Can't Accept Apologies During Emotional Flashback

[LizBeth1]

Hi all -

Have you had this experience? I was telling my partner in therapy about something he did that upset me. The anger was massive because it was pulling in past traumas from my parents dismissing my needs, so I was feeling all of that come up, and had a flashback. During the flashback, my partner was acknowledging my feelings, apologizing, etc. but because I was dissociated, I can barely remember him saying those words. He would apologize and I remember feeling this bottomless black hole of starved dissatisfaction inside, like no matter what right thing he said, I wanted to destroy it. So he was doing the right thing, but I was responding like an angry and starving animal lashing out. No matter what he did, it was never enough.

I assume what I was really doing was attempting to reconcile decades of anger at my parents, who never did apologize for any of their behavior. But it's really hard to figure this out. Has this ever happened to you? It really bothers me that I can't "hear it" when my partner is doing what he is supposed to do.

Thanks...
LB

 

[safenow]

I have found, for me, before I had good control of my PTSD, I lashed out at all the wrong people. Back then, I had no clue who to be angry at. I was learning that a lot of things were not my fault, but hadn't gotten enough help yet to know who I should really place the blame on.

I've only had people apologize that I didn't really think needed to apologize. LOL. The ones who should have, never did.

 

[LizBeth1]

I know what you mean! Been there too.

Well... my partner did do something pretty crappy that was similar to what my parents did. So he actually did owe me an apology ;) but I just found myself mowing him down anyway even though he was doing what he ought.

 

[Jlso111187]

I have also found my self in the places of you two. I lash out all the time for the littlest things ofton. I feel bad for doing it but I cant control it.

I, agree with safenow when said the ones who should be apologizing dont. I want an apology from my abusers but none of them think they did anything wrong. I have it planned that once my grandma dies as she is very sick that I am outting my uncle for the pervert he is and in a sense Im hoping for an apology from him for robbing me of my safety within family, my childhood, myself respect. But in the same sense I'm not gonna hold my breath because I don't think I will ever get one. I'm sure it will be denial after denial and me getting outcasted by that side of my family. Even though I am not the only one who he did this to but I dont think my sister or my cousin are going to stand behind me and say that this happened. But they may I dont know.