General Can a Relationship Help PTSD?

[ladybug08]

It has been over a year since I started therapy for PTSD. Believe me therapy has helped a lot, but there is one area I am still not comfortable with...relationships. It has been over ten years since I have been in a relationship. One reason why I have not been in one is that all of my previous relationships have ended very badly. All of them had some kind of personality disorder, or abuse drugs, mainly alcohol. One made me suicidal. That was the last straw, and I never looked back.

The reason I am asking is that I am 40, and never married. My brother and sister are married, almost all my friends are married. So if I am invited over someones house, you guess, I come by myself, and the rest come as couples, and I am uncomfortable. The only alternative is stay at home. That's not healthy. I don't feel normal. I do have a 17 year old son, and when someone ask where is his dad, I reply I do not know, I get pity. Pity. I don't need pity. I make enough money to take care of myself, and my son without child support. When they find out this infomation, I feel a sense of shame, and I am ready to hide out at home.

There are times that I like being alone because of the profession that I am in. I need that time. But there are times when I am at a loss that I need someone to talk to. I talk to my sister, but we end up arguing, and she does not want to talk to me because of my PTSD...and when my cup overflows...whatch out. I cannot talk to my mom becuase she is the main cause of me having PTSD. I will only be made fun of. What do any of you think? Will having a relationship will help?

 

[DLadi]

Does a relationship help with ptsd? I am certainly not an expert but I've been riding a rollercoaster with my sufferer for almost a year. When his cup gets full- I get pushed away. He doens't have his ptsd under control though.

Do you think that you can handle having someone in your life and not push them away when things get stressful? Do you have it under control? Can you recognize when you are choosing a "needy" person as it appears that your past relationships haven't been very healthy.

Only you can determine whether you are ready but realize that you have a responsibility to the other person. But, this is the time in your life when your child is getting ready to be an adult and go out on their own. There is no reason that anyone should be alone but you have to have the strength to handle the relationship.
A loving and healthy relationship can certainly help most people who are ready.

 

[InWaiting]

I agree that if you are ready for one, go for it. My PTSD sufferer has denounced relationships for now and therefore I was pushed away. I think it could have worked and we could have been happy again, but she did not want this (at least not right now). In my opinion though, if the sufferer wants the relationship, and the carer/supporter is willing to make concessions for them while they are suffering, then it could work out. But both parties need to be committed to the relationship. Ladybug, if I could go back and start my relationship over again with my beloved, I would have changed the fact that she did not tell me about the PTSD until almost the end when everything unravelled too far. So maybe be upfront with new relationships so they know how to be a more supporting partner for you.

 

[Nicolette]

I would have changed the fact that she did not tell me about the PTSD until almost the end when everything unravelled too far.

In my opinion, if you are not upfront and honest the truth eventually catches up with you and someone gets hurt by it......If you don't have trust and honesty in a relationship from the onset well then you are not living or dealing with the truth which can often come back to bite you.

 

[TLight]

Yes, we are obligated to tell the potential mate ASAP. I think this only builds closeness and allows the other person to make choices that are healthy for themselves.

 

[Pops]

Obviously I only have my own experience to use as a guide but I can honestly say, maybe surprisingly to some, that the relationship that I and my partner has has not only not suffered at the hands of his PTSD, it has actually got stronger.

We are, and always have been, a very close, loving, happy couple and this was one of the things I was most worried about when he was diagnosed...what was it going to do to "us"....the answer is make us stronger and happier and more sure (if that was possible) that this is for life.

He will openly admit that he could not have got through this without me by his side and although he still has very bad days, we also have great days and lots of fun too.

I think if you are ready for a relatioship and meet someone you care for, as long as you are open from the start, it could be an amazing thing for you...

 

[ladybug08]

Thank you all for your answers :smile:. Telling the person that you are getting involved with that you have PTSD is the honest thing to do. Finding the right person can be hard.

 

[Ann Onimous]

When I met my ex, he was suffering (undiagnosed) due to his time in the military. He flitted from girl to girl, jumping whole hog into a relationship, then running away suddenly when things got hard.

He came to realize that he wanted each new relationship to save him, to bring him happiness. And while the flightiness of infatuation would consume him for a while, soon his ominous feelings would return. The girl wasn't "saving" him anymore, so he would run away.

When he finally was diagnosed, he understood that he was hoping each relationship would not only help him, but save him from his PTSD -- suddenly making him eternally happy.

Due to my/his experiences, I say that a relationship can only help PTSD if the sufferer realizes the carer can and will be supportive, but cannot and will not be a superhero.

 

[Deleted member 1606]

I'm in my 40s and my PTSD has destroyed every long term relationship I've had. I've never been married.

A relationship is good as long as you're not using the person as a crutch. You have to be ready to accept the person into your life. Think about if this potential relationship and ask yourself if you'd be sucking his energy or if it would be mutually beneficial.

When you're comfortable enough, ask him/her.

When someone asks where his dad is you might say, "I don't know, but it's OK." In other words, head them off at the pass. As a PTSD sufferer, you may not be correctly seeing the difference between pity and actual, compassionate caring. Check in with yourself and the person to see which it is. Caring is good.

 

[Nicolette]

Will having a relationship help?

I've been pondering this question for some time and my answer is this....generally you enter a relationship to add value to your life. You should be happy within yourself and by yourself and the relationship "adds" to what you already have. It shouldn't make you happy....it should make you happier if you get what I'm saying.

In terms of PTSD, will having a relationship work.....

• the first question is do you want a relationship?
• the second question is why do you want a relationship?
• the third question is what do you want to get out of a relationship?

Once you then answer those questions honestly to yourself will you know if having a relationship will help.....just my opinion!

Will a relationship help PTSD....no.....a person suffering from PTSD must help themselves. A relationship can add value to your life as a sufferer of PTSD but it won't fix anything you don't have to fix yourself. It may help you feeling better about yourself socially. Ladybug I think that is what you are saying.... you think having a relationship will achieve a socially more comfortable situation for you in relation to those around you.

 

[bearbell68]

I'm 40 and my partner of 2.5 yrs has suffered from PTSD from the beginning. Maybe I should have educated myself better but I thought I was helping him by being there for him. He's tried several persciption drugs and none have helped. He's been to several different councelors over the last 1.5 yrs. The most current one, suggested he can't deal with being in a relationship until he deals with his on issues on his own.
So on our anniversary he broke it off with me. He made the spare bedroom into his living space. I need help! I don't know what I am supposed to do. We agreed to continue living together because I can't stand the thought of losing him totally. He said he just needs spave to work through his issues, and once he does we will get back together and on with our lives. He is unemployed and working around the house to pay for his room and board. Am I doing the right thing? or should we stay together and work together on this.? Any advice is very appreciated. I can't take the constant crying anymore. I love this man with all my heart. Someone please help.

 

[tardis]

I have PTSD and I am in a relationship, but my situation is a bit different as my girlfriend also has PTSD. So the both of us are sufferers, and alternately both carers to each other, depending on who is feeling better/worse on any given day. My girlfriend is in the management stage of PTSD though, she is well most of the time, and if anything I am learning from her how to better manage myself. Overall I reckon the relationship is good for both of us, but I agree with Nicolette that is something that is added to my life, rather than a help for my condition. Its certainly helpful to have such an understanding partner as my girlfriend, she knows where I'm coming from, but ultimately I have to work on myself. And if I ever forget that she reminds me, not so nicely always either. ;)