willhealeventually
Silver Member
I have cut off all ties with my mother about six years ago. I wanted to stay in touch with my father, but I don’t know what my mother told him - he stopped communicating with me. My brother has depression and probably some other diagnoses - he just stays in a small room in my parents’ house playing video games for several decades.
Last week I felt suicidal - like it was really the end, and I texted my brother about it. I think I was convinced that I was going to do it. He called me and was actually very understanding. He was trying to help me. I invited him to visit with me and he took the three plus hour drive.
Yesterday, we were talking. At some point in the conversation he told me that our mother was a paranoid person. When she found out that he was going to see me, she made him promise over and over to NOT bring me back with him - because I was going to “kill” her to take her house. Wtf?
I am having some serious issues that I am getting help from right now from professionals. But that triggered me so much - it brought back memories of how she treated me, how much she hated me. The pain was so intense in my chest that I had to lay down and just be quiet with it for a bit.
He told me other incidents of him living with her and seeing her do really crazy things. All these years, mostly on the phone, she was making me feel crazy and playing on my sympathy - she kept complaining that my father was cheating on her. My brother told me she pulled him aside when my father was recovering from heart surgery and very frail, and told my brother that my dad was cheating on her. My brother said it was clearly paranoia because my father was barely in any shape to even eat. All of a sudden I had an epiphany about her and that I wasn’t crazy.
I have moderate ptsd. I told my brother what happened to me in my country of origin before we cane here. I am guessing that my mother went through the same or similar things - my grandmother (her mother) was one of my primary abusers. My brother is depressed largely because of the crazy family dynamics - and he stayed at that house, even as I left at 16.
It was/is a lot to take in. All the years of me trying to connect with and feel love from my mother - and failing. Coupled with the abuse, I developed a belief that I was faulty at the core. Now I am realizing that my mother was not all there. My brother says she is not human anymore. I feel so much grief rising up.
Last week I felt suicidal - like it was really the end, and I texted my brother about it. I think I was convinced that I was going to do it. He called me and was actually very understanding. He was trying to help me. I invited him to visit with me and he took the three plus hour drive.
Yesterday, we were talking. At some point in the conversation he told me that our mother was a paranoid person. When she found out that he was going to see me, she made him promise over and over to NOT bring me back with him - because I was going to “kill” her to take her house. Wtf?
I am having some serious issues that I am getting help from right now from professionals. But that triggered me so much - it brought back memories of how she treated me, how much she hated me. The pain was so intense in my chest that I had to lay down and just be quiet with it for a bit.
He told me other incidents of him living with her and seeing her do really crazy things. All these years, mostly on the phone, she was making me feel crazy and playing on my sympathy - she kept complaining that my father was cheating on her. My brother told me she pulled him aside when my father was recovering from heart surgery and very frail, and told my brother that my dad was cheating on her. My brother said it was clearly paranoia because my father was barely in any shape to even eat. All of a sudden I had an epiphany about her and that I wasn’t crazy.
I have moderate ptsd. I told my brother what happened to me in my country of origin before we cane here. I am guessing that my mother went through the same or similar things - my grandmother (her mother) was one of my primary abusers. My brother is depressed largely because of the crazy family dynamics - and he stayed at that house, even as I left at 16.
It was/is a lot to take in. All the years of me trying to connect with and feel love from my mother - and failing. Coupled with the abuse, I developed a belief that I was faulty at the core. Now I am realizing that my mother was not all there. My brother says she is not human anymore. I feel so much grief rising up.
