Blending of Past and Present

@insignificant i think every reaction I have is from feedback I received, either as a child or from my abusive husband. That's a grand total of 59 years, and I know that on most things my perception is warped because of the negative feedback I received for so long. I'm finding I need to take a step back often and ascess my thought pattern. Is it reasonable, is it regurgitated garbage from the past.

I'm really very lucky, my Cerebral Palsy wasn't that bad for many years. I went to regular schools, got married, was able to keep house and raise my two kids. The last decade or so has been a lot harder, my aging body and, I believe, being on the wrong meds for too many years have taken quite a toll on me but my son is wonderful. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, don't do anything I can't do. I didn't have to cook that meal,he would have done it when he got home but I still wrestle with feeling like I SHOULD contribute, and actually wanting to contribute.

I've never been good at being kind to myself but I'm getting a wee bit better at it. My son shows me a new perspective, he tells me he sees me struggle to do things that are easy for him and it makes it a little easier for me to cut myself some slack. I can be a worthwhile person even if I can't or choose not to do things that are easier for someone who is able-bodied.


That is quite a vivid experience you had there. I am in the school that self critic whether one realizes or not is a parental voice/internalization or whatever it is called in your psyche. Of course, one may say it cannot be cause I love my parents and they never did this to me but it does not even mean they did to could be they do it to themselves and you as a child or a youngster absorbed it in their presence. Children learn a lot by emulating and watching as much as what is told to them. It seems and I could be wrong and I am sorry if I am wrong and please correct me, that maybe your were sick and sometimes adults around you were not able to cope appropriate with this (good or bad) so unfortunately you absorbed that experience in your body and ultimately in your internalization (the 'other' parts) in your mind.

Not sure what I am saying makes sense, my advise to you is not to correct but observe and see what that means for you. By enough observation, your observing parts/internalization/self parts get stronger and the mind quiets down. It is always quite fascinating and really amazing how our minds and body can wake up at any time. Just by cutting a chicken, you experienced a profound side of you that you were not aware of as fully before. Correcting it is making crazy cause you cannt correct behaviours of others who influenced you but you can observe to deepened your own understanding of it and the reasons you carried on.

I agree with the observe part. Stop all the “physco babble” stuff like arguing or trying to figure out what is going on and experience it because that is what I call a “blocking” technique” I have used to keep memories at a distance.

I typically will “test” the little voice to see if it is accurate which it usually is but this far it has been very, very accurate in terms of guiding me in a safer direction. One of the great things about healing is that your level of “perception” increases!! I am better at telling who is rotten and who is good.

I’ve noticed the emergence of very quick “memories” that at first are extremely fleeting! By fleeting I mean 1/8 of a second. Recently, like 2 days ago, I had a big “flash” and I felt the “intense pain” but I couldn’t “comprehend” whose name was flashed inside of my mind. I calmed myself down and just made an audio diary entry and by talking I was able to come up with the girls name! Again I think my amnesia that will surround some flashbacks at first is yet another “blocking technique” used by my mind (not me). The “verbal psycho babble” is intentionally done by me to me!!

What I’ve come to realize is that my mind seems to let things “come up” bit bit over the course of months. I keep a chart on “Day One” so that I can go back and see the gradual increase of all “memory flashes”. This particular memory started 2/8/20, and then again 5/20/20. The memory was this: a girl that I was casual acquaintances with o.d. I had to my Old high school to get a transcript for college and everyone I saw was talking about what happened to this girl in graphic detail. It was upsetting. I also think that there is something else trying to come up as well involving me being sexually abused by my gf at the time, but I am not there yet.

what is strange is that I never thought I had memory issues. I had 2 close friends say something to me but I couldn’t see it until now at 55. I am sad that I had to wait this long to get a quality of life but I don’t think I could have handled this sooner. It is so painful even at my age.