Best Course Of Action When Abuser Is Still In Picture

[Susan M]

Folks, I'm losing it. I have had no real contact with my ex for years. Within the last 6 months I have seen him quite a bit due to him renewing visitation with kids. The last few weeks, he has been sending food home with the kids, which in itself is not a big deal. But there is quite a bit and it's ethnic food that we wouldn't normally eat. When the kids said he should send less, he told them it needed to be cooked every other day, so it's not wasted, and he really isn't sending that much. This past weekend he not only sent home food, but toys and treats for the dogs. I lost it. I started shaking. panicking and flashbacks. When I talked to my therapist, she said he is trying to get his foot in the door and it needs to stop. My husband says we should ignore him, that if he sees that he's not getting to me, maybe he will stop. Hubby also said if I just changed my mindset, we could get through this. I'm falling apart here.....

 

[catjudo]

I have moved this thread from the Complex Trauma forum. The Complex Trauma forum is for the discussion of complex traumatic occurrences only, and not for those with complex trauma to discuss just any topic.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/read-before-posting-within-this-forum-cptsd-is-not-a-diagnosis.14005/[/DLMURL]

 

[Susan M]

Where can I post this for other's input or comments?

 

[catjudo]

Right where it is at. You posted it in the Complex Trauma forum. I moved it to the PTSD forum.

 

[Susan M]

Thank you.

 

[ronin47]

If his sending things home with the children is what's making you nervous, why don't you call him and ask him to let you know when and what he plans on sending. I certainly will not dispute what your therapist said, but it could be a round about way of him trying to strengthen his relationship with you children again. That's (or so my mother tells me) a guys way of saying he cares, by providing things. You certainly are entitled to self care and protection though. So ya, I would just ask him to call or email ahead of time saying he has something he wants to give to the kids. Then maybe you can tell him if you do or don't want it. If he's not receptive to that request, ask your children to tell you when he offers them something. You used the word "abuser" in your title, which I assume means that your ex was abusive of you. Just out of curiosity, are your children aware that this occured?

 

[Susan M]

Yes, he was. I have four kids with him, I'm speaking of the younger two in this post who are 13 and 10. They have had no contact with him for the last 5 years due to court order (drub/alcohol abuse) and my 10 year old only has very vague memories of her papa from when she was about 4 and went for supervised visitation before it was completely stopped. They only know little bits of what went on, the 13 year old having some memories of his own, the 10 year old was a baby when I left. I don't tell them a lot of what happened, they know some of the bigger ones only because they still cause triggers and they obviously know that mom has some issues. I know this food thing must sound so insignificant, but it's every other weekend, bags of it, and gifts. He's a master manipulator and has already been warned once by the kids GAL to focus on the kids and not on me, I literally tried to focus on the food just being him sending food (providing), until the dog treats and toys came. It just reminds of the statements he used to make "I'll always be in your life, you'll never get rid of me"...those kinds of things. So when I see the food and I see the treats, it's where I go. I mentioned to him at a meeting that when he is with the kids (my husband I used to have to go the visits so the kids wouldn't be nervous), could he not ask them in front of me if they remember his knife or gun collections? It is very stressful. His reply is yes, but those are your memories (which aren't good). I'm trying to look at this from both angles/sides, I'm just struggling with the past constantly popping up....

 

[shari3]

I am a survivor of domestic abuse and I can tell you that food sending is not about food it is about control. He is trying to control what you and your children eat from a distance. You have the right to decide what you will eat and will not eat. My response would be to send an email that stated "my grocery shopping has been done for the month and while I appreciate you trying to help financially I will be sending back any food that the children bring home as I cannot support food going to waste. Thank you." My ex plays these and other games constantly. He will threaten to have me arrested (he is a police officer) over any and everything. The more room you give him, the more room he will take. He will accuse you of hurting the children when you return the food. Ignore it. Smile at your kids...don't badmouth him...say you have your menu and groceries planned and you will give the food to Daddy so it doesnt' go to waste and they can look forward to having it there. Smile and repeat. Smile and repeat. You must control your symptoms and if it leads to symptoms then you must take action and not think about his side...that thinking will get you nowhere. Just my experience and opinion.