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Biggest ptsd meltdown in a long time

I'm just venting, so bare with me here.

My trauma stems from the death of my baby daughter during a very early labour, the poor medical treatment at that time and also many years of ttc prior to all this, nearly 9yrs ago now

Today, myself, sisters and a friend were doing a little surprise baby shower/big brother celebration for a dear friend and her son.

I don't really like baby showers normally, never have tbf. I've always found them over the top and I can't bare the ridiculous "games", and they just put a lot of pressure and expectation on family and friends, so I didn't even have a shower when I was pregnant. However, the idea was a nice chilled out afternoon with nice drinks and yummy food, and a few gifts for mum, baby and big brother, which I was pretty comfortable with. Our friend has had a rough time with ttc and this pregnancy has been incredibly difficult, which I really understand personally.

I'd prepped for the celebration today, both practically and emotionally, and felt OK. It was manic prepping at my sisters house so we were all a bit stressed, but I was OK, right up til our friend told me we had games including decorating a baby vest and finding mini baby figures in jelly (I think my eyes rolled louder than a I could scream 🤣). I suddenly felt overwhelm, fear, sadness, racing heart and extreme anxiety of anyone seeing my being triggered. I had to move my car before mum arrived, and that's when I just lost it. Full on panic attack, memories of games at other showers during ttc, uncontrollably crying etc. I couldn't go back inside, so knew I'd reached my limit and needed to go home.

Whilst I know I did my best, and also did what was best for me by not attending, I'm so bloody angry that yet again ptsd means I miss out on nice times with family and friends. No one but my sisters saw my meltdown thank god. They're incredibly kind and understanding regarding Annabelle and my grief, but they don't have ptsd, so obviously they can't quite get it bless them.

If you've got this far, thank you just for listening. I just needed to let it out somewhere safely x
 
I seriously hate that shit, when symptoms spike & curtail my life. Drives me up the damn wall.

Like everything else, in PTSD land? The UPSIDE is that it’s a) temporary & b) extremely reactive / there’s a whole helluva lot I can do to reduce symptoms… fast.

One big damn DOWNSIDE, I’ve found, is when it isn’t PTSD but heartbreak? I’m gonna a) be shattered for soooooo much longer, & b) it’s gonna f*ck with my PTSD symptoms because Stress Cup.

With you.

Some things NEVER hurt less, we just learn how to carry them better, and get stronger, as we learn to carry them.
 
I seriously hate that shit, when symptoms spike & curtail my life. Drives me up the damn wall.

Like everything else, in PTSD land? The UPSIDE is that it’s a) temporary & b) extremely reactive / there’s a whole helluva lot I can do to reduce symptoms… fast.

One big damn DOWNSIDE, I’ve found, is when it isn’t PTSD but heartbreak? I’m gonna a) be shattered for soooooo much longer, & b) it’s gonna f*ck with my PTSD symptoms because Stress Cup.

With you.

Some things NEVER hurt less, we just learn how to carry them better, and get stronger, as we learn to carry them.
Thank you, and yep, I'm sooooo with you on it driving you up the damm wall!

The heartbreak, I think that's what infuriates me so much is that so much of my heartbreak and grief is so heavily intertwined with my ptsd, and that even with all the trauma therapy and helpful techniques in the world, I can't plan for or predict everything, so can't always prevent an attack.

I'd done my prep, I felt prepared, and even when sh/t hit the fan, I was able to calm and regulate a lot quicker than maybe years ago. Today im exhausted from it, but not spinning out of control/still triggered, so I can see how far I have come healing wise. It's just such a gut punch that yet again I've had to endure this and miss out.
 
Please be gentle with yourself. Its ok to not be able to be present when the triggers hit. As @Friday said, sometimes we learn to carry them better, but when we dont, we need to forgive ourselves.
Thank you for your kind words, and i totally agree. Tbf I can see how far I've come with therapy, I haven't blamed myself and know it was best for me to go home, I'm just sad that I miss out on time with loved ones, and I guess it reinforces that not only will I forever miss my baby, I have to cope with ptsd too. I know I'll be OK, I guess it's just tiring and needed to vent x
 
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