Breaking Down, And I Can't I Have Kids So It's Not An Option

[Shellbell]

This last week has been so hard. And I'm breaking down and it's scares me as I have kids and no family to look after them if I fall apart, so it's not an option.

Coming to realise in therapy over the last few weeks just how much pyschological damage was caused by my parents is so hard. Basically having to stop being in denial and accepting my father was in a paedophile ring severley sickens me, mainly due to how he may have affected my sisters.

Accepting my mothers part in this, how she must have known, her enabling, her lack of caring what happened to us. Devastating. I love my mother, but this is too much to bear.

And I haven't even started talking about all my other abuse - 3 years of child sexual abuse from a neighbour, 4 year total captivity situation - being raped, badly physically abused and psychologically tortured daily. And then the added abuse of being attacked in a park at knife point and a domestic violence marriage.

I'm not going to cope and I know I'm heading to some kind of breakdown. I'm not strong enough. It's way too much. The PTSD is getting worse as well.

Plus I have financial problems and issues with trying to get Centrelink to accept my disabaility claim and the guilt and shame of not being able to work and not having enough money.

And my guilt over my kids having me as their mother, who can't cope.

Maybe they are better off without me after all.

I'm seeing my doc and therapist today and I'm scared if I tell them how I'm really feeling, they'll want lock me up in some hospital.

And there's no-one to have my kids, so it's not an option. I'm so scared.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Shellbell))) My heart aches for you. Can you call child protective services to come and take your kids and put them in a foster home until you get stabalized. Mabe they will keep them together. You need to get alot of help.

Taking it into therapy, mabe they will come up with something better. They are there to help you. If you go to the hospital you will need your kids safe and well taken care of. I know this is a impossible choice but you need to look after the welfare of your kids first. Then have your breakdown. Becasue if you do nothing then things will be very different for you and your kids.

I wish I could give you some hope and real help. I am so sorry you are so alone and going through this. I do not know where you live. If you lived in the states you could call even the police for help with your kids. You have to take care of them. I wish I had some real help for you.

I am so sorry your situation is so bleak. You are in my prayers if that is ok. I really hope a good solution comes about for you. Great big bear hugs. I feel so powerless and helpless. My heart just aches for you and your family. You will get through this somehow.

 

[discarded]

(((Shellbell))) I know this seems like an impossible situation to you but there will be solutions, you are just not in the right frame of mind to see them. Write down what is most important to you for your kids, that might be keeping them together to support each other (I don't know how old they are), having them in a safe environment, putting them with strangers may not ease your mind on that one. Take the list with you to your therapist and doctor, make sure they know you need help on this one.

As for financial struggles, I am the supporter (who sufferers depression) who decided to leave to give my sufferer space, putting myself into a difficult financial situation. That is difficult enough without the added of what you are going through. Centrelink are not the easiest entity to deal with. Have you asked to speak to a social worker there? I know how much guilt you must be feeling about it all. The worst day of my life was walking in to Centrelink for help, but that is what they are supposedly there for and you definitely ned their help. DON"T FEEL GUILTY or allow them to make you feel guilty.

Hang in there, you are dealing with so much. Try to breakdown into things to deal with one step at a time. Easier said than done I know and I don't mean to trivialise things. You need help and you will be of no help to your beautiful kids if you don't take care of yourself.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Shellbell- I'm sorry you are going through this. Your childhood has been horribly horribly traumatizing and it's not your fault it is hard for you to cope now. Look at everything you survived. It is a testament to your strength that you could survive the abuse you did and come out alive.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but maybe if your doctor recommends it, going to a psych hospital for a stay might be helpful for you. You have a lot on your plate right now with financial stress, dealing with childhood trauma and guilt over not being there enough for your children. I think gizmos idea about asking child protective services for help is a good idea, I think your therapist and doctor could also help with that. Don't be ashamed to ask for help, you don't have to do it all alone.

I hope things will get better for you.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you so much for your messages and support.

I do have a husband, I should have said that. He is in the police academy and graduates next week and has strictly no leave entitlement for 3 months. If he had to take leave, it would really mess up his police situation up and I don't want to cause any problems there as his work is our only income. So our kids wouldn't need to go into care, but it would end his police career and his job and I don't want to be responsible and have all the guilt for that. He doesn't know how bad I feel, I don't tell him. He's not emotionally supportive.

Thank you Gizmo for offering to help if I lived near you, you are so sweet.

I have survived a lot and everyone thinks I'm so strong. But I know I'm not. Not really. I can only deal with my past by ignoring it and being in denial about how bad it was and minimising it, as I did for 20 years until the PTSD and depression hit hard this year. Dealing with my past is too much.

And I have children to live for. I know I need to think of them and not be selfish.

I know I have to tell my doc all this later this morning, but I'm really scared what she will think and I don't want to end up in hospital and the fall out that will cause. Maybe I just need stronger medication to cope better.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Shellbell))) I am glad you are taking this into therapy. Mabe you can arrange day care if you have to go into the hospital. You are brave and full of courage. I used to think that one felt brave and full of courage. Imagine my shock when I found out it was being scared and yet going forward anyway. You will find a way and make it. It will be ok.

I understand about your husband and his new career. You guys will figure out something. Mabe even a nanny. Big hugs.

 

[Whitneys story]

Shellbell, You have done an excellent job of reaching out. No one should have to experience this alone. The forum and members are here 24/7. The hardest part is not having support. Do you have any friends that you trust?

Remember it takes time and you deserve so much more. Hoping for a super outcome of your visit with the doc! Whitney

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you for your messages. I really appreciate the support.

Just being completely honest with my doc will be so hard. I go to therapy often saying the things I think they want to hear - how strong I am, how I'm coping okay. I know I have to be really honest now.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are normal for what you are going through. You are not feeling good at all. You need help and support as soon as possible. It is time to be honest so you can get the help and support you need so desperately. Mabe you are hitting bottom where the pain is bigger to motivate you to ask for help.

You are very normal for what you are going through. I understand having hit bottom myself. There is only up from there. Big hugs.

 

[intothelight]

(((Shellbell)))

Telling your T the truth is the best course of action. They may have some suggestions for coping that will enable you to deal with things better.

Is your husband gone during this training? If so, he will be back in a week?

I don't know if there is anything you can ease up on to allow for some self-care. Sometimes when things are really rough, making time for yourself becomes critical.

Hope that you find some peace.

Deb

 

[JustBe]

(((((shellbell)))) :(

We are listening. We are here with you.

 

[Shellbell]

I threw up, so maybe my stomach will settle a bit now. I'm going now to my doc appt.

Thank you so much for all your support and hugs. It has really helped this morning.