This Ends Now
Platinum Member
I had been having a lot of thoughts about how Vietnam effected ny uncle and my father.
My father seems to have dropped completely off the grid so no leads there.
Today I made the oh so smart move of calling my uncle and asking him about his service. After the initial screaming about being bothered by people with nothing better to do I apologized and told him that I cad called for a reason... to ask him a question. I asked him about his experience in Vietnam. He promptly told me to go read a book. I explained that I had read a book... two actually (The Fog of War and In Retrospect - both by McNamera) as well as reading articles and stories from the combat forum and info from the VA. He softened up a lot and said that he did not talk about that stuff anymore since it made him too angry. I told him that was more than reasonable, our men had been treated like s**t and that war was completely f**** up. I can't explain the range of emotion that I heard in his voice next. He vented for a while about how messed up the situation was. He had been sent into a quagmire of hell with his hands tied so he could not fight back. My heart broke for him and his fellow soldiers and I started crying a little and saying something about how wrong it was when there was a pause in what he was saying. I asked him where him had been stationed so I could look it up. Apparently there was a base on or hear monkey mountain. I let him know that I had read posts about that place being especially bad, not that any location was good over there. He said it wasn't so bad for him since his base was near an old french mine field that was impossible for anybody to navigate including the Vietcong. He told me about hearing the constant explosions when people tried to cross the mine field... they happened at random times at all hours of the night. He also told me that one day he was walking out of the base with a friend of his. Just as he had turned around the security guard was shot by VC aiming at him and his friend. They both dropped and crawled to the nearest machine gun. As he was about to open fire he was ordered not to shoot... returning fire was not allowed in that area at that time. Again I was crying and just kept repeating "that's so f****d up." He seemed so relieved to finally have someone on his side.
Then he told me about coming home. One day at our family's beach house my mother called him a "baby killer" and all hell broke loose. I screamed in horror... my mother saying that to his face in front of his parents! He said that he would never forget that day and he has hated her ever since.
Suddenly a rush of bad memories flashed before me but this time I could see it through his eyes. He really loved me and was helping in the only way he knew how while fighting untreated PTSD. He had repetitively tried to come to my mother's aid when she felt overwhelmed. He had been trying desperately to help me and be a father figure. I was able to sincerely thank him for all he had done and tried to do, it was a very healing moment for both of us.
Then I guess he felt safe enough to talk about how much hatred he had towards my mother. I think it is best if I censure that part. The hate and cruelty is literally killing him. I let him vent and just listened (really listened) until he had to let me go to get to yet another doctor appointment for his next surgery. I asked if it would be OK to call him sometime in the future. He gladly said yes and apologized for yelling at me at the start of our call and said it was not my fault.
Not sure how to process all this yet. The call went well even though it left me an emotional wreck. Fortunately all this happened while I was waiting in my p-doc's office so I was in a very safe place. I was able to quietly meditate and pray until the doctor called me back for my appointment.
My father seems to have dropped completely off the grid so no leads there.
Today I made the oh so smart move of calling my uncle and asking him about his service. After the initial screaming about being bothered by people with nothing better to do I apologized and told him that I cad called for a reason... to ask him a question. I asked him about his experience in Vietnam. He promptly told me to go read a book. I explained that I had read a book... two actually (The Fog of War and In Retrospect - both by McNamera) as well as reading articles and stories from the combat forum and info from the VA. He softened up a lot and said that he did not talk about that stuff anymore since it made him too angry. I told him that was more than reasonable, our men had been treated like s**t and that war was completely f**** up. I can't explain the range of emotion that I heard in his voice next. He vented for a while about how messed up the situation was. He had been sent into a quagmire of hell with his hands tied so he could not fight back. My heart broke for him and his fellow soldiers and I started crying a little and saying something about how wrong it was when there was a pause in what he was saying. I asked him where him had been stationed so I could look it up. Apparently there was a base on or hear monkey mountain. I let him know that I had read posts about that place being especially bad, not that any location was good over there. He said it wasn't so bad for him since his base was near an old french mine field that was impossible for anybody to navigate including the Vietcong. He told me about hearing the constant explosions when people tried to cross the mine field... they happened at random times at all hours of the night. He also told me that one day he was walking out of the base with a friend of his. Just as he had turned around the security guard was shot by VC aiming at him and his friend. They both dropped and crawled to the nearest machine gun. As he was about to open fire he was ordered not to shoot... returning fire was not allowed in that area at that time. Again I was crying and just kept repeating "that's so f****d up." He seemed so relieved to finally have someone on his side.
Then he told me about coming home. One day at our family's beach house my mother called him a "baby killer" and all hell broke loose. I screamed in horror... my mother saying that to his face in front of his parents! He said that he would never forget that day and he has hated her ever since.
Suddenly a rush of bad memories flashed before me but this time I could see it through his eyes. He really loved me and was helping in the only way he knew how while fighting untreated PTSD. He had repetitively tried to come to my mother's aid when she felt overwhelmed. He had been trying desperately to help me and be a father figure. I was able to sincerely thank him for all he had done and tried to do, it was a very healing moment for both of us.
Then I guess he felt safe enough to talk about how much hatred he had towards my mother. I think it is best if I censure that part. The hate and cruelty is literally killing him. I let him vent and just listened (really listened) until he had to let me go to get to yet another doctor appointment for his next surgery. I asked if it would be OK to call him sometime in the future. He gladly said yes and apologized for yelling at me at the start of our call and said it was not my fault.
Not sure how to process all this yet. The call went well even though it left me an emotional wreck. Fortunately all this happened while I was waiting in my p-doc's office so I was in a very safe place. I was able to quietly meditate and pray until the doctor called me back for my appointment.
