Relationship Boundaries In Relationships

[Nonie]

What are the boundaries in a relationship between a carer and a sufferer? What should be expected on both sides and what isn't acceptable at all?

I would just like some insight on how to handle certain things. How do i know, as a carer, that i'm being "stepped on" and it shouldn't be going that far? Sometimes i find it a little hard to know what should be acceptable from a sufferer and what shouldn't be acceptable from a sufferer.

Is there anything the sufferer would like for us to do? How do i know, as a carer, that i'm pushing their limits, and what are those limits?

I guess what i'm trying to ask is..what is right and what is wrong when it comes to a carer's feelings and a sufferer's feelings?

Advice from sufferers, as well as carers would be appreciated if you'd like to share! Thanks in advance.

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Nonie

To me the answers to your questions are individual based on the people in the relationship.

Bottom line is you have to set the boundaries that you feel are right for you. These may or may not be seen as reasonable by the other person. You then get down to the nitty gritties of any basic relationship.....whether or not you agree on the fundamentals and are willing to compromise on others to a point where it is a successful union. Feelings should not be judged as right or wrong by others....your feelings are your feelings and it is in the truth of that where you must make your decision. If someone continually does something to you which causes you to have hurt feelings you have to ask yourself am I being reasonable in my reaction....Yes or No... and then make your decision.

 

[midi]

i find that one of the most important things is calmly telling me how my behaviour effects others--communication is key in setting up boundaries. my son is very good at verbalizing and it helps. while people may disagree on issues, we can validate all feelings.

 

[Robyn]

As a carer, I've found that the things I tolerate are a little more flexible. I've asked him to tell me if he needs to be alone but told him that I'd be upset if he chose to spend the entire day wallowing in self-loathing. I work two jobs, so he has plenty of alone time, but I also realize that you can't put PTSD on a schedule.

As a result, he tries to be "present in the moment" on my days off from either job and I try to be a little less hurt when something triggers him on those days and he feels the need to step away for an hour or so.

That's one of our boundaries. I hope it helps.

HUGS
Robyn

PS Also remember, we've been dealing with undiagnosed PTSD for 20years and have only recently been learning to cope. So not all days are sunny and not all days are dark. Take joy in the sunny days, even if they are a little cloudy and not like they "used to be."

 

[txdoll38]

I think it can be very easy to fall into the habit of excusing everything in the name of PTSD. The biggest lesson I've learned since joining this forum is that I have to set boundaries and not allow myself to be emotionally abused. At first I felt guilty because I felt like I was being selfish, but what I'm seeing is that setting the boundaries not only helps me, but it also seems to benefit him. It's give and take but you really have to figure out for yourself what you can and can't tolerate.

 

[Seaside]

Boundaries ! I'm still learning where mine are . Some days I find that I can extend them further than I can on other days . I too had a time of feeling guilty , and still do sometimes about speaking up for myself and taking time when I need it .
The hardest for me personally has been to walk away when he's getting all 'wound up' and letting me have it verbally . I have found that now that I do that , I feel better because I don't wind up letting him hurt me with his words and we are able to talk more calmly at a later time at really get to what the issue was in the first place .
It doesn't always work that well , but it is getting a bit better and it takes effort from us both .

 

[Frankie]

When I met my man 2 years ago, he was really controlling his disorder remarkably well. In the 2 years I rarely saw the "down" side of his PTSD and whatever downside was minimal.

He neve shut me off and he continuously talked to me about his feelings. For him it was very important to talk to me, he used to say that it helped him. He even used to tell me that I had to speak out when I saw or heard him do or say things I didn't like.

Our relationship was based on understanding, patience, trust, respect, compassion and laughter and of course lots of love. As in all relationships these are very important and intensified when one partner has PTSD.

What is right or wrong ? Every situation is different, every couple deals with situations differently. It is up to the couple to see what works for them.

You have to recognize the triggers, you have to respect each other's needs of time-out. PTSD is not an excuse for bad, unexcusable behavior. You only can decide what is acceptable and what you cannot tolerate and let each other know.

Many ups and downs and it takes both people to make it work! My relationship didn't make it but many do !

 

[Leda]

As a sufferer I feel that it is my responsibility to ask for what I need from my family. It can be difficult at times, but it gets easier after each time i manage to do it. This has also been an important topic in my therapy. I need to have as normal a life as possible.

I´m getting better at saying: "No, can´t do that right now", "this is a difficult day" or "I need to go and lay down now".

And - my therapists door is always open for my family.

 

[jeapea]

No one I loved ever allowed me to set any personal boundaries. I wasn't allowed any as a child. As a wife. As a mother. And when I set them and enforced them, I stood alone. Now... I'm not allowed to know my new granddaughter.

 

[becvan]

No one I loved ever allowed me to set any personal boundaries. I wasn't allowed any as a child. As a wife. As a mother. And when I set them and enforced them, I stood alone.

As a child yes we can be programmed to not enforce boundaries, but the responsibility lies with you once your an adult. None of us can say that we weren't allowed to have boundaries once we are adults. That is our choice.

It's very difficult to learn what healthy boundaries are and how to enforce them. When we come from backgrounds where we weren't taught this, we do stand alone as we learn how to have and enforce them.

However, it is still our choice. If we want to have healthy boundaries, then the difficulties in standing alone comes with it.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

I agree with Bec............

 

[lost girl]

Boundaries are hard for me. I don't know exactly what mine are and it's especially hard figuring those out within a relationship with another PTSD person. I do know for me that physical violence is a boundary and thankfully one I have not had to face in my relationship. I also have a boundary against being called names or being told, "I hate you." I have heard "I hate you" from my sweetheart one time, and I had a whole series of reactions to it. It triggered my own PTSD and I got extremely scared of him for about 2 days and I wasn't normal afterwards. When he said it, he was definitely triggered. But I can neither excuse it nor reject him based on that. I do make extra allowances when I know he's triggered, and I understand I cannot have the immediate conversation I would like to have. But when he comes back to earth, I have to re-affirm my boundaries. In that case, I expressed to him how very much I could not live with a person who tells me "I hate you" EVER. I asked that he never say it again and he eventually understood how important it was to me and agreed.

I haven't heard it again. I hope I don't.