Can I Help Bring Him Back?

[Francis Cory]

I actually have a few questions for those of you with PTSD. I hope that I am not asking too much but I honestly have no one else to ask. So my husband has PTSD and goes through these umm...phases I suppose where he kinda disappears for a while. Every time, other than this time, that he goes into this phase he leaves me. Says he wants a divorce and he is not happy. Well this time he didn't leave which I am so happy and thankful for, and to me that shows growth and some success. However, he says that he is angry and disconnected which I know is from the PTSD. But he does not want to talk to me because he says that everything ends in us arguing. Which when he's not in this phase we rarely argue, we are always so good together and all of my friends say that they can not believe this happens every time it does. He also does not want to spend any time with me, hold me, or show me any affection at all. My question is what can I do? If you have a spouse what helps you that he/she does? If you do not have a spouse feel free to throw out some advice anyways lol.

Also, if anyone has an idea to what he is feeling please try to help me understand. He tries to explain but I don't get it. I don't understand how he could treat me like this. I understand that he is going through a lot, but I guess I think it would bring us closer from him seeing how much I am here for him and love him. Yall should know that I am a bit of a needy person or at least to him I seem that way. I just want him to talk to me and hold me but he can't. And I just don't know why. The silence is killing me, the way he speaks to me hurts, and I constantly feel like today will be the day he leaves. I know it sounds a little silly but the mornings are the worst for me. Because when I wake up he is already at work and I wake up alone. So ever morning I worry that he is upset with me or leaving me again. And if he doesn't respond to my text I have panic attacks and it's just awful. I have been staying a lot more calm lately and working hard to give him his space. I dont' ask him if we are ok anymore, I don't beg him to tlak to me anymore, and I try to avoid most comments he makes because I don't want to argue. Any advice on how to save my marriage yall? Lol...Thanks for reading!

 

[TLight]

Francis;
I've been with my now husband for three years.
I've threatened to leave at least once every two weeks for the entire time.
I still, to this day, take off my wedding ring and hand it back.

I know it seriously hurts him, although not as much in the beginning.

PTSD suffers, and me, who has had multiple traumas, multiple stupid relationships where I was used, and never had an example of someone valuing me....well, I just don't trust anyone. Even after three years, I believe he is going to damage me eventually, and I just can't take it.

Sometimes (most of the time), I truly feel I can't even love. I'm isolated, even when around others. Everything in life seems to be a loss, and that's what has always happened and it just seems inevitable it will happen again.

I'm sorry he's like this, but I truly understand why he is. It's like it is raining hard and it will never ever stop, it will always rain. Plus, if your life is at all complicated or unsteady, it may seem too stressful for him to even talk.

Not much help, I know. I wish I could feel. I wish I could truly love. I sorta remember being able to in the past....but I'm just numb. I'm with the most steadfast, willing, and loving person in the world, and if stress comes up, decisions, life.........I retreat. Seems the only way I can live and be comfortable in any way is to be alone. People, dogs, dishes...everything is overwhelming. Bed or death seem the only ways I can deal.

Hang in there. I know I didn't give much hope...but without you, he'd be lost. I think he probably knows that and won't leave. He's just coping and we hurt the ones we love. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I do to my husband. Self-destruction that affects others. My husband seems to always realize its the PTSD and he just kinda gives me space and waits for his wife to return. I do.......sometimes it takes days, but I do.

 

[Gamereign555]

I have been stressed to the point of suggesting that it might be best for me to leave. That I and my symptoms and inconvienience was just too much and that she would just be better off without me. A couple times I have thought that, but I decided that it wasn't a rational thought.

I do know that its common for couples to argue, the thing is the arguing can be very triggering, resulting in a downhill slope of stress and anxiety and the symptoms that come with your ptsd sufferer. Maybe he is dissociating while you are trying to interact with him, I sometimes get annoyed when somebody comes walking into the room and starts talking to me, my only thought is that I want nothing to do with it, same goes for touching. But it's not all the time...I really don't know what to say because I have never actually wanted that much space from my partner.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

He didn't leave this time. That means he is closer to you. Maybe next time or the time after he will talk to you. He's letting you in a little bit more. Don't try to push further. Just be there. When he comes out of the phase... talk to him and ask him what you an do when he's in a phase to help. Right now he's doing everything he can to cope with the PTSD roller coaster. He won't have the energy to deal with reassuring you.

It's kinda like when someone gets sick. Some people want to be babied. Other people want to be left alone. If you try to take care of the ones that want to be left alone... you get your head bit off. If you leave the ones alone that want to be babied... you get your head bit off. Each person is different. If someone was sick, you wouldn't expect them to get up and cook you dinner... would you? That's kinda what expecting someone who is dealing with PTSD symptoms to do when you expect them to talk to you when it adds to their symptoms. If he can't give you a hug... get one from a friend. Take care of yourself during this "phase". Then when he comes back from it... talk to him and ask what you can do to help for the next time.

I hope this helps a little bit. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Tiger

 

[Nemi]

Francis, your relationship reminds me a lot of mine, except the other way around. :)

I don't know what your husband has been through, but being affectionate while sad is just odd to me due to the fact that I never learned to share my feelings. My instinct is to pull away immediately, and just be alone with my thoughts. Could this be what your husband is feeling? In a situation like that, being really close to another person, talking about my problems, hugging etc. just makes me uncomfortable and even more irritated. This inevitably results in me freaking out over minor things, being mean to my boyfriend, and a lot of other stuff.

When you think about it, being put under pressure while in a bad mood can have devastating results, even for someone without PTSD. So when your husband does something hurtful, I think he's oversensitive because he is going through a phase, which could explain why he acts the way he does.

I'm sure your husband doesn't want to hurt you at all, he just has too many things to deal with. It seems like you are making progress by giving him time to himself, which is awesome!

Something I have a really big problem with while being unusually down, is holding a conversation with my boyfriend because it can quickly get out of hand. He says something that irritates me and I just fire back with insults and whatnot. Deep down I do want to share some stuff, but not others, it just becomes too much at once and his comments drive me crazy, so we always end up fighting. One thing you can do (and you really shouldn't be forced to take this advice!) is maybe speak to him when he is feeling better, and decide that, when he is feeling bad, and wants to reach out to you without risking the "consequences", he can write down his thoughts for you to read. That way he can gather his thoughts in peace. Or you can make a deal that he will speak and you are not allowed to interrupt him until he is done. Does that make any sense? Lol. :) I don't know if this advice is of any use to you, but maybe it can be to others.

 

[KellyA]

Francis: What you have here sounds a lot like my situation, except that I am not married to my guy. He has combat-related PTSD which cycles up about every four months and is rather ugly for both of us in separate ways. It's like yours, betweeen "phases" everything is great, but when it rears its ugly head, he denies having feelings for me, denies our relationship, etc. That is very hard for me to understand and of course is also very hurtful. Not to mention that my regular relationship needs are not being met at these times, like what you metioned. When this happens, I basically remind myself that anything said or done during the "phase" is not the truth, it's the PTSD causing the reaction. And you can analyze each part and cause and symptom until you're blue in the face and not understand because you don't have the condition yourself, but I've found that it's helpful to remind myself that it IS a condition that he has, and it's not something he can fully help. I tell myself something like, Well if he was blind, I wouldn't be upset that he couldn't see. PTSD is a little more complex than that, but means the same for the other person: there are going to be times that he just ... can't. Not won't, but can't. I agree with TLight's post and I bet he'd be lost without you. Judge your relationship on the good times, and during the "phases", I'd just recommend giving him space. I know that is like the exact opposite of what you personally need, but the fact is you are with someone who isn't always going to have the ability to provide for you in that way. When this happens, come on here and talk to us.
P.S. Right now is a "phase" for my guy; I just discovered the forum and reading everyone's experiences and words is making me feel so much better about my choice to stay in this relationship.