General Brothers Wedding "to Go Or Not"

[Soldiers Wife]

OK so my brother announces he is getting married in December in Louisiana. My attitude or it is SOOOOO WHAT! My monstrosity of parents wrecked any chance of him and I having a relationship. Now dont get me wrong I dont hate my brother I just dont care for his better than me, mom and dad loved me more attitude. He walks around with this I am so perfect attitude. I know my parents convinced him I am the worlds worst parent because my mother has always been jealous of me. At least that is how my grandmother tells me. ok ok I am getting off track here.....

My not wanting to go more has to do with my mother's evil husband. Granted my mom wont be there because she passed away from her alcohalism between 2 and 3 years ago. I want him no where near me or my precious angels. I know he will try and I am not sure I can keep the claws retracted and the b***** contained. My grandmother really wants us to go but I dont know if my PTSD will rear its ugly head or my new found backbone will get me into trouble. I warned my uncle that if we do go he may want to make sure he is between my children and the monster. I want to rip his heart out for all the pain he inflicted on my family. I still blame him for my mothers death. I feel he should be behind bars serving a life sentence for murder because he is the one that beat her so bad over the years that she turned to the booze just to cope through the next beating and rape.

I honestly dont know if I am going to be able to do this. The selfish side of me says to heck with it. I have my own stress and life here why the F+++ add to it. But a part of me wants to let my grandma know I still respect her and choose to go with her so she doesnt have to do it alone. I know she will struggle just as hard as I will to keep from ripping him apart. I have to let her know in the next few days whether the kids and I are going so she can order the tickets. I guess that is why I am freaking out.

 

[Nicolette]

The decision is easy - what feels right for you!

 

[Soldiers Wife]

Oh Nicolette how I wish it was that easy LOL. What feels right to me would upset both my grandparents. It may be the last trip I get with my grandfather. I know he is looking forward to it even if I choose not to actually go to the wedding. I would never hear the end of it if I chose not to go on this trip with them. I know what I have to do I am just avoiding the decision right now. So your right I guess it is an easy decision LOL Thanks Nicolette. Hugs to you!

 

[Jestadud]

I want to be careful here, are you sure that what your brother displays isn't just male bravado!

He would I assume want a life better than the one he grew up in, as most people do. If he wears a shell of false bravado he might be hoping beyond hope that his family will allow him his special day without trouble.

If your Grandma wants you to go because she feels alone in the company of your family maybe the pair of you can ride shotgun on your children. Do you think they are at risk from meeting your Father?

 

[Soldiers Wife]

Unfortunatly my older two know who he is. When my H and I got together my mother and Step Monster had custody of my oldest. I was not and never was a bad parent. They lied to gain custody of my son. So after my H and I got custody of my oldest my H talked me into trying to have a relationship with my mother. He thought it was important. He just didnt at the time want to believe how toxic those two could be. He now Knows.

My brother wants my oldest and my little girl to be in the wedding. I am ok with that. I have no doubt my step monster will try and have contact with my children especially my oldest. However if he even tries to touch them he will be pulling back a stub. If he knows what is good for him he will stay at least 15 feet from my children and I.

I will not purpously cause trouble at my brothers wedding but I will not allow any crap from the step monster.

 

[Jestadud]

Then it sounds like you have made your mind up to go.

Most of us realise that it is a Ptsd trait to prepare for the worst and I suspect from what you have written that your Step Monster is already forwarned to tread very carefully where you and your family are concerned. If you are with your Grandma and Grandad who are aware of your Ptsd then maybe you can feel that the odds are in your favour this time.

 

[Nicolette]

I have my own stress and life here why the F+++ add to it. But a part of me wants to let my grandma know I still respect her and choose to go with her so she doesnt have to do it alone. I know she will struggle just as hard as I will to keep from ripping him apart. I have to let her know in the next few days whether the kids and I are going so she can order the tickets. I guess that is why I am freaking out.

I understand you wanting to you for your Grandmother....... can you go and not take the children?

 

[seedling]

Is your brother aware of the trouble that contact with the children would cause? They will be the center of attention at times, in their cute clothes and people talking to them about their part in the ceremony. Can you or others control the guy's contact with them? If he is forewarned will he take that warning seriously or will he try to get away with something the moment he thinks he can? You know best how this might play out.

How about a visit with your grandparents and not go to the wedding, or like Nicolette said - without the children? Seems like others may have to have some understanding for you and what you are going through to do this with them and for them.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Your Grandmother's 'feelings' are FAR less important than the mental health of your children's Mother!

As my sponsor says, Don't 'should' on yourself - or let anyone else do it either. A nice card, gift is sufficient...and you owe NOBODY an explanation. A simple 'I'm unable to make it' is sufficient.

IF that's what you want. That's the thing....knowing what YOU want.

;)

 

[Brontie]

I heartily agree with BloomInWinter. Your children must come first. And if you have any doubts about their safety, or your own ability to deal with the situation, then you should probably politely decline the invitation. You can always invite your brother for a visit sometime in the future especially if you are both trying to forgive and move on. You might also get the chance to explain your apprehension about attending his wedding then too. I'm sorry but if this were to do with my children, pleasing grandma wouldn't be at the top of my list.

 

[Abrasky]

I agree with Bloom in Winter. Sometimes you have to choose your own safety above what other's want. Some people that are in your history are just not able to be around even if it's for a second across the same room. And if your grandparents don't understand then that's just not very nice! ....of them. Trust your instincts where your children are concerned.

 

[Soldiers Wife]

Thank you all for making me think alot on this subject. It has been very helpful.