What first I denied and then later kind of freaked me out a little was literally feeling "inner" children. I know it can fall under either derealization or depersonalization - I can't remember which - but I always try and understand my reality, whatever anyone else wants to call it - what is my system, my body/mind/spirit trying to tell me?
The first time I consciously remember being stopped in my tracks with this was taking a shower once in my 30's and though I am 5'-7", suddenly I was 3'-4". I literally was seeing from that height, at the same time the rest of me - the extra 2'-3" was obviously still there above, but faint. If it were drawn, you would see the outline of me with the little girl filled in, and the 30 something me above that height very faint. It only lasted a few seconds and then it was gone. So bizarre. Of course I dismissed it, but it happened more as time went by.
I woke up from naps and would again feel shorter heights when I stood - solid inside and seeing from that height before they dissolved and the me above filled in.
When I got off meds completely two years almost ago - OMG! There was no stopping the feeling of different sizes. Primarily waking and my left hand feeling tiny and my right adult size, one leg shorter than the other. Other stuff like this. Really discombobulating.
In my life, I always felt separate from the me's I had been - mostly from 2-24. The me's between 2 and 24 felt separate from each other too. I would look at pics of me and see me as her or that little or young girl.
Discontinuity of self. Every times trauma peaked and it was intolerable to continue as me with that trauma - knowing I would sustain more - I split off.
Not in multiples though. They are all me and look like me - just younger.
My only black outs were under tremendous stress and when severely sleep deprived. And I didn't act with another personality.
Anyway, so when I got off meds and daily felt these other me's who I could feel as they were at that age especially while listening to the music they loved or doing stuff they loved, I read about soul integration and the idea of selves splitting. They are there or out there, but they had to leave so that the chronological me could go on, could survive mentally intact.
I wrote letters to some of them. They felt so close yet not exactly within. I missed them and felt compassion for what they went thru. I created a safe place where we could all hang out and talk and do what we wanted. Meditation was vital to this. There were 13 plus two protectors that really never said anything but watched over the two littlest.
This is getting too long so I will just say a little more.
I read some books on soul integration. I found someone who studied how to bring them back. She was a shaman. I felt she brought three back. I literally felt the integration in the heart chakra and an incredible sense of coming home.
Part of the process was asking each What made you leave? What would make you happy? What can I do so that you will stay?
I want to go to another shaman as time goes on. In the meantime, I check in with everyone every day.
Tomorrow I get my driver's permit. It's been 30 years. My 16 year old self wants to get my license, take long drives and blast tunes!
I haven't felt whole since I can't remember. I want to feel whole again. That's a little of my experience.
