Can I Forgive Her For Passing The Complex Trauma Onto Me?

[Queen Boudica]

My mother, she's the main cause of my complex trauma. Her madness, left my sister dead of an overdose and me a shell of a person.

Before my sister died, she told me I should feel sorry for my mother, because she had suffered terribly during the Spanish civil war.

It's true, she must have suffered terribly. It was a terrible war. She was 10 and lost her father, who is probably one of those that they are now digging up in graves in spain. That father who was violent and abusive to his kids. After he fled, the family were made homeless and they were starving. And her mother died of TB. It is a horrible story.

She must have had complex trauma too. But I have complex trauma and I don't behave like she did. She was relentless, abusive, cruel, no compassion, controlling, inappropriate, sucking me into her evil thoughts. She fought with everyone, neighbours, family, friends. Our life was a nightmare.

Do her experiences in the war excuse her from her behaviour? Should I be able to forgive her?

But I can't. I am still terrified of her. And I feel guilty for not forgiving her. I feel guilty for everything

 

[intothelight]

Hi Lizio,

I am a parent and I have PTSD. But my rough past and my disorder, do not give me any excuse to be cruel or to inflict pain upon my family. In my personal opinion, her experiences in the war do not excuse her behavior. They may explain it, but they are not an excuse.

Forgiveness is for yourself as it frees one from bitterness. It does not mean that we view the past or their cruelty as acceptable, it just means that we let go of the anger, guilt and shame.

I hope you can forgive so that you can let your guilt go, as there is nothing that you are guilty of. But I understand that it is difficult, because there are many times I feel guilty for just existing.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[freakofnurture]

To understand how abusive behaviour comes to be doesn't mean to approve of it. To feel compassion for an abuser's own suffering doesn't mean to approve of them being an abuser! It's okay to have understanding and compassion; that's your humanity.

BUT no one has the right to hurt another person, no matter what they've been through! If you become an abuser because of the abuse you've been through, you (sadly) betray your own suffering and your own humanity. It's okay to disapprove, it's okay to cut ties, and it's okay to be angry; that's your humanity, too, your compassion for the victims and for yourself.

I'm still working on grasping these two things myself, and I have problems with guilt just like you do. You're not alone.

Practice these thoughts, that's what my T told me. Write them down, put them somewhere you see them often and use them to counter your guilty thoughts. Practice will make them feel less alien and take power away from the guilt.

 

[Lionheart]

Do her experiences in the war excuse her from her behaviour?
Should I be able to forgive her?

Her experiences in the war explain her behaviors, but they don't excuse them.

Do you want to forgive her? if so, why?...if not, why not?
You don't have to answer these questions for me, but rather ask them for yourself...what will it take for you to forgive her?

It has taken time and healing for me to be able to forgive my 'perps,' I don't know if you will forgive or not, but I believe you can get to a point where you are able to. I also don't think it is necessary to forgive in order for you to heal, but I think it can free you from a lot of guilt and enable a better relationship with your mother, if that's what you want.

Best of luck whatever you decide,
LH

 

[jasmin]

I am struggling with the same thing.. but instead of my mother's trauma being the Spanish civil war it was child sexual abuse that drove her insane and led to her abuse and neglect of me.

freakofnurture put it really well think.. in terms of separating understanding and compassion from approval. I always felt as if they went hand in hand. I understand how and why it happened and I feel great compassion and empathy toward her.. but why does part of me still hate her immensely for it? Because I cannot condone it.

She had the choice to face up to what had happened to her and to try and heal and move forward but instead she let it drive her insane.

But I too am still trying to come to terms with how I feel about it.. the ye ol' tug o' war game.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I have complex trauma and PTSD and my mom did as well...among other things. I can find compassion for her, but I find more for myself. And finding compassion for myself as a child pushes me to strongly work for my own recovery so I pass as little onto my children as possible. My mom didn't do that, I am not sure why.

Forgiveness is for the person who was hurt, not for the person who hurt them. The abuser needs to find forgiveness for themselves, that is the only thing that will help them heal. If a person who was abused chooses to forgive, that is for their own recovery. I don't think it is a necessary part either. But some people feel the need to.

To me, forgiveness means very little. Self-compassion is the important part of recovery.

 

[Queen Boudica]

To me, forgiveness means very little. Self-compassion is the important part of recovery.

I think you are right.

I don't think I will ever forgive her now. Funny how this stuff all happens at once.

I found a tape of my sister yesterday that I had completely forgotten about. She is describing her illness. How as a child she was angry all the time because my mother was always angry and that is why she was so mean to me. And how my mother tried to control us. But she considered I was the lucky one because I got away because my mother ended up controlling her instead by putting her in a mental assylum. And how after she came out of the assylum she was so afraid and angry afraid it would happen again (and it did many times). How she never wanted to grow up because of my mother. And how my mother made her send me horrible letters after I left.

My sister was trying to explain this all to me in this taped letter. Saying how nice I had been to her and how I had tried to help her and get her to move on with her life. And I did I had forgotten how hard I tried to get her away from my mother's evil hands. But I could not do it. So I just cut myself off because they were damaging me in the process (little did I know just how much). But in the tape my sister finally sounded like she was getting somewhere, getting better. We were reconciling.

But just a few months later she was dead of an overdose. I cannot and NEVER will forgive my mother for that. She was still around her in those last few months. Hounding my sister about her useless boyfriend. I will never forgive her, ever.

I have to somehow find compassion for myself. I still do feel guilty because I could not stop what was happening to my sister. Because I was so damaged and afraid myself. My sister wanted me to meet up with her. I phoned her, but I never met up with her because I was so afraid especially that my mother would be there. And now my sister is dead and I will never have that chance again.

Finding self compassion is so hard.

 

[SimplyComplex]

My sister died as well, in part due to my mother's craziness and neglect...ok in total. My mom had Munchhausen by proxy tendencies and encouraged very unhealthy behavior when my sister had a chronic illness (my sister had asthma and my mom started both of us smoking young to control up and hang out with us). My sister seemed to suffer from depression and other issues that are associated with growing up with abuse and neglect. She died when she was 17 from asthma...it would never have happened if she had a mom who was even slightly competent.

When you grow up like we did, you kind of become ship wreck survivors together. And when your ship mate dies...it changes everything. It is hard not to feel survivors guilt. Best of luck to you on working through that. It sounds like your anger is totally understandable and valid.