Breaking the Cycle of Violence- I Don't Believe it's Possible

[becvan]

Yes you count V! Just need to know it's more than just you and not some freak golden horseshoe up your butt! :)

Hmm.. you mean I actually have to date? Damn.. *yes I am a smart ass*

Wiping the dung off is definitely the easy part. Seen the social worker today and we talked about this. He suggested a book for me to read on self-esteem, since I have none. I guess this is just another part to learn and more to heal for me.

Damn this is a touchy subject for me ya know? It just throws my world for a loop thinking about it. I know I'm not making much sense.. I can't seem to make myself make sense today.

bec

 

[vera]

hi bec... i'm currently asking myself the same question.

you know, what gets me involved with "that kind of guy" is that, whenever someone calm comes along and treats me nicely, no matter how interesting he his, i end up thinking he's boring and an idiot and sort of despising him for being so nice to me (¿? WTF! i've just realized how f***ed up that sounds)

i'm on a little experiment now. guess it could be called "taking interest in the kind of guy i would never instinctively fall in love with" and looking to see what makes them cool. ok maybe they're not the kind of lame-childhood angsty tortured genius i'm used to, but what else is there in them?

it doesn't mean that when i like one i will go on and start something serious with him... still feel it could be dangerous for me to go on without some more "me" months. but i believe it's all about re-programming yourself.

i'll keep you posted... would be a pleasure to read you doing the same.

hugs,
Vera

 

[becvan]

Vera, you got a deal!

I like the re-programming part. I think that is what it is too. Ryan told me I've been brainwashed! lol.. so there is definitely something to it when others see it in how you act and think.

bec

 

[pandora]

Hi Bec......

I can only say with the brief experience i have had in my new relationship (so far so good) that not all men are evil, like i thought and expected. i really think we have broken the cycle by recognizing that what we have been through is NOT normal, we also are doing the best we can as single mothers with children. Please give yourself a break and like we all say here.......baby steps. You are doing a great job with the resources you have...I'd say. Take Care!

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Bec,
I think it's possible because I've done it. I grew up watching my father abuse his wives, including my mother. I'm very lucky he didn't abuse me. There was a lot of dysfunction and neglect to cause low self-esteem for me though.

My first relationship was with an abusive man and when I left him I knew I would never be hit again. No man has ever hit me since and that was 18 years ago.

The next guy I was engaged to cheated on me all of the time, but didn't hit me so I felt that was an improvement and I was 'there'. Eventually, I realized that it wasn't good enough and took a long break.

I met my future husband 8 years ago and he is great. He doesn't yell, hit, cheat, do drugs or insult me. I'm the one who yells, and tends to insult and pick fights when it's that time of the month, but don't hit, cheat or do drugs.

I honestly don't know how he could love and accept me the way he does. He sees my other personalities (the ugly ones) and has learned to help me calm down. I feel bad because I personally would not put up with another person who acted like I do, and had all of these problems. Not because I don't have compassion, but because I would be in real bad shape and be a co-dependant.

I hope you can find the right person. I think if you use the tools you find here and in other positive places it can happen. Also, I think it has to do with the people we hang out with.

Take care
Tammy

 

[mouse]

Bec,
I haven't got the right things to say but I know how you feel as I am starting to re-experience that cycle, but this isnt about me, I just hope that you havent lost all hope, cause I think in my opinion thats all we have sometimes. But I hope for you and your family that you can break that cycle it gives me hope sometimes I tend to put people on pedestals and I think that if they can then I can.

"hugs" from me know I am here to offer support to you.

Amber

 

[Cole]

Bec
I have to give my two cents on this one too. As you may or may not remember my first husband was abusive. I don't know the right answer to your question but I have found a healthy relationship. For me it took alot of time on my own to find out what I was all about (what I liked and what I needed or didn't need in my life). I think you're right about the whole self-esteem thing; that was a big one for me. You'll get there eventually too. I don't know when but you will. Hang tough
Cole