Hi,
I have been reading this forum for a few weeks, looking up various topics and it has been really helpful to read and see the support that people offer each other. I was diagnosed about a year ago. Since going on medication, the night terrors have stopped (thank God). I don’t really think I’ve taken my diagnoses seriously, though. I’ve mainly been doing a lot of sex addiction recovery in group therapy as well as individual counseling. A few weeks ago I finally came out and talked about my diagnosis in my group and it turns out that our group therapist has PTSD and that is one of his areas of focus! He talked to me after individually and was telling me all kinds of things and I kept thinking “How does he know this stuff about how I think?” I think it was surprising to talk to someone that took it seriously and I felt like they knew what they were talking about. Anyway, it was pretty startling and I’m feeling that my PTSD is a major area to start working on. I don’t really want to. I still feel really closed off. It is draining and exhausting to push through the shame with my therapist and in group. I dissociate when I talk about certain things and have panic attacks the deeper I go. It is hard and I feel scared and confused. A lot of this is especially hard as a man, I feel like I should be strong and confidant but dealing with the PTSD make me feel small and vulnerable and childlike. I absolutely hate it. In our couples therapy I feel stupid and slow in front of my wife and our therapist. I had a panic attack last session when we started talking about some very early memories I have of watching some neighbor girls touch each other. Those memories have been unearthed recently. My therapist thinks there is some kind of abusive power dynamic that was going on (like I was being forced to watch them). I don't really remember, I was between 2 1/2 and 5. I talked with my therapist about EMDR and he said he doesn't think I'm ready because of my struggle with control during sessions. He says I probably won't benefit unless I can "buy in" to the process more fully.
Anyway, I feel really overwhelmed with everything. My story has a ton of emotional and spiritual abuse components and a lot of pornography and self-punishment. Really shameful and I wish I could just make it all go away, but I can't. I have to move forward and feel like this is a good place to help me open up more and ask questions.
Thanks!
Justin
I have been reading this forum for a few weeks, looking up various topics and it has been really helpful to read and see the support that people offer each other. I was diagnosed about a year ago. Since going on medication, the night terrors have stopped (thank God). I don’t really think I’ve taken my diagnoses seriously, though. I’ve mainly been doing a lot of sex addiction recovery in group therapy as well as individual counseling. A few weeks ago I finally came out and talked about my diagnosis in my group and it turns out that our group therapist has PTSD and that is one of his areas of focus! He talked to me after individually and was telling me all kinds of things and I kept thinking “How does he know this stuff about how I think?” I think it was surprising to talk to someone that took it seriously and I felt like they knew what they were talking about. Anyway, it was pretty startling and I’m feeling that my PTSD is a major area to start working on. I don’t really want to. I still feel really closed off. It is draining and exhausting to push through the shame with my therapist and in group. I dissociate when I talk about certain things and have panic attacks the deeper I go. It is hard and I feel scared and confused. A lot of this is especially hard as a man, I feel like I should be strong and confidant but dealing with the PTSD make me feel small and vulnerable and childlike. I absolutely hate it. In our couples therapy I feel stupid and slow in front of my wife and our therapist. I had a panic attack last session when we started talking about some very early memories I have of watching some neighbor girls touch each other. Those memories have been unearthed recently. My therapist thinks there is some kind of abusive power dynamic that was going on (like I was being forced to watch them). I don't really remember, I was between 2 1/2 and 5. I talked with my therapist about EMDR and he said he doesn't think I'm ready because of my struggle with control during sessions. He says I probably won't benefit unless I can "buy in" to the process more fully.
Anyway, I feel really overwhelmed with everything. My story has a ton of emotional and spiritual abuse components and a lot of pornography and self-punishment. Really shameful and I wish I could just make it all go away, but I can't. I have to move forward and feel like this is a good place to help me open up more and ask questions.
Thanks!
Justin
