Boundaries With Family

[mikehoncho]

Hello,

My wife suffers PTSD.

We have been married for about 4 months. I have to say that we are doing very well. She is doing quite well in therapy and I've also become aware of my own needs to grow through my own therapy. Things that have lead to disaster in the past are less burdensome now.

In creating the best environment for us we have been very much keeping to ourselves. Social interactions, even with the best of people, we wish to avoid at this time. My family is of concern to me as a possible trigger to wreck the good emotional work we are doing right now. My family is:

1. A trigger for her.
2. A conundrum to me.

I'm not sure how to feel with my family at the moment. I have a dad who is quick to criticize and prone to verbal flare ups. My Step-Mother shows blatant favoritism towards her own children yet likes to show an impression of a wholesome loving mother to all of us.

Standing up to any wrongs, no matter what they are, is a concept completely foreign to me. I'm of a personality that goes with the flow.

However, it's clear to me that, to be a good husband, I need to get to the bottom of my issues with family. I love my family and see the good in them despite what I've just mentioned. However, I don't know what's right/wrong, up/down, left/right. I will not be the husband that I want to be if I just go with the flow. It's an impossibility. Something needs to change.

For me to get to the bottom of these things I need to be away from my family. In doing so I'm worried about what they will think. Will they blame my wife? That's not fair to her.

Therefore, I think I need to find a way to explain to them something. I'm not sure what. I'm not sure if I should say:

• I need time to myself. Just trust me.
• I need to figure some things out with my life.
• This has nothing to do with my wife. This is something I need.

Or should I get angry? I think not as it will be worse for myself and my wife.

I'm not sure if there is anyone out there who has had a similar issues; a family that carries a blend of dysfunction as well as some goodness that I do not wish to overlook.

Any thoughts would be very much appreciated. Thank you. Mike

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that most dysfunctional families have good along with the bad. It is very much human nature to disregard any bad if there is even the tiniest bit of good in a situation. People have a very black and white view of "bad" and if there is even a tiny bit of good, the bad gets minimized. I can't help but think that is part of your struggle, that because there is some good in your family, that you don't want to make waves or even stand up for yourself. Assert yourself to your family, and then stick by your no contact boundaries. My impression of someone who always goes along with the flow is that they are a bit of a doormat. Everyone needs to stand up for themselves at some point.

 

[anek]

You really already laid it out perfectly. Your bullet points are exactly what you should say. And by the way, your situation is extremely common (unfortunately), I cannot overstate that fact. The "good" aspects of your family actually become part of the oppressiveness, a tool that keeps you feeling scared and guilty about essentially being a human being aka laying down boundaries. Keeps the excuses going because a person can always say "but my parents are sometimes good with x,y,z." And that's the problem with toxic families. You are not supposed to feel scared or guilty or even confused, yet due to a complex history of their behavior, you are put into this unfair, unhealthy position, and the only way out to do exactly what you laid out in bullet points. It can take 60 seconds. You don't own them an explanation. Healthy families don't need you to be pulled and tugged and dragged around and made to feel guilty and overwhelmed. Toxic families do. Pay attention to how your family responds when you and pay attention to if/when the violate those boundaries. Most importantly STICK to them 100000%.

 

[mikehoncho]

Thanks to both of you. it will take a lot of courage to do this. It will definitely be like something i've never done before.

But my wife is worth it. Thanks again!