Boundaries

[Freedomfighter]

I think most of us struggle with boundaries ...in therapy or daily life. What area do you find is the...

That's a tough one because a lot of us have PTSD because boudaries were non existent, whether that is in war situations, domestic violence situations, assault

I have PTSD because my boundaries were not respected.

 

[ladee]

@Abstract , you are right on track. This is how we learn to be more flexible. When we start at zero , we end up finding what works for us. From having none to having too many. And like you, I can shut someone out completely.
I feel your awareness will really help you find your balance. In some things I am more flexible than others. I also feel some of it changes with age.
It seems so confusing when we didn't even know it was ok to tell someone "no". And very anxiety inducing at first. But I tried to tell myself this is my journey. What would work for me may not work for someone else.
I hope you honor your awareness and let it help guide you. Gentle hugs for this confusing time,if you accept.

 

[mamachick]

Allowing repeated unacceptable behavior from close family, and after repeat...repeat....repeat...allowing it from others and eventually just isolating to avoid it. I know...shame on me!

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm scared that in setting and holding my own boundaries, I'll inadvertently overstep someone else's boundaries, especially if I'm trying to "be myself."

For the longest time since starting recovery, I thought boundaries were defined by objective standards of "right" and "wrong", and I was having the darnedest time trying to figure out all the "rules" for exactly what healthy boundaries should look like. But I've recently started to realize that boundaries are a personal and subjective thing...that there are healthy and unhealthy versions of boundaries, but there's a whole slew of variety within each group.

So it's okay and good to have boundaries that don't look just like someone else's boundaries. But that also means that boundaries sometimes overlap...the other person's boundaries might stick way out, and it's easy to overstep them, or the other person's boundaries might be very narrow, and you almost can't find them unless you get really close to the person.

So relationships are a process of discovering and maneuvering around each person's respective boundaries, and that's okay. That also helps determine who we get along with well, and who is not a good fit for us. By holding healthy boundaries for ourselves, we can eliminate unhealthy potential relationships before they really even get started.

It's also been tough to realize just how warped and twisted the boundaries and expectations were in my family of origin. It's like I've had to discard everything I thought I knew about relationships, and start over. The stupid-level questions I've had to ask my T about how relationships work... "You mean when someone is being nice to me that means they actually like me?? Are you sure?"... "So trying to read someone's mind in order to determine what they want from me is not love?"... "So when someone is sad, you're saying it's okay for them to feel that sadness themselves? I don't have to feel it for them?? I'm not sure if I believe you!"