DazedandAbused
New Here
I'm new to this forum and here's my story...
I was an only child who was verbally, emotionally and physically abused by my parents, mostly my mother. My father was rarely around and at 6 years old was told I needed to be the "man of the house" when he left home. He couldn't handle my mother's issues and abandoned me to take care of her. She would say one thing and respond completely out of context, and I got beat, screamed at, and things thrown at me for not understanding what she wanted and asked "why are you doing this to me". She blamed me for all of her problems. I developed "fight or flight" emotions and by 2nd grade, I got into fights at school at least once or twice a week and was told by mom and school, it was my fault. I started believing.....
Fast forward....(there are so many scenes in between that I may share at another time) I developed many symptoms that I didn't realize were PTSD until several years ago. I believed I was not worthy and started hanging with not so great folks in my teens and early twenties. I'm a survivor type and when things started getting uglier with needing guns and knives for protection I somehow managed to see this was not my life and went back to college followed by a career. Unfortunately all of the anger and emotions from the abuse followed with me. It was hard to focus, keep my cool, had constant conflicts in the world, fighting with my ex, mad at the court system for paying close to 90% in child support and having to work over 60 hours a week so I could get visitation with my kids. Fast forward...
Many more years later still working way too many hours and going off and on to various types of support, I had greatly reduced my out bursts of rage at my past and started a new family. Unfortunately I still had symptoms, like IBS, self-sabotage, short temper, poor focus and attention span to name a few. About 6 years ago I had a wake up call and developed tachycardia, thankfully my heart rate is back to normal. Realizing I couldn't keep going on as I have been, I started looking at myself more and see that I still have much to fix. I was trying to fix the physical symptoms with very little progress and see that the problems are really related to PTSD.
I currently feel sad and a bit unworthy as I don't have work, and very behind in my bills and constantly blaming myself, and feel shame. My mother still hooks me in and I get pulled down still. I try to keep contact limited.
Reading other folks hurt saddens me greatly, but not feel so alone and hope to support and be supported the best I can. Thanks for reading.
I was an only child who was verbally, emotionally and physically abused by my parents, mostly my mother. My father was rarely around and at 6 years old was told I needed to be the "man of the house" when he left home. He couldn't handle my mother's issues and abandoned me to take care of her. She would say one thing and respond completely out of context, and I got beat, screamed at, and things thrown at me for not understanding what she wanted and asked "why are you doing this to me". She blamed me for all of her problems. I developed "fight or flight" emotions and by 2nd grade, I got into fights at school at least once or twice a week and was told by mom and school, it was my fault. I started believing.....
Fast forward....(there are so many scenes in between that I may share at another time) I developed many symptoms that I didn't realize were PTSD until several years ago. I believed I was not worthy and started hanging with not so great folks in my teens and early twenties. I'm a survivor type and when things started getting uglier with needing guns and knives for protection I somehow managed to see this was not my life and went back to college followed by a career. Unfortunately all of the anger and emotions from the abuse followed with me. It was hard to focus, keep my cool, had constant conflicts in the world, fighting with my ex, mad at the court system for paying close to 90% in child support and having to work over 60 hours a week so I could get visitation with my kids. Fast forward...
Many more years later still working way too many hours and going off and on to various types of support, I had greatly reduced my out bursts of rage at my past and started a new family. Unfortunately I still had symptoms, like IBS, self-sabotage, short temper, poor focus and attention span to name a few. About 6 years ago I had a wake up call and developed tachycardia, thankfully my heart rate is back to normal. Realizing I couldn't keep going on as I have been, I started looking at myself more and see that I still have much to fix. I was trying to fix the physical symptoms with very little progress and see that the problems are really related to PTSD.
I currently feel sad and a bit unworthy as I don't have work, and very behind in my bills and constantly blaming myself, and feel shame. My mother still hooks me in and I get pulled down still. I try to keep contact limited.
Reading other folks hurt saddens me greatly, but not feel so alone and hope to support and be supported the best I can. Thanks for reading.
