Sexual Assault Being seen/used as an object

[Sweetleaf]

Selfishness in the traditional sense is a bad thing but if you help your disabled neighbor unload her groceries because of good selfish reasons like you could not sleep well that night if you did not help with the groceries it takes a traditionally bad trait like selfishness, turns it on its head and makes it a good quality so long as the character of the person who is selfish dictates it is a good thing just like your objectifiers character made it a good thing

So, I filled a good number of requirements in university with philosophy courses, just because I could and just because I liked it.

Selfishness is such an interesting concept. You can argue that -literally- every single action anyone takes is selfish, even if it's literally sacrificing your own life to save someone else, it's still, in some way, selfish.

But, I also love saying this about philosophy: It's just a big fat sack of mumbo jumbo bullshit. :) even though it interests me quite a lot.

Either way, selfishness is often though of as a purely bad trait, but it can be something that actually helps other people sometimes.

 

[Swift]

@Freida and @Sweetleaf just... whoa. I've read both your posts and felt them intensely, I just can't respond right now.
@Hooper, your wife is a lucky woman :)
I think there's a difference between finding someone sexually attractive and objectifying them, and then between objectifying them and treating them like a literal object.
Forgive me, I'm going to speak in terms that might come across crass, but censoring my language is just going to make this less real.
Sexual desire is not innately objectifying. All those things you love about your wife? Bingo. They fuel your desire for her. That's healthy and brilliant.
I think sexual desire, particularly the desire of men towards women, is being (rightfully) challenged at this political/cultural moment, and good men are asking themselves if their desires are healthy and ethical towards the people in their lives. (Rubbish garbage people aren't, though.)
And then there are some sorts of sexual desire that are objectifying in nature, but not about treating that person as an object. If my sex partner says god I want your tits/arse, you look so hot in that skirt, any other variation on the theme, and they respect me as a human being, sure, it's objectifying, but it's okay.
Treating someone like an object because you're a raging sadist who gets off on the idea that this person is yours. Belongs to you like property. Does not have a mind of their own, or if they do it exists to be crushed and bent to your will. Only has a body to the extent that it's there for you to violate and harm and defile. Only feels pain because you want them to hurt. And if you're a sick bastard garbage-f*cking trash heap, and you get off on the fact that they don't want you to be doing what you're doing, and the only time you think about their feelings or thoughts is when you are literally using them to cause pain to them and crush them and dominate them against their will so you can get your rocks off, that goes right past sexual desire, objectifying or not, and crashes into treating them like a literal object.
I think it's a good metaphor but just writing this I feel like it's something even more sinister.
Like, the whole, yes you're capable of feeling pain and humiliation so while I'm doing that I'm enjoying it, but the second I stop I don't care, unless I'm filing away what you don't like for next time?
Kind of semi-sentient objects, like a Google Home speaker. Capable of response and dislike, but utterly forgettable.
Sorry bout the rant.

 

[Gts]

In my last therapy session, my therapist and I talked about things rather than doing EMDR. I'm totall...

Yes.....I can relate...so sorry this happened to you! I to was raped time after time by someone over a period of 6 years being a child of 8 to age 13 or 14....... I to said it hurt and didn't want to do it . This person was ten years older than myself......I use to blame myself for not telling or stopping the abuse . I no longer blame myself for the abuse....unfortunately it doesn't take away the pain.....it will always be there....but saying to myself it's not my fault helps me and now telling my parents has helped me deal with the pain as well.....thanks for your story. It helps make me stronger !

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Sweetleaf I can really relate....I too had an abusive marriage where the sexual abuse was very similar to what you described.. There were all of these rules and he would hurt me and I would want him to stop and he would say I know you like it.. so disgusting! I am glad you are out of this relationship!!! Just know you are not an object and you deserve so much more! I am so sorry this has happened to you!

 

[Sweetleaf]

@WishfulThinking123 wow, yeah, your description hits home hard.

The f*cking "rules"

There were some that were actually spoken rules, things he outright said I am forbidden from doing. Then, there are the "rules" that I had to realize were rules, like "oh hey don't ever say no to him, for your own safety"

I'm sorry you had to deal with such things, too.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

Oh my god, I totally can relate. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really am.

I just learned that my rapist did what he did to get back at his girlfriend who had just cheated on him with several people. He decided he was going to "move on with the cutest girl he knew". (This is an actual quote-he contacted me this weekend!!!! :sick:) The rape was bad enough without knowing this new information. I feel even grosser now. I was just an object he took to get back at her. I found out other disturbing details that I never needed to know as well. I've never felt so disgusting in my whole life. And that's saying a lot. At least he took responsibility for everything he did, but I just want to vomit.

I can completely relate to how you're feeling. It's a sad and sickening revelation, isn't it?

 

[lookingfor help]

In my last therapy session, my therapist and I talked about things rather than doing EMDR. I'm totall...

I can’t even begin to explain how much I relate to this. Even before my assault I had this complex when it came to men. The assault almost “confirmed” it. He completely ignored my boundaries, and forced me into something I never wanted to be a part of. I always find it so hard to talk about that part, the moments leading up to the assault because scrape that he could have been the nicest guy. He certainly acted like it. I went through feeling I wasn’t good enough, and blaming myself, because he’d done what he had to do and left: I’ve never heard from him since. And no full well from the police investigation he wasn’t remorseful. At this point I don’t care whether he meant what he said or did what he had to do to get the charges dropped, but I’ve never felt so worthless. Any physical interaction with a guy, a kiss for example made me feel sick after, and dirty. And horribly I fell into the trap of letting another guy in. Long story short he wasn’t emotionally ready for anything serious, so there I was left feeling used again, thinking I got the “nice guy” all wrong yet again. It’s really hard, I know I have a lot of distrust when it comes to men that’s just like doubled and tripled with everything after the assault. But I believe so much therapy will help me through it and I’m so glad hearing you’re sharing this in a safe place and you’re getting help. We aren’t things, or objects. We’re real and we should have been respected.