Death Cancer took my love away

[WanderingSoul]

It's been seven months now. She went in for checkups yearly to make sure there was no cancer. She had many unfortunate ER visits complaining about internal pain they could never find. I would go with her. They never found anything although she was getting very sick the last year. By the time they found spots in her liver they told us she maybe had two weeks. She was very angry and frustrated over all she went through by that point. We had to make sometimes weekly ER trips for her dehydration issues. It got so bad it took the best doctors to find her veins as they rolled. I've never seen anyone have to get poked with a needle over and over. She cried so much in the ambulance ride to the hospice that she was dying. She was waking up confused and in pain in the hospice. I slept there every night in the room to be sure she had what comfort we could offer her until the end. I never could of imagined it could happen so rapidly. We had gone through so much together and made so many plans. I've never woke up crying in my life, but I still seem to be going through that. I wake up calling out her name. She went through so much pain. I had asked the doctor at the hospice when will we know she has had enough pain. The doctor told me it was hard to say. I didn't like that answer. So I called her sister and mom and they came down right away. She went through enough distress living, we didn't want her to suffer while she died. I held her hand as they gave her the bolus shot. It seemed to have less and less affect as she tried to force herself out of bed. I've been through so much trauma already. And watching someone I love and respected and wanted to share life with suffer like that. I don't know what to make of anything anymore. Doctors want me to take drugs with side affects. I disagree with altering my mind with experiments. What good would that do? I'm not depressed for no reason. I'm depressed because I've seen trauma after trauma and I don't know what it's doing to me. She was 28 years old and full of life. She had finally got more hours on her schedule at work. She put in so much effort in life. I can't believe what I witnessed her suffer through. It was the most difficult thing I could ever imagine going through. Helplessly watching someone you love so much suffer.

 

[AnD]

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you both suffered. The pain you are suffering.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I'm not depressed for no reason. I'm depressed because I've seen trauma after trauma and I don't know what it's doing to me. She was 28 years old and full of life. She had finally got more hours on her schedule at work. She put in so much effort in life. I can't believe what I witnessed her suffer through. It was the most difficult thing I could ever imagine going through. Helplessly watching someone you love so much suffer.

I am so very sorry that you lost her so young. I am so sorry for her long suffering in her illness and I understand that kind of love for a devoted soul mate.

I was married for thirty six years to my soulmate who got sick with dementia and I watched him suffering losing more and more of himself each day until he died at home with hospice three days later.

It has been almost five years since I lost him and I am finally begining to heal and rebuild a new life for myself.

Right now you are in deep grief and probably still shock and perhaps experiencing some caregivers burnout maybe too.

You do have a reason to be depressed. It is very long, difficult and hard beyond words kind of hard, to go from a us to an I. It takes a very long times to just get used to so many new things about your life now.

I realize just how much you love her still and I too understand what it is like to have your plans made together to fall to dust. It is different for you in that she was so young. I imagine that you have a great deal of anger towards her doctors as well. If you need to vent and have someone to listen just pm me okay.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[WanderingSoul]

Yes grief, schock, I suppose care giver burnout. It was hard for us to try and survive being in and out of the hospital all the time. We went through a lot of sickness together for some reason. Our lives were at our peak when we met. It's hard to imagine we would both end up so sick for different reasons. I was always big into health plans too. I could say more but I'm struggling in the moment and I am at a loss for words at times. Thank you for the responses. I would like to believe love is eternal. I would do anything for her as she did for me. Not many people find confidence in another like that in life. She was angry at the doctors to be honest. I always wanted to believe they did the best they could. Yet I wondered sometimes as she did. One of the oncologists had asked me if they could have permission to do some extensive autopsy after she died and I was mortified. I avoided the question and let her family respond to it. She had already picked out what she wanted us to do after her passing and that is what we did for her.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Take really good care of you now.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Incredibly sorry for your loss. You're definitely grieving and in shock. Questioning is normal and healthy.

My experience about medications for grief. I was offered medications for grieving too. Several therapists have told me that antidepressants don't really work well for grief and the depression which follows it. Those are normal/healthy parts of grief. And I found they were right.

@Rain , such beautiful words you wrote to a fellow sufferer.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I’m so sorry for your loss. In today’s society and medical advancement this, to me, is unacceptable. They should have found the cancer sooner. Just unacceptable!!! I’m so sorry you and she had to suffer through this.

 

[LuckiLee]

Condolences to you and your family. So very sorry she suffered as she did. You were blessed to have each other.

 

[Mach123]

I'm sorry.

 

[WanderingSoul]

It's still very hard for me to understand any of it. How she was in pain for so very long in life after a surgery that was supposed to save her life from cancer many years ago. She spent half her life in and out of the hospital getting check ups or scans. She was such a hopeful person when I met her. But her pain never went away. It got worse and worse until they found something they missed for years. They removed an abscess that was long and thin and wound around a muscles through her thigh bone. I remember us hoping that would be the final surgery she needed to end her pain and let her live her life so she could enjoy her twenties. The surgery worked for almost an entire year she finally had no more terrible pain. Until it slowly returned and she again started falling into hopelessness. Arguing with me that I should keep my distance and prepare for her to have to die. All the scans she had after that surgery they still found nothing. They would tell her it could be ghost pains and her reliance she had on painkillers all those years while they tried to find the underlying cause. She was mad and it was very hard to watch her light and hopefulness dwindle into anger and then pain. She was so loving and kind. I am somewhat horrified. Yet she had told me it would be too hard for most of the people she knew to watch her go through it. After all I had been through before I met her and with her, I guess she hoped I was strong enough to face this. But to be honest. Helplessly losing someone you love to such an aweful and painful looking way. Not only did I think the whole time she would have fair warning of the cancer, I also hoped a better method to transition into dying from it without it appear to be torturing whats left of the person you loved. She was in pain so very long. And for that same pain to over come her like that in the end. All I could do was stay away every hour in the hospice to get the nurse to keep her comfortable. Sometimes I feel like she was the only reason I lived this long. Just to help her through that. Now that she is gone I feel like half a person with half a life left to figure out. I am having trouble looking forward to any kind of future at times. If she suffered so how could I expect any better. The thought passes my mind. Yet I am happy she is not suffering false hopes in a disabled body anymore. I suppose she is free.