Brain Suffering

[Mary]

So, today my boss told me I was "wasting time". He often tells me this when I am working on something and he can hear me on the phone/see me doing things, and it is usually triggered by me needing some answer from him. I have been working on this project for a couple of hours when he snapped at me. Then he gave me a solution in his firm "directive" voice that means I can't question him and should not ask him any silly questions. He often undermines me/my process like this, putting down what I do as unimportant and easy. It is demoralizing and I have to fight the desire to just give up working on whatever I am working on that he is telling me I am wrong. So, I did what he said and solicited a quote from the vendor he ordered me to get something from. Not only do they not have that specific item, but they do not carry that general category of item. So, then I am trapped in a place where I am "wasting time" but his solution is bumping up against challenges (because, it turns out, he also does not magically know the right answers to everything). I froze up with anxiety about being unable to act in a way that follows all of his rules. Then my brain started flooding with adrenaline. This has been going on now for about 2 hours. I need to take care of it before I get stuck, but I also am under a lot of pressure with a deadline for my second job tonight and wanting to put in more time to catch up with things I am behind on here.

I am pretty sad about feeling this stress in my brain. It really takes over functioning. I am struggling to maintain my self-esteem right now in the midst of managing the unpleasant physical phenomenon and have deadlines looming all around. It is getting worse. I am terrified of getting stuck in PTSD mode again.

This is hard.

 

[arfie]

Yes, it is hard. "Work" is a four-letter word that ends in a hard sound. Especially when you are working two jobs!

Hope the venting helped, Mary. Sometimes just putting it into words helps.

Healing wishes coming your way. Wish I had more to offer.

 

[Mary]

I had a bad night in the end. I called a friend who helped me distract my brain out of fight or flight. I was exhausted. It was hard to drag myself into work the next day.

Very early on, my boss called me into his office. He told me why he was frustrated with me. He told me why he was frustrated with the situation. Then he said, "I'm frustrated. I'm sorry." He didn't name what he was sorry for, but his tone said that the apology for his part in this situation was heartfelt. It was something. And he said he would help me do one thing faster that he has experience with (I have no experience with it) so we could get it out of the way quickly. Then he came through with the help.

I have been ok since. It was alarming to go through that experience of terror/panic again. I hate it. But, here I am.