Breaking Down, And I Can't I Have Kids So It's Not An Option

[TeaLeaf]

I understand about not being able to get the help you need from your husband, my husband can only take so much as well so I get support elsewhere.

Good luck at the appointment. You are strong for what you have survived but you don't have to be strong every single minute, its ok to ask for help. Ignoring, minimizing and being in denial were coping mechanisms I used for years to deal will my horrible childhood. At various points, the pain and terror just wanted to get out and couldn't deal with it on my own. I agree with what Gizmo said in terms of hitting rock bottom and only having up to go from there.

 

[Shellbell]

Back from seeing my doc. It was so hard. Told her how bad things are. She asked a lot of questions to find out if I am suicidal, which I'm not - I'm not planning anything, I just can't cope and feel so guilty about everything. I told her I'm not eating much - which is bad considering I'm on Mirtazapine which makes you very hungry and eat. I told her I'm swinging between numbness and high anxiety this week.

She's helping me with my application for disability, and thinks we can get that sorted out, as I definitely cannot work. She said I can apply for sickness benefit, until they agree to disability.

She phoned my therapist and talked with her about where my therapy needs to go at the moment, as I'm not coping with the stuff about my parents. She said although it doesn't on paper look like the worst trauma, it is in a sense - as it's my parents and they failed so badly and caused so much damage psychologically, which then lead to all the other stuff happening.

She doesn't want to give me anti-anxiety drugs - as these will make me not function and not be able to drive, which will make things worse as I won't be able to get my children to school and day care. Plus they are highly addictive. So she's given me Seroquel to trial and see if that helps calm me enough on the days I'm not coping. And I need to phone her if I feel worse again.

So back to see my therapist tonight and she will have more coping strategies to get me through this.

I'm feeling a bit calmer now and it helps when my doc and therapist validate just how bad the trauma's are and that I am doing okay considering it all. It makes me feel less pathetic.

A huge thank you to everyone who listened and were so supportive and encouraging. It means so much to me.

 

[discarded]

Well done Shellbell, so proud of you for being honest and getting some help. That alone must take a huge load off of you. Please don't ever think you are pathetic, you may think you are not a strong person but just to have survived all that you have is amazing and the sign of an incredibly brave person. Keep on asking for help and follow through with the doctor as asked if the medications aren't working or causing you problems. Don't ever feel that you are a pest to them, you need help and they are there to provide it.

hang in there, things will get better because you decided you want them to and reached out.

((((((hugs))))))

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you discarded. A huge hug back to you too for being so kind (((((discarded))))).

I do want things to get better. It is good sign when we can reach out and ask for help. Being honest is so hard, but I know it's very necessary.

And I am very lucky that I have a doc and T who are amazing, and a really good friend who understands and is so supportive, and support from the amazing people on this Forum and Church friends who help with practical things.

I need to keep remembering how lucky I am. Some people don't have this support.

 

[Shellbell]

Well I had my therapy session this evening and my T was so supportive. She said we need to stop what we were doing for a while and just do self care and give me time to deal with what I know now about the abuse from my parents. She agreed with my doc that coming to terms with that is a process and it will take time.

She said she could see I was dissociating in therapy and used the grounding techniques and guided me through that again. She said the numbness I've been feeling is dissociation as well and that's why I'm swinging back and fore between numbness and high anxiety.

So this next week I have to do lots of self care and do nothing that involves anxiety unless absolutely necessary.

And take the seroquel tomorrow night and see how that feels on Saturday. I hope it works.

 

[discarded]

Yay!!! You have a plan. Hope it all works well for you.

 

[maddog]

Shellbell, you are never, ever alone. You have climbed a huge mountain of confrontation today, requiring courage, and honesty, and strength, and rationality, and wisdom, and kindness. Thankfully, you have plenty of all of the above - if you didn't, not only would you not be alive and the proud mother to your children, but you would never have reached out for and found the support, both professional and personal, that you have, and which will help to keep you strong through all of this.

Each tiny step along the way is a step in the right direction. It's ok to be weak sometimes, to acknowledge that it hurts badly and feels too much. I think this is as important a part of the journey as any other. So let those around you take the load where they can, and help you in whatever way they know how. Survival is a team sport, and yours are here to fight for and with you.

Sending courage and hugs, and a promise that you are never alone.

Maddog

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Maddog, I really appreciate that. And I know I'm not alone, I do have people around me who care and I am so thankful for that. And I care about those around me too and I'm always there for them.

I think weakness is something I struggle with so much. I think I can be strong all the time. Anything other than self-reliance scares me. But I can't be strong all the time and I have to accept that. And be okay with that.

It's all a huge learning process on this journey.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I'm so glad that you have a plan in place to take care of yourself. It is hard to be dependant on others especially when your used to taking care of yourself for your whole life. I know that because of the family dynamics that existed for me I've found it very difficult to show any form of weakness or dependancy to others. Now that I am dependant (on my therapist and partner) I sometimes fell uncomfortable in my own skin. It is a huge learning process and it sounds like your doing all the right things. Sending you a virtual hug :hug:

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you quaintpapercut for the hug, and one back for you :hug:

Showing weakness is a hard one for many of us.

Took my first Seroquel last night and this morning I feel weird, and spaced out. Struggling to type this. Hope it improves over the next couple of hours.

 

[Britt.f7]

Hi. One thing my therapist tells me and I think would be good for you too, is that you are strong. Look how far you made it. You may have been in denial for years or disassociate, but that is what you had to do to survive. You are strong or you wouldn't be where you now are. Reaching out, Showing your emotions, feeling them, traveling through them, is not a weakness. It is a strength. Remember that.

As far as what your children are witnessing, I worried that my years of depression and my physical disability would horribly effect my children. I still have that concern, but, from what I have witnessed it has actually helped them become more compassionate and attuned to others. It doesn't stop me from feeling as if I am "bad" for them, but I am coming around.

I, too, am on Seroquel. I find I sleep more then 12 hours when I do sleep. I hate that. I used to be an early riser.

I wish you healing.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Britt.f7, and yes I should look at how far I've come. I (like many of us here) have survived incredible amounts of horrific abuse and I know I am strong to survive all that.

It's hard though because I can repeatedly tell myself that and hear that from my T and doc and I know it in my head, but in my heart I still feel weak and pathetic.

I think the deep rooted belief systems 3 decades of abuse brings are so hard to shake off. Due to my parents psychological abuse - my belief system is that I am weak, trouble, a burden and that I deserve what I got. Having had this belief system validated then by further periods of severe abuse from several people - who told me I deserved it and didn't deserve any better, just makes those ingrained beliefs more deep rooted.

My feelings of shame and guilt are so deeply entrenched, I quickly go to those emotions, like now with having to apply for disability pension support as I can't work. I feel deeply ashamed of having to ask and fight for that - I want to be able to work, earn good money like I have for the last 20 years. So I feel guilty my husband has to be the only income provider and ashamed of my need for financial assistance.

And as soon as I start feeling the emotions of shame and guilt, so many other emotions are triggered as well, and the depression hits hard, flooring me.

I'm sure many people can relate to this. Especially those with abusive parents who cause incredible damage psychologically.