a long way. It is really hard but I can do it. I am doing it.

Questions I asked myself:
"Is this thinking useful?"
"Am I resolving things or going around and around?"
"Why am I thinking this?"

when I thinking about my sister I jumped on myself
"There is no point thinking of this, she will never change, so it is what it is. Radical acceptance is the only way to go."
"I do not have to justify myself."

When thinking of things that produce anxiety
"Is this happening now?"
If it is not happening now I come back to myself and say "This is not happening now. There is no point in going over this now."

 

[ms spock]

I have to shift over and become okay with being alive and accepting as part of being human that I will make mistakes and that is just part of life.

 

[ms spock]

I am fearful of feeling feelings. I spend too much time trying to not feel anything. This is a problem. This week I spent a lot of time reading books, and this just cut off my head and the rubbish swirling around in my head. So my general mental state has improved significantly. I realise that I am doing really well despite the fact, that I rarely feel that what I do is good enough, and I realise that I am way too hard and harsh on myself. This self recriminations is a trigger for some of my eating, and I need to stop this. So I have the books to read on this, and I really need to work on them, and do what I need to do.

I just have no trust of myself and others, and that is a problem for me, it stops me from being present.

 

[ms spock]

This is still a struggle, and I have to get this one so I can be in the world without viciously attacking myself for every mistake. Possibly I need to go back to Self Compassion?

 

[ms spock]

I am so struggling with this. It is so hard for me.

 

[ms spock]

I am almost here with this one. I have stopped beating myself up as much. I am sometimes here in this now.

 

[ms spock]

It is so scary! But I am just a bit more here! I am actually writing up my resume right now!