Breakthrough With My 3 Year Old Self!!

[Bedbug]

When I hear the words 'be your own parent' or anything in that vein I actually, honestly, really panic.

Me too. I have tried, but this approach seems to keep "her" apart from me. I don't think she needs me to talk to her. She needs me to be strong enough to be her.

That said, I'll probably change my mind a few more times yet about quite what is going on and what to do about it. It is so confusing!

 

[macca]

It is so confusing!

That's for sure. Things are only clear to me now she's gone.

I don't think she needs me to talk to her. She needs me to be strong enough to be her.

This might be a clue. Maybe she needs to be listened to, rather than talked to.

 

[Bedbug]

My child part was suicidal, and I was afraid of doing something in that state when at other times I had no desire to do that.

My child part is also suicidal, self destructive. She wants to slam my head or my fists into walls and she has taken me over and done so many times. I don't want her inside me, but I do want to find a way to let her become me. I want to feel the pain she is suffering because I think I can cope with it in ways she can't. However, I am terrified that I have misjudged my own strength and so remain terrified of her. She is so angry at me for this.

 

[Hope4Now]

I'll probably change my mind a few more times yet about quite what is going on and what to do about it. It is so confusing!

I'm actually getting quite self-conscious that I do this too. Maybe it's not so unusual? Thanks for writing this. Sometimes I feel that I have complete clarity and a vision of what the future for me holds. Other times, like now, I am mired in confusion and insecurity. They're both real, I guess.

I am terrified that I have misjudged my own strength and so remain terrified of her. She is so angry at me for this.

Yes, I understand. The hard work for me is what @macca says:

I learnt to ask her to try to show me more gently, which was still scary but helped.

It works sometimes, as I've mentioned in other threads. But not, apparently, in these recent days. One of my other little ones is suicidal. I peek at her and say the quickest of hellos on a regular basis, but have had to put her in a holding place for now. I actually imagined her into a place where she is with my therapist. So far, that's been okay. What is quite coincidental is that I kept feeling how weird it was that I did this (like, is it okay for me to co-opt my therapist into my imaginative world and put him in charge of her?) and then, while reading The River of Forgetting, I find that the author did the same thing! It made me feel much better.

 

[Eleanor]

'be your own parent

MY GOD, I would hate to be my mother. And my mother is not so bad, in the grand scheme of things.

Interesting, my T never said these words to me. She is Very Very careful about intentional language, which might be one of the things that makes her such a good T for me. She is literal. She uses "want" in it's actual literal sense (of "lack") so if I say "I want a sandwich" she will say, "Yes, you don't have one now, but would like to get one?" Silly example, but makes the point.

When we do inner child work, she directs me to feel first (locate the feeling in my body), listen to any words, say the words and feel the feeling, and then go (as me) to her and ask/notice what she needs. Sometimes it is general reassuring stuff; "We are safe now. I am here for you. You matter to me." sort of things. Mostly, it is always affirming stuff. Either mirroring or validating.

I didn't realize it until now but she hardly ever uses the word "parent' except as a verb, and actually tends to use "nurture" instead. "Nurture yourself" (that is nice sounding, with brownie overtones) works for me much better than "be your own parent" (NO THANK YOU.)

I think things really changed for me when I saw (in a workshop) that actually feeling pain, while totally awful, was actually much less awful than resisting not-feeling pain. Not that there is anything in my past that amounts to this level of trauma (just emotional neglect.) What happened was that one of the people in the (3 day) workshop had been molested by her neighbor 30 years ago as a child - and told her mother who didn't believe her. My T (who was leading the workshop) worked her through the feelings and thoughts, and the rest of us just ... witnessed and believed her. The transformation was profound. Her face was transformed, like, she didn't quite look like the same person who showed up that morning. And the next morning, wow. I am so so glad that she was not a "one off" and that it appears to be contagious!

@macca , thank you for telling your story. It makes me hopeful that the truly horrible three months with my H last fall really was him "acting out" or processing through psycho-drama or something a big hunk of his trauma. Little bits still come up, but not at all like it was. I worry that I am just "happy talking" myself, but something does seem to have resolved for him. He has gotten memories back, remembered names and places that were blanks before. Notably he didn't get weird when I was sick this week, which would have made him edgy before and he was totally fine. Dare I say, "Normal!" ;)

 

[Hope4Now]

Yes, this is part of it. I have NO idea where it might go. So I ignore her as best I can.

I find the more I ignore my child parts, the more insistent and powerful they get. My therapist confirmed this about exiles (what we call the parts of ourselves that we split off or dissociated from or whatever). I think that's what happened in these couple of days. I have been far too busy and distracted and avoidant lately. Once I slowed the pace a little, bam! Here she is. Thankfully, I've managed to contain the others somewhat.

 

[Pencil]

I find the more I ignore my child parts, the more insistent and powerful they get.

I fully get that, but I feel sheer terror at the thought of dealing with it by myself. Damned if you do, damned ...

 

[Eleanor]

I am mired in confusion and insecurity.

As a teacher of philosophy I am something of an expert in confusion.:cool::)

One of the things that often gets in the way of my students learning is their impatience with/intolerance of confusion. What I have observed is that whenever we really deeply learn anything (mental, physical or emotional) we go through a stage of confusion. Things get all mixed up (con-fusio - "poured together") and then they get sorted again in a new order. Really, confusion is a most hopeful state, and the harbinger of new understanding and skills. The disorienting part is that while we are re-ordering stuff old skills and knowledge fall apart for a time. In school, this means that when students are assimilating new knowledge they tend to forget how to use commas and that a single sentence shouldn't have three subject and as many verbs.:whistling: So I am often heard to say in a cheery tone of voice "Confusion is good!"

Insecurity... is it a specific worry?

 

[Hope4Now]

I didn't realize it until now but she hardly ever uses the word "parent' except as a verb, and actually tends to use "nurture" instead. "Nurture yourself" (that is nice sounding, with brownie overtones) works for me much better than "be your own parent" (NO THANK YOU.)

Yes. I can go with the verbs without feeling revulsion, even if I'm not terribly adept at acting on them. To me, "parent" as a noun=my mother and father and instantly triggers me to run very fast and very far away.

actually feeling pain, while totally awful, was actually much less awful than resisting not-feeling pain.

Yes. You're right. I know this cognitively, but not in my body. The ability to let go, to trust that one will not be annihilated, is so far beyond me. It reminds me of when I first climbed up the high diving board when I was around 7 years old. It seemed like a thousand feet in the air. I had watched bazillions of people do it. I knew I could swim, I knew I would not be hurt. But I was frozen in fear. I did it, eventually...but it was a terrifying leap of faith and courage in spite of what my observed experience told me.

Not that there is anything in my past that amounts to this level of trauma (just emotional neglect.)

The following is said in a gentle and compassionate way, not a scolding way. It is so hard sometimes with typing. Please, please do not minimize the devastating impact of neglect. For you, or for others. Trauma isn't comparative or competitive. It's trauma and it shatters.

 

[Pencil]

Please, please do not minimize the devastating impact of neglect. For you, or for others.

Amen, sister. Read that, Eleanor.

 

[Bedbug]

confusion is a most hopeful state [...] "Confusion is good!"

@Eleanor, I want to "like" your post a hundred times! Thanks for this!

 

[Eleanor]

@Hope4Now and @Pencil :cry: Thank you. I take back the "just." I take back the whole sentence. Minimizing me is a bad bad bad habit. ("I'm Fine! :D) I guess I still am in the habit of thinking about trauma, and not so much neglect. While intellectually I buy the "not ranking injuries" thing, I mostly buy it for everyone else, just not me.:tdown: But that doesn't work, does it? It is hard for me to really assimilate the idea that what doesn't happen can be damaging in the same way that things that happen can. I don't know why I should think that, on a moment's reflection. The worst things that happen in my world are things that don't happen. Injustices that are ignored. Help that doesn't arrive. Feelings that aren't acknowledged. Abuse always starts with neglect, doesn't it? This scares me.

I feel sheer terror at the thought of dealing with it by myself

I want to say: "and rightly so." but I don't know that its the right thing. I don't think you should have to deal with it by yourself. I don't even think it is an "it" strictly speaking. I don't what you to be alone when you feel those things, and really make contact with those hurting bits of you. And given that that process can and does spill over into how one functions in the world now it seems merely prudent to send the children to someplace safe (and @Hope4Now I think it is fair to leave the T in charge of the little ones for a bit - that's kind of his job. But you could always ask.) I'd go for Mr. Rogers. Or several people who I know who are dead, so might be assumed to have time. The important bit is to give them the message that you are going to take care of them. Time doesn't work the same for inners.