I was sexually abused by my father: oral sex is the one I think of the most. I did support groups, therapy and workbooks as a young woman to deal with it.
A couple years post-therapy I met my husband. (I previously considered myself a lesbian, I am still most attracted to women, but I was under tremendous internal pressure to get safely situated, and we enjoyed each other's company a lot. I love him though I'm not.... physically attracted, though at the same time, we had a good sex life.) When I became intimate with him, he was gentle and understanding, and I was motivated and had a very strong libido, so soon we had a comfortable, active sexual relationship.
Our relationship varied over the years, but we were typically pretty sexually active, though things tapered off when I got pregnant and had a baby 9 years ago, which of course is pretty common. Then he had some surgeries about four years ago that impacted our intimate life too, and got on some medications that further impaired him, so that's been tough. And for the last several years, we had horrible fights about parenting and he had a lot of conflict with our daughter, which of course, really cooled any romantic feelings I might've had for him. It got bad enough I started thinking divorce or that I'd have to leave him to keep her safe last year.
Fortunately, through therapy (I started first, then got him to go) and a lot of soul searching between us and hard work, things are definitely improving. I'm staring to feel safer and more relaxed at home again after having lots of symptoms and being really troubled.
However, during my therapy, I disclosed the abuse details, and I suddenly got so turned off from having oral sex with him. Ever since those talks, I can't see my husband in the same way anymore. I just have no desire at all for oral sex, completely dislike the idea. It used to be a mainstay of our relationship, one of the constants, sigh.
I feel so different that sometimes it's like my head will crack open and am struggling to make sense of the suddenness of this change.
I was thinking it was maybe because the first time I dealt with the abuse in relationship with him, my connection to him was stronger- I needed him more, I lusted more, and there were no conflicts between us. This time, it was all different- my libido was strained by an extraordinarily demanding schedule, his illnesses, our terrible family conflicts, etc., so maybe... I just couldn't jump the hurdle this time?
He's adapted to our altered sex life, and we're starting to feel a little closer and more intimate again, so, I guess that's good.
My therapist thinks that I had more need to be controlling prior to therapy, because I valued self-reliance as a way to stay safe, and the therapeutic processing helped resolve that need for control. She said it was like a spell I cast, making him safe, and now that I didn't need the safety so much, some of that.... willpower I put into seeing him as attractive and wanting to please him was gone. That now that I was stronger basically, I wasn't so invested in managing our sex life.
I do feel more passive now, like making less effort. That's been true in our marriage overall- like I need him to meet me halfway, with everything from the housework to the parenting, etc. etc. In the past, I don't suppose he was really doing a fair share. But the change was so dramatic and sudden, it felt like something snapped instead of just changed...
A couple years post-therapy I met my husband. (I previously considered myself a lesbian, I am still most attracted to women, but I was under tremendous internal pressure to get safely situated, and we enjoyed each other's company a lot. I love him though I'm not.... physically attracted, though at the same time, we had a good sex life.) When I became intimate with him, he was gentle and understanding, and I was motivated and had a very strong libido, so soon we had a comfortable, active sexual relationship.
Our relationship varied over the years, but we were typically pretty sexually active, though things tapered off when I got pregnant and had a baby 9 years ago, which of course is pretty common. Then he had some surgeries about four years ago that impacted our intimate life too, and got on some medications that further impaired him, so that's been tough. And for the last several years, we had horrible fights about parenting and he had a lot of conflict with our daughter, which of course, really cooled any romantic feelings I might've had for him. It got bad enough I started thinking divorce or that I'd have to leave him to keep her safe last year.
Fortunately, through therapy (I started first, then got him to go) and a lot of soul searching between us and hard work, things are definitely improving. I'm staring to feel safer and more relaxed at home again after having lots of symptoms and being really troubled.
However, during my therapy, I disclosed the abuse details, and I suddenly got so turned off from having oral sex with him. Ever since those talks, I can't see my husband in the same way anymore. I just have no desire at all for oral sex, completely dislike the idea. It used to be a mainstay of our relationship, one of the constants, sigh.
I feel so different that sometimes it's like my head will crack open and am struggling to make sense of the suddenness of this change.
I was thinking it was maybe because the first time I dealt with the abuse in relationship with him, my connection to him was stronger- I needed him more, I lusted more, and there were no conflicts between us. This time, it was all different- my libido was strained by an extraordinarily demanding schedule, his illnesses, our terrible family conflicts, etc., so maybe... I just couldn't jump the hurdle this time?
He's adapted to our altered sex life, and we're starting to feel a little closer and more intimate again, so, I guess that's good.
My therapist thinks that I had more need to be controlling prior to therapy, because I valued self-reliance as a way to stay safe, and the therapeutic processing helped resolve that need for control. She said it was like a spell I cast, making him safe, and now that I didn't need the safety so much, some of that.... willpower I put into seeing him as attractive and wanting to please him was gone. That now that I was stronger basically, I wasn't so invested in managing our sex life.
I do feel more passive now, like making less effort. That's been true in our marriage overall- like I need him to meet me halfway, with everything from the housework to the parenting, etc. etc. In the past, I don't suppose he was really doing a fair share. But the change was so dramatic and sudden, it felt like something snapped instead of just changed...
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