(c)ptsd, Identity, Sexuality, Discussion

[rollthedice]

WARNING, LONG POST

Ok, so I've been thinking a lot about how I came to be the person I am today and if there is anything I can do about it.
Like some of you I have what is labelled complex post traumatic stress disorder, or at least I think I do. I have not been diagnosed by a doctor and my therapist says he doesn't like to label things because it will not contribute with anything putting a label on it.
Also, my journey might not seem as horrible compared to what some of you have been through, but I still reacted the way I did and I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened.

Basically I've been reading a lot of reports on how PTSD affects the brain and also been doing reading up on the scientific standpoint on homosexuality. I don't mean to offend anyone by this post and I do believe that some people are born being attracted to the same sex, but I also belive there might be a link between CPTSD and sexuality.

So, to start off I will give you a bit of background info.

I had a happy childhood growing up on the countryside being raised by my mother and grandmother. When I was in college we moved twice and I think this had a really big effect on me. First we moved to a big city and I was put in a posh private school where I felt like I didn't fit in because I didn't shre the same backgroud as most of the other people there. Like I wasn't good enough because I didn't come from money. Then after a year we moved again to another city and for the second time in two years I had to make new friends in a new city.

On top of moving around my mom got diagnosed with canced during my second year of college. She survived but it was rough.

Also during college I started developing a penis complex. I'm a tall somewhat handsome guy so I should be glad I had what I had but I always had this nagging feeling that I didn't measure up downstairs. I always thought I was smaller than the other guys and in the flaccid state I might have been. At this point I wasn't aware of the grower/shower-thing and I though that everyone grew as much as I did when erect. So I guess I was actually spot on normal in size even though I didn't realize it.
Anyways, being tall and having a small flaccid I developed this complex. And one of my classmates picked up on it and started giving me shit about it. From time to time he would just randomly spit out ”penis complex” and everytime it felt like I had been hit by a truck. My pulse would go up and I would feel that rush of adrenaline you get when you're in danger. The worst thing was that I didn't know how to react to it. If I would get upset it would mean that I took offense and that I really had a penis complex or a small dick so instead I tried to act like I hadn't heard it.. which I guess he found pretty hilarious seeing as most of the times it was obvious I couldn't have missed it.
This was not a daily or even weekly thing but once and again he would blurt it out and it started messing with my head. It felt as if he had some way of controlling me since I couldn't counter-attack.

After college another one of my ”mates” also started giving me shit after having seen me naked in the gym showers. He would sometimes make me the butt of his jokes when they were about penis size.
I know it probably sounds ridiculous to some of you but this really affected me and I started thinking there was something wrong with me and that no girl would ever want me because of my dick. Most of the time though I still felt ok and it wasn't like it was on my mind constantly.
That was until one night when a bunch of us were walking home from the pub together. My ”mate”
was making jokes about not measuring up and he just wouldn't give it a rest... just kept going and going and finally something happened. I snapped. It almost felt like something inside of me broke. The next morning it was still on my mind. And at lunch. And at dinner. And the next morning again. Before I managed to somewhat forget about it in between occurances but this time it was different. It was on my mind 24/7 and just didn't want to go away. (This was in 2005)
This happened during the summer and in the fall I was set to go to university in another country. I was constantly anxious and moving to a university abroad probably didn't help things.
I also noticed when I tried to study that I could focus on what I was reading anymore. I hade to re-read whole pages because the info didn't want to stick.
I also started having big trouble sleeping. Some nights I got maybe one or two hours of sleep. It was as if there was a war going on inside my head, speeding thoughts that wouldn't go away.
I started isolating myself since I felt anxious around people and especially sitting in class with loads of other students. This had never been a problem for me before.
Somehow I managed to make it through university and I got my bachelors degree. I didn't graduate with good grades but I graduated at least. But I still felt awful I knew that there was no way in hell that I would be able to work as I spent most of my third year in bed hardly being able to go to any lectures.

After graduation I moved back home and carried on studying at my local university. So, I'm currently on my second degree and things have become better with regards to social anxiety and sleep but I'm still a mess. A couple of years ago I could hardly stand in line at the local supermarket but now I find that I can do it without panicking too much.

Before the onset of my cptsd I was positive, ambitious and had a great outlook on life. I wanted to get a good job and meet a nice girl and be a dad some day. I loved women or, because of my complex I was too scared to get involved sexually, but I loved looking at them and fantasizing about their bodies etc. Looking at girls online really turned me on and sometimes I would get so revved up I would almost lick the computer screen because I wanted a certain girl so badly! Obviously, then, I considered myself to be 100% straight.
This was up until that night when I snapped. After that when I looked at women I immediately though about how I would never be good enough and how they would probably laugh at me if things turned sexual. So insted of, as before, enjoying them for the beautiful creatures that they are I guess they made made me anxious and angry.
I started watching shemale porn and even though I was still a bit repulsed by the fact they had a dick it was intriguing somehow.
I went from having fantasies about being sexually dominant to submissiveness.. and now a couple of years down the road my fantasies revolve around cross-dressing and being f*cked anally.
I still have a lot of social anxiety but as I said before it's not as bad as it used to be.

So, of course I've been thinking about how the hell I could go from being attracted to women to having fantasies about men, or at least shemales. Is it just that I'm having a hard time identifying with other men after having been told that I wasn't good enough constantly. Or has there been an actual chemical and physiological change in my brain that caused this. Or perhaps both?

When I read up about PTSD/CPTSD I noticed in a numerous articles that it had been noticed how it affects your brain.

These two articles mention the over-activation of the amygdala in the brain as a result of PTSD.

(I wasn't allowed to post links so instead youll have to google amygdala +PTSD.. )

Here they talk about how the hippocampus decreases in mass due to PTSD.

(google hippocampus +PTSD)

In this article they discuss the ”gay brain” and how the anterior commisureis larger in the homosexual mans brain than in that of the straight man. The reason that is interesting is because this part of the brain is closely connected to the hipoocampus and the amygdala.

(google "the gay brain".. I read the one from shaktitechnology but there are several sites that talk about this)

So, basically what im wondering is if there (in some cases) might be a connection between PTSD/CPTSD and homosexuality.

When a person has (C)PTSD the amygdala is over-stimulated. And in the homosexuals scientists have found that the anterior commisure is enlarged. The anterior commisure is what connects the two parts of the amygdala so an over-stimulated amygdala would result in and over-stimulated anterior commisure = enlargment?

I might just be a random coincidence but who knows, maybe there is something more to it.

Thank you for reading.

/BM

(Maybe one of the moderators could put in a relevant link where I wasn't allowed to? thanks)

 

[anthony]

Hi,

I think you are over-reaching your self assessment with PTSD and especially CPTSD, to begin with. Firstly, there is no such thing as CPTSD, its called complex trauma. CPTSD is a term used, it has no official capacity in mental health diagnosis.

Second, whilst you have been picked on, which you have, which is bullying, none of this equates to abnormally traumatic to meet a PTSD diagnosis, hence why your therapist hasn't told you you have it, and hence why you haven't been diagnosed with it, because you don't meet the criteria for PTSD, nor have the symptom threshold, or likely severity, from anything you have mentioned.

Whilst bullying can result in PTSD, its not the verbal kind, its the physical kind, being beaten, raped even, etc, that causes PTSD from bullying. It takes extreme emotional bullying to cause PTSD, and what you explain above does not meet this.

Don't get me wrong, I am not dismissing your harrassment from your mates, however; that is all it is, normal fun, antics, joking and harrassment... it would struggle even to fit within bullying, though you could fit it, so I will for the sake of this.

You don't have PTSD though from what you mentioned... and the information you mention about the hippocampus is old information that has zero relevance to PTSD nowadays due to neuroscience and other studies, ruling out hippocampus specific aspects in PTSD. Yes, the hippocampus is affected by PTSD, but it has little to do with PTSD in the brain overall, as PTSD is contained primarily within the prefontal cortex. All parts link into one another, but you are off track with your theories, and also you have self diagnosed, when professionals aren't diagnosing you.

There is a reason why therapist tell people such as yourself they don't want to label you, because what you think you have, you don't have, and what you do have, which is far lesser than PTSD, you may not like to accept.

You need therapy, absolutely... because emotional distress is emotional distress and it needs to be dealt with, however; you don't have PTSD from what you have stated above. You have anxiety by the sounds of it, which affects sleep and other areas of your life, also creates mood based depression... but these are different than what PTSD is.

 

[ItsAllGood]

Hi Rollthedice

I just wanted to say I am so impressed at your self disclosure! Wow! Your amazing, well done!

I wanted to ask : Its sounds like your looking for some recognition and validation of the significance these experiences have had? I know thats what my diagnosis gave me, validation. Especially when you start to understand some of the brain effects too. What's actually going on at a diagnosis level is between you and your T, but whether or not it aquates to a specific diagnostic term doesnt denote the seriousness or the significance. Glad your getting help.

I have to say, I got so angry reading your post. Guys can be so stupid, so careless with putting each other down all the time! Why do they do that? Is it some wierd posturing thing or something? It makes me so angry to hear what happened to you! Im really sorry! Thats horrible! Joking about something totally personal like that too! How totally juvinile and primitive. Some people just don't realise what a personal attack those kinds of comments can feel like, especially about something so central to your nature, masculinity and sexuality. Sorry to your 'friends' but they sound really stupid and I hope you don't hang around with them anymore.

My understanding of the way this kind of issue is treated is with a normalization by the therapist - a 'not labeling'. Because the patient has often kind of 'labeled' themself as having an issue, the issue is not an issue in reality (penis size is irrelevant and not necessarily correlated with sexual prowess by any means beleive me) so it needs to be 'delabeled'. And seriously the size of a penis is absolutely not an issue. Its this wierd myth. The therapy approach is often cognitive behavioural therapy, normalizing stuff and checking thinking. This is because the concerns about the meaning the person or bullies (or hollywood, thanks alot hollywood!) have attached to the size of the penis is completely unfounded in reality and often has been skewed by the bad feeling of having been joked about so personally (much like as in body dysmorphic syndrome). Its totally not funny too! so it would totally make a sense to take it seriously at the time.These guys must have thought it was funny because they could see there was absolutely no issue what so ever, so they didn't realise you'd actually take it seriously? If a girl asked you if you thought stick thin skeleton girls were attractive or 'girl next door' buxome types she'd be talking about the same kind of strange concern that can get worse the more worry you put into it. Most guys I know love full bodied girls rather than midget 'human coat hangers' with bones poking out, but nice people get an idea put in their head and then they can start to worry about it.

I was thinking you really should check out the Howard Stern movie. He is very vocal about his penis size and completely and totally dissproves the myth that it matters at all. That guy gets any woman he wants. Check out the youtube clip of him making out with Heather Locklear : )

Take care!

 

[doglover]

I don't think finding shemales, as you call them, attractive means you're homosexual.

When you imagine yourself in a long-term relationship, what is the biological gender of the person? When you imagine your ideal sexual experience what is the biological gender of the person?

I find it intriguing and sexy to watch transgendered pornography sometimes, and to watch women with strap-ons having intercourse with other women, and I find women attractive generally but I find men attractive too. I love "gender bending" in various forms. I don't think I'm homosexual. I think we find the exotic captivating... and I don't think that is associated with our orientation.

If you prefered the idea of being with women when you were young then you probably still do. It sounds like your social anxiety or fear of judgment is interfering more than innate orientation to me.

Come to think of it, I've spoken with several self-proclaimed heterosexual males who have reported their enjoyment of images like you describe. "Shemales", transgender, strap-on lesbian intercourse, etc. There's all sorts of non-traditional pornography out there. Lots of men would talk about enjoying a film where one person defecates on the other, but not many of them would say they wish to experience that for themselves. There's a distinct difference between enjoying the fantasy and seeking the reality. Do you seek relationship with a male? Or do you feel a stronger gut butterfly effect when you think about relating with a female?

I agree with the poster above who said it's not about size. Oh my goodness, it's not about size at all. It's about connection and what you do with what you have. Many, if not most women, don't have an orgasm through penetration anyway. (Regardless of what you might have heard or read, women generally have a very difficult time, or a purely impossible time, achieving orgasm from penetration regardless of size, due to the anatomy of female sex organs.) Usually they achieve orgasm from other methods of stimulation. Things that someone can do whatever their penis size.

I'd suggest you stop listening to those inner thoughts that judge your size and start listening to the loads of women who say it's more about what you do with what you have, and about building a connection with your partner. Whatever their gender or orientation.

I think you might need to drop the labels and the self-diagnosis and the looking for problems you have. It sounds like that might be doing you more harm than good. What if you focus on your strengths and your positive qualities and try to stop putting yourself in a box? The more you see yourself as someone with problems, the more you make that Who You Are. And the harder it is to let go of being a person with Big Problems. Before you know it, life is really hard, in part because you see yourself as a person with Big Problems - because that can have a deep and lasting impact on your attitude toward lots of things in your life. The more you focus on figuring out how to achieve your goals in life, and how to get the results you want, the easier it will feel in your mind.

My two cents. I'm not minimizing what you feel inside. I just don't think it sounds like your efforts to label yourself and pathologize yourself are doing you a lot of good. I'm sorry you went through such painful experiences with so-called friends and hope you find healing and peace.

 

[doglover]

Just to clarify I'm not saying you aren't homosexual. I can't know that. But I'm fairly certain the hetero men I've known who also find transgender images captivating means that, alone, isn't likely to mean you are homosexual.

I do know several lesbians who had abusive mothers. Which often involves trauma. But I doubt PTSD causes homosexuality.

Anyway I hope I don't sound dismissive or like I know you better than you know yourself. I don't intend to suggest either of those.

 

[rollthedice]

Thank you for your replies.

I think maybe CBT or normalization might be the way to go as Thnowflea mentioned. I'll take it up with my T and see what he thinks.