Relationship Brand New To This And Really Scared

[KristinEllis]

Maybe I am over reacting.

Ok I met him in Sept, we started getting close in October and pretty much talked and were together constantly since.

When we first met we talked alot about our "personal characteristics". He had two jobs and worked close to 80 hours a week. He was very busy but he wanted to make sure we talked. He told me text him whenever I want. He will respond when he can....and he did. There were a few times when he didn't for days. I always just figured it was work but I got to see him all weekend so I always had that I'll feel better when I see him. When he would see me I would see him relax a little....he'd ask how my day, week was, etc and I too. He'd always have something going on....but as the first night together went on he lightened...laughed etc. I would ask him on occasion if my texting was annoying him and he'd say nooo text whenever you want. Its not that I don't want to I just can't respond. He would tell me he'd never lie or get angry with me which in those months he didn't and he always responded at some point or we'd be together. And not responding didn't mean anything, like we'd have plans and he wouldn't respond as i was driving over.

He moved two weeks ago to be closer to his 3 year old daughter. He expressed some fears of her mom making him fall back into drinking. He usually would have 1 or 2 beers but apparently after he came back from his first deployment he kind of disappeared for months from his "personal life". He drank constantly, got in a lot of fights, etc. He had a girlfriend at the time and never reached out to her...then popped back into her life. They tried to make it work but it didn't. After her he got together with his baby's mom. He was deployed again and while he was in Iraq found out she was pregnant. When he came home for good she was 1. He went to see his daughter and found pictures of her with some strange man. Apparently the mom was cheating on him the whole time, even said she wasn't sure he was the father. He got her DNA tested and she was. There was a lot of fighting, serious threats and he took off.

so now he's back up north. He's been over the last two weekends. We talked each day sometimes a couple times, text a little bit. Thurs and friday last week he never responded and i got a little nervous but then saturday am, while he was driving to see his daughter for gymnastic. they live about 2 hours apart....but its best so he's not close enough to the mom to really deal with the issues. they're always around one of their sets of parents. We talked saturday morning. It started with how was your day, etc. He said he's bored, no job yet, he's just sitting around the house and he didn't feel like talking to anyone. I told him that's when its important to talk to me. he mumbled said he knew but it just happens sometimes. He likes being alone sometimes, etc. Then the conversation changed. We talked about my car, travel, the job he's waiting to hear about, etc. We were discussing which airports were close for me to fly into and the name of the borough he was in. Everything was fine. His phone beeped, he said i have a call coming in i will call you back.

I didn't really expect him to because I figured it was his baby's mom. Once there its daddy daughter time so I don't text or call. I tried him about when he should be driving home....no answer. Then sunday early because they decided sundays she'll bring the baby to him. No answer....Now its Friday and he hasn't responded to a call or text.

Because the relationship is relatively new I have not created any kind of bond with his family. He doesn't have FB so I can't even see if there's activity there. I have friend requested his mom and brother....this am his mom's FB page no longer exists. I know she's on LinkedIn too.

I am worried. He always said i was like his bright spot. Now we don't see each other....he's not picking up or responding. I am afraid he's slipping away and there's nothing I can do.

I try and call and text. My texts mostly say I am here for you no matter what no matter when. Just call me. Let me know you're ok. Sometimes I just update him on my day....or I send him ecards. I say good night, send hugs and kisses.

When we discussed personal characteristics I told him I will keep texting him or calling until he tells me to stop. One of my texts i did say if he wants me to stop he needs to tell me now. No response. I don't even know that his ringer is on because when i call it rings 5-6 times.

I don't know what to do. I promised i would always be there for him so I don't want to stop reaching out to him. I want to message his brother but I don't want to piss him off or push him away.

Then there's....he always said if he wanted me to quit he'd tell me but without talking to him, with him not answering a voice has crept in saying maybe he's blowing you off? We really had started building from friends and moved into....something more and even the last conversation doesn't really make me believe that, you know imaginations can run wild.

I'm sick to my stomach with worry. I have said I am worried a few times but I don't want to make him feel like I am pushing or trying to make him feel guilty.

Do I keep sending these messages just letting him know I'm here? Do I message his brother? I think maybe I went over board because I called or text multiple tiems a day...but i always have. He would just respond when he got a break so it didn't feel out of place. but we're on day six....confession I hate being so out of control but I will do anything to bring him back.

Help please.

 

[Dallas]

so now he's back up north.

He left two steady jobs (80 hrs/wk) to go somewhere to be unemployed? :wideeyed: Who does that in these tough economic times? Who is paying his bills??? :shifty:

No answer....Now its Friday and he hasn't responded to a call or text.

Just because they have PTSD, doesn't mean they forgot how to use a phone. :shifty:

Now we don't see each other....he's not picking up or responding.

I try and call and text. My texts mostly say I am here for you no matter what no matter when. Just call me. Let me know you're ok. Sometimes I just update him on my day....or I send him ecards. I say good night, send hugs and kisses.

:stop: Don't keep sending out unreciprocated messages.

I'm sick to my stomach with worry.

:stop: Listen to your gut instincts. This is God's way of telling you something is VERY wrong.

Do I keep sending these messages just letting him know I'm here?

:banghead: NO!!!!! He knows where you are.

I will do anything to bring him back.

NO!!! Do not lower yourself or lose you dignity or self-respect. You are throwing your pearls before sw___. You are a precious gift in God's eyes. Let him think about that for awhile. I would give him a BIG time out, several months or more. Meanwhile, focus on your own fantastic life God gave you....find someone who loves you and cherishes you the same way God loves you.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[safenow]

I agree with everything Dallas told you.

 

[KristinEllis]

thanks. I appreciate your response. I am going to have to let you know that the religious overtones turn me off. I am agnostic so to me there is no gods plan, etc. sorry if that offends you.

I came here for help not to have either of us judged....if he's suffering I can't write him off. and if you read the whole thing...He told me to stay in touch to text if he didn't respond. It wasn't that he didn't want to he can't. Now Im worried the reason he can't is mental health and I'm being lashed out at like some school girl with a crush that dumped her.

He left here to be closer to his 3 year old daughter. He's been up there two weeks. Until he gets a job he's staying with his mom. He doesn't have any bills to speak of....never uses credit cards, etc. He has money saved to pay for food and gas to drive to his daughters. When we spoke on Saturday he was waiting to hear from a job that was running a background check.

and my gut says its not me. I don't feel like I am lowering myself or anything.

 

[safenow]

HI Kristin,

Your beliefs do not offend. Not to worry. I'm glad he is putting effort into his relationship with his daughter. That speaks highly of him. No one is judging you. Many of us have either loved someone with ptsd, or have it ourselves.

The reason for the responses you got is the way you worded it in your introduction. Most people with an exacerbation of PTSD will tell you to text, but then won't respond for a long period of time if at all. Yes, it is sort of a mental issue. But the thing is, a person who is a supporter needs to take good care of them selves. It is very degrading to your self esteem when you feel abandoned. Just because a person has PTSD is not an excuse to be rude to others, and not letting people know you are alive when you know they care about you is rude.

I hope this makes sense to you. You are right, in the fact that it is not you.

There is an entire section here for supporters. You will find lots of wonderful people there who are going through the same things you are experiencing.

Be well. And welcome to the PTSD Forum. You will find lots of good information here.

 

[KristinEllis]

Thanks for clarifying. I felt so hurt by that and I'm already ... vulnerable enough.

I honestly don't even know if he's paying attention to his phone. He's done that before. But I know he has to call his daughter and talk to her mom, and watching his phone for the job to call.

I don't even feel abandoned so much as I am worried for him. I also know that it doesn't take much to send a quick text that says...ok or don't feel like talking but he just told me he was in that place when we spoke on Saturday.

And I do know he "knows where I am", without the full history. When we started to get to know each other he told me he was like a gnat with ADD. He may see a text or call and then get distracted and forget so never feel like he's ignoring me. So its always been like this to some degree.

I will check that other section out. I'm just worried and don't deal well with being helpless when it comes to people i care about...i wouldn't feel as helpless if i lived closer. I'd be there and he's been grateful for it. And i guess since its such a new experience for me its been hard to focus on me but as the days go by I will. I know I won't write him off but I'll be able to focus on me again.

 

[Bilby]

Hi Kristin,

I just wanted to say that I've been around this forum for a little while now and I know that both Dallas, and Safenow, are good and kind people and whilst they are both religious, they are just trying to be helpful :) Their words come from a kind place.

I can hear that you are worried. It is difficult to know what to do in this situation if he has told you that it is ok to text. It is very very common for sufferers of PTSD to isolate themselves - they need their 'own' time.

That said, there could be any other number of reasons for why you haven't heard from him either. Perhaps his phone isn't working, perhaps something has happened with his ex-partner and his daughter... who knows.

I read on the forum once about how a supporter texted her sufferer about something light-hearted - nothing that applied any 'pressure' (as our support can sometimes be seen as, when for us, we are simply concerned) but something totally unrelated. I think the example provided was something like "OMG! I've just seen the world's biggest spider, scared the damned life out of me!!" - that message was actually responded to, whereas other ones, which offered support, were.

I'm not sure what else to suggest, but please know that I'm certainly not judging you, or your partner for your actions. This forum is for support and information and I hope that you are able to find both of those here :)

B x

 

[WillyKat]

You know, I spent a lot of my life, many, many years, obsessing about a woman that...well, just wasn't there. I don't have any magic spell that you can use to be done with it.

I'll just say what eventually worked, sort of, for me: she gave a lot of mixed signals, warm and cudly some times and other times cold as ice. I finally realized (though I'm not certain) that she may have DID and that one of her alters was warm and cudly, but most of all manipulative. That alter was so much like the guy that abused me: seemed completely honest, trustworthy, loving, caring. But it was all a lie. After I realized that, freeing myself from the obsession started getting easier.

I now see her as a combination of someone that suffers from her own problems, but also as someone that is potentially evil, and maybe beyond reach.

Like I said, I'm over *most* of the obsession, but its a long road.

 

[KristinEllis]

Thank you Bilby. I have tried that unrelated thing too. and thank you for understanding the part about his telling me to keep contacting him even though it was before. I wouldn't do it otherwise. It was reiterated throughout the relationship.

I don't know if it was even his way of preparing me? Like I think the comment on Saturday about not wanting to talk to anyone lately was warning me he might be sliding....

I thought about the other reasons too. but I feel like those are excuses. My close friend said maybe he's in jail or something? I don't believe he is...his phone isn't dead and he's really a good person. He tries to follow the rules. I know he had some rough times when he came back from his first deployment and he wasn't quite so upstanding but he's grown up and pretty much a good citizen. He wants to be a good role model for his daughter. the only one that does worry me is something happening with his daughters mother. It was always a very volatile relationship and she was a driving force in it. they were getting along generally but even since that started she got under his skin. they would have very explosive fights.

I am going to cut the frequency of how much I try to reach him but won't cut it out completely. I haven't taken it personally for the most part I mean sometimes the scared little girl can't help it but I just know nothing had changed or happened since saturday s

 

[Abstract]

Kristin,
Personally if it was me, and from what you have said, I would contact his brother just to put my mind at rest. If his brother says he is OK then I would probably send a message via his brother (I hope all is well. Contact me when you are ready). and stop texting. Regardless of your previous agreement or the when or why when it comes to texting it would be damaging for me to continue indefinitely if I was in your position.

I am ashamed to say it but sometimes I just cannot answer people at all. For literal months. I care a lot but a wall comes down. I hate that I am worrying them.

I understand your concern about what has happened and think its normal and human. I also think you need to take care of yourself and if he is just not able to respond you might need to find a way to take care of yourself. Sadly the rest is up to him. If it there are other reasons for him not responding then there is nothing you can do about that either sadly.

Sending you support as I can hear you are very upset by this all.

 

[KristinEllis]

I don't really have a relationship with his brother so I don't want to freak him out by going that route.

Don't be ashamed. Please don't. I know he cares and I really know he's not doing it to hurt me. And I know when he can he'll be back. I am really scared and worried.

and I REALLY appreciate your input and support.

 

[HOME ALONE]

Sometimes someone is using every ounce of their energy to hold on to themselves, nevermind attempting to articulate themselves in the way they would like to be able to relate to you.

I actually have a very difficult time with that conundrum myself right now. I am in crisis yes, but I am trying to, what I call "PAIN SURF", my mindset. Don't feel dismissed, simply carry on with your life. He is living his somewhere so don't put your world on pause Keep going forward in directions you can control. The best thing you can do for him in the long run is to stay healthy ;)

I will not answer my phone at all right now because I don't want to communicate when I know I am fettered like this. I misinterpret things because my vision is skewed so they really wouldn't be talking to the real me. At times like this I feel like the healthy me is looking down at the affected me, pitiously trying to get my point across so I don't bother anymore. I am ok eventually