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Being seen/used as an object

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by Sweetleaf, Mar 24, 2018.

  1. Hooper

    Hooper Active Member Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    I read what you had to say as well as everyone else and decided to just go 100% straight truth. I just asked her if she had any idea what it was like to have the best wife you could ask for, (most importantly) the best Mom for our kids you can ask for, by far the best sex I've ever had (I know you're not supposed to compare x's with a current partner but I figure since no one has come remotely close it is ok) and after knowing all of the above when I see her in the bath tub the fact that I greatly desire her does not mean I objectify her at all. She agreed this was not objectification and seemed sincerely complimented with the truth and my concern about her feeling objectified. For your input and everyone else's thank you.

    I was going to ask for a more detailed response (I'm a little thick) but I got it covered. Had I needed further details I'm sure you would have clarified. That selflessness does not go unnoticed and although it was not needed thanks in advance.

    I read your posts somewhat religiously and you have given me perspective on some issues I've had in the past that were spot on. I remember reading about your objectifiers (the good ones). If I remember right they were gay not that it matters remotely and were just what was needed at the time they were there. You bring up points at times where I come to similar points of view. What you had to say revolved around good objectification by friends who loved you when you needed what they had to offer vs bad objectification. Lately I've been thinking about something similar with the subject being selfishness. Selfishness in the traditional sense is a bad thing but if you help your disabled neighbor unload her groceries because of good selfish reasons like you could not sleep well that night if you did not help with the groceries it takes a traditionally bad trait like selfishness, turns it on its head and makes it a good quality so long as the character of the person who is selfish dictates it is a good thing just like your objectifiers character made it a good thing. It's late and it takes me time to get what you say sometimes but I'm getting better at it and appreciate your input as well as enjoying what you come up with next.
    Swift, Sweetleaf and Freida like this.
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  3. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

    So, I filled a good number of requirements in university with philosophy courses, just because I could and just because I liked it.

    Selfishness is such an interesting concept. You can argue that -literally- every single action anyone takes is selfish, even if it's literally sacrificing your own life to save someone else, it's still, in some way, selfish.

    But, I also love saying this about philosophy: It's just a big fat sack of mumbo jumbo bullshit. :) even though it interests me quite a lot.

    Either way, selfishness is often though of as a purely bad trait, but it can be something that actually helps other people sometimes.
    Hooper and Freida like this.
  4. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

    @Frieda and @Sweetleaf just... whoa. I've read both your posts and felt them intensely, I just can't respond right now.
    @Hooper, your wife is a lucky woman :)
    I think there's a difference between finding someone sexually attractive and objectifying them, and then between objectifying them and treating them like a literal object.
    Forgive me, I'm going to speak in terms that might come across crass, but censoring my language is just going to make this less real.
    Sexual desire is not innately objectifying. All those things you love about your wife? Bingo. They fuel your desire for her. That's healthy and brilliant.
    I think sexual desire, particularly the desire of men towards women, is being (rightfully) challenged at this political/cultural moment, and good men are asking themselves if their desires are healthy and ethical towards the people in their lives. (Rubbish garbage people aren't, though.)
    And then there are some sorts of sexual desire that are objectifying in nature, but not about treating that person as an object. If my sex partner says god I want your tits/arse, you look so hot in that skirt, any other variation on the theme, and they respect me as a human being, sure, it's objectifying, but it's okay.
    Treating someone like an object because you're a raging sadist who gets off on the idea that this person is yours. Belongs to you like property. Does not have a mind of their own, or if they do it exists to be crushed and bent to your will. Only has a body to the extent that it's there for you to violate and harm and defile. Only feels pain because you want them to hurt. And if you're a sick bastard garbage-f*cking trash heap, and you get off on the fact that they don't want you to be doing what you're doing, and the only time you think about their feelings or thoughts is when you are literally using them to cause pain to them and crush them and dominate them against their will so you can get your rocks off, that goes right past sexual desire, objectifying or not, and crashes into treating them like a literal object.
    I think it's a good metaphor but just writing this I feel like it's something even more sinister.
    Like, the whole, yes you're capable of feeling pain and humiliation so while I'm doing that I'm enjoying it, but the second I stop I don't care, unless I'm filing away what you don't like for next time?
    Kind of semi-sentient objects, like a Google Home speaker. Capable of response and dislike, but utterly forgettable.
    Sorry bout the rant.
  5. Gts

    Gts Guest

    Yes.....I can relate...so sorry this happened to you! I to was raped time after time by someone over a period of 6 years being a child of 8 to age 13 or 14....... I to said it hurt and didn't want to do it . This person was ten years older than myself......I use to blame myself for not telling or stopping the abuse . I no longer blame myself for the abuse....unfortunately it doesn't take away the pain.....it will always be there....but saying to myself it's not my fault helps me and now telling my parents has helped me deal with the pain as well.....thanks for your story. It helps make me stronger !
    Sweetleaf and Freida like this.
  6. WishfulThinking123

    WishfulThinking123 Well-Known Member

    @Sweetleaf I can really relate....I too had an abusive marriage where the sexual abuse was very similar to what you described.. There were all of these rules and he would hurt me and I would want him to stop and he would say I know you like it.. so disgusting! I am glad you are out of this relationship!!! Just know you are not an object and you deserve so much more! I am so sorry this has happened to you!
    Freida and Sweetleaf like this.
  7. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

    @WishfulThinking123 wow, yeah, your description hits home hard.

    The f*cking "rules"

    There were some that were actually spoken rules, things he outright said I am forbidden from doing. Then, there are the "rules" that I had to realize were rules, like "oh hey don't ever say no to him, for your own safety"

    I'm sorry you had to deal with such things, too.
    WishfulThinking123 and Freida like this.
  8. 13ReasonsWhyNot

    13ReasonsWhyNot Member

    Oh my god, I totally can relate. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really am.

    I just learned that my rapist did what he did to get back at his girlfriend who had just cheated on him with several people. He decided he was going to "move on with the cutest girl he knew". (This is an actual quote-he contacted me this weekend!!!! :sick:) The rape was bad enough without knowing this new information. I feel even grosser now. I was just an object he took to get back at her. I found out other disturbing details that I never needed to know as well. I've never felt so disgusting in my whole life. And that's saying a lot. At least he took responsibility for everything he did, but I just want to vomit.

    I can completely relate to how you're feeling. It's a sad and sickening revelation, isn't it?
    Freida and Sweetleaf like this.
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