Broken

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Getting drowned out by the sounds of others
As always
Getting shut out because of being a loner
As always
I'm damaged goods that not even anyone here really cares
As always
Just repeat to yourself; you're shit, you suck, you deserve this...
As always
You're screaming now, screaming to be heard, falls on deaf ears
As always
Screaming, "Don't forget me, Don't forget me"
As always
Fading into the background, waiting to be heard, no one comes. Life is cold.
As always
As always alone and Broken.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm sorry it's so hard. Just letting you know I do hear you.

 

[Stickler]

You're not forgotten. :hug:

 

[Milo's papa]

Getting drowned out by the sounds of others
As always
Getting shut out because of being a loner
As al...

ptsdednos, you may be a loner, but you're never alone here. There is always some who cares, someone will hear you. You are never forgotten.

 

[Nevermore]

I hear you! Those feelings are also familiar to me. I have no confidence in being understood. Yes - even here. Everywhere!
It's lonely. But you are not alone!
Hang in there. This too will pass....

 

[Friday]

Always/Never moods bite. Every once in awhile they do make a durn good goal list, though!

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Always/Never moods bite. Every once in awhile they do make a durn good goal list, though!

I do have to agree. I finally told my husband how many times my ex raped me. (Every weekend at least twice for 4 months). That was nice to get out. It felt nice to cry but now I feel dead again.


:bag: writes this as "I Will Survive"; plays in the background.... If that's not a friggin sign....

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Thank you @jojo88, @sun seeker, @Milo's papa & @Stickler.

I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling jojo, sometimes it actually can get really lonely on here too :(.
It's hard not to feel forgotten sometimes, especially when you have pushed your feelings so far down that you don't even know where to find them.

-Going off the Cup Explaination for a minute-

My cup has been overflowing for over a month now, constantly. Constantly getting triggered and having flashbacks but keeping it hidden so I can keep others happy. Hopefully if others are happy, I'll eventually be happy. I don't think that hypothesis is working for me. It's all I have for now. Thank you all for your kindness. I needed someone to hear my heart cry.

 

[Nevermore]

Ooooh yes, it's the hiding of feelings that has often made me feel even more alone. I have felt what you say too / thd wish to not upset others etc but am learning slowly to let myself at least feel my own feelings without shame.
Expressing them is not always a good thing for me as I've pushed everything down for so long and my feelings can come out with great force. Kinda like a volcano!
The therapist I see is an art therapist. It really helps me to say it without words.
When I first went to her I drew this suitcase floating through space. I was alive inside Thd suitcase but i felt so alone and with no support. There was nowhere to go but stay in the suitcase and I thought I would just end up dying like that - alone, unknown, floating through space forever far away from other humans with all my terrible fast suffering inside there. Silently going crazy.
My biggest battle as it turns out was within me. I had zero trust left. And the person I need to trust most of all is me - that I will Respect myself and allow myself to feel and thus to grow beyond that frozen state. To accept my life and not try to be like anyone else but me. To let myself out of the suitcase.
Creativity has been the key for me. I don't exactly know why but when I lose myself that way I do feel more connected.
Just mentioning it in case you are similar. I don't think I'm good with words. I'm no good at explaining stuff or talking about the past. It all just becomes a big blurry jamming up of my head and heart. i often feel unheard or misunderstood.
But images - ah that's different!

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

@jojo88 i have thought about art therapy. I'm just not good with art. I will post a picture of my art for you to see. Most of mine are just words that I've heard and how much I hate those words. I've learned to express myself mostly through coloring and poetry. I'm learning to get back into poetry. I'm kinda rusty right now but I've done some good work in the past. My art is very hateful. Bleeding. Hurt. Sadness. Pain. I wish it wasn't but that's how I feel all the time under this stupid facade. I think in order for me to change, I need CBT. And I'm ready now.

 

[Nevermore]

Just Letting you know - art therapy is not about making good looking art. far from it!
I used to think that too. And I too felt self conscious and stupid about my own art - now I don't care! It feels good!
But anyway I only mentioned it because it works much better than talking for me.
But I have heard CBT is amazing too.
I do think for me s lot of it is about being heard. I can really relate to those feelings of invisibility.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I feel like after a while everything stops working for me but I posted two pictures that I painted in my media if you want to check them out. They are like a 5 year olds so don't make fun but they help for the time being... @jojo88