So, sometimes I have flashbacks during sex and I'm gone. I'm in the flashback. I know it. My husband will ask if I'm okay or want to stop and I won't answer because I feel I deserve what's happening to me and i almost dont want to stop even though its horrible( the CSA.. not the present sex). It becomes a reliving of punishment that i feel i deserve. Im both in the past and present..more the past. Usually ends with me coming out of it and crying. Okay I understand that experience well enough..
But there are times when my husband will initiate and I'm not in a flashback. I'm just not into it, but I can't stop it. He may ask if I want to stop and I can't say no and can't say yes. I might shrug or say something vague or give a one word non answer. I don't feel in full control of myself and my ability to just say no. I feel semi frozen. Obligated. Freezing is one of my major PTSD symptoms. Like full on freeze, can't move my body, when a new memory hits or whatever. But this is almost like a half freeze. There are times I'm fully with it and can easily say no. During these times I feel I don't have a choice...maybe it's more an emotional flashback?
I'm trying to understand it so I can find a way to stop it. When I just lay there and let it happen, even half hearted participate even though I don't want too I end up feeling used, gross and dirty after. I have to wash and I feel anger and resentment towards my husband like he raped me or something. But he didn't. I know we need to have a discussion about this when I'm fully present. I've told him no plenty of times when I'm fully present. But, this is complicated and I feel like i need to understand it so I can figure out how to handle it.
Obviously I can take it to Therapy...but this is a super hard conversation for me. Anything sexual fills me with shame to talk about. I'm slowly improving but not there yet.
But there are times when my husband will initiate and I'm not in a flashback. I'm just not into it, but I can't stop it. He may ask if I want to stop and I can't say no and can't say yes. I might shrug or say something vague or give a one word non answer. I don't feel in full control of myself and my ability to just say no. I feel semi frozen. Obligated. Freezing is one of my major PTSD symptoms. Like full on freeze, can't move my body, when a new memory hits or whatever. But this is almost like a half freeze. There are times I'm fully with it and can easily say no. During these times I feel I don't have a choice...maybe it's more an emotional flashback?
I'm trying to understand it so I can find a way to stop it. When I just lay there and let it happen, even half hearted participate even though I don't want too I end up feeling used, gross and dirty after. I have to wash and I feel anger and resentment towards my husband like he raped me or something. But he didn't. I know we need to have a discussion about this when I'm fully present. I've told him no plenty of times when I'm fully present. But, this is complicated and I feel like i need to understand it so I can figure out how to handle it.
Obviously I can take it to Therapy...but this is a super hard conversation for me. Anything sexual fills me with shame to talk about. I'm slowly improving but not there yet.
