Can't Fake It Anymore

[Dana1010]

They just ignored me after what felt like a very uncomfortable pause. The discussion broke up as people found things to do in the kitchen etc.

Yep, I know this reaction too well, and it has come after just skimming the surface of what my childhood was actually like. Imagine if they knew all of it? Would they have me quarantined somewhere?

 

[Deleted member 23044]

Sometimes it honestly feels like people get jealous when you break the silence- like they've learned to suffer silently all of their lives without support, so why should you be any different? Why should you be allowed to speak freely when they only know how to suffer silently? And because you opened up, they use that information against you because they are jealous of any attention or empathy that you may have ever received because you are brave enough to be so open- and they may even call you attention seeking, etc. in order to make you feel guilty for gaining any empathy or attention you ever received... simply because they are jealous.

TBH, they're just jealous. At least sometimes.

 

[Whirlwind]

Imagine if they knew all of it? Would they have me quarantined somewhere?

Isn't that the truth? Maybe there is some truth if we meet some of our "own kind" we can just be ourselves. As we all feel here, it is highly unlikely whatever you were too share with someone like me, I wouldn't have you quarantined, or at least we'd be headed out on the same bus :)

And because you opened up, they use that information against you because they are jealous of any attention or empathy that you may have ever received because you are brave enough to be so open- and they may even call you attention seeking, etc.

Interesting perspective, attention seeking no, if anything the opposite.... if I were to hazard a guess, I almost feel like she finally has something "on me", not that I have ever felt any competitiveness from her, that's one thing liked about her.. She's retirement age, and all of them are rather charming and very adept at social interactions so I can't chalk this up to a verbal fumble.

I wish I could go back to denial sometimes. It's the only thing that ever worked.

I understand, its the same for me.

Take care, Whirlwind

 

[shimmerz]

I did 'normal people' for a long time. I didn't have a 'story' at the time. I was just Shimmerz. My successes overrode my idiosyncrasies (of which there were quite a few) so people were willing to overlook them. I fit in but it was a lot of work on my part tbph. I had my normal friends and I had this 'other side'. A girlfriend used to live beside me. She hid in closets. She was over one night when I had a 'normal' girlfriend over. Of course my normal girlfriend asked about her family. Verbal diarrhea happened at that time. We were overwhelmed - we just couldn't fathom what she was saying. A silence did ensue but I have to say it was more about us processing than our thoughts on her. I keep that experience in mind when I 'share'.

 

[Tinyflame]

Except when I originally lied to cover stuff up, which necessitated more lies of course, I don't any more. But I also felt obligated to answer truthfully. I still do, but now my answer may be not to answer. However, I guess I realize I don't have much strength or energy to fight appearances, as it were.

 

[y5L]

I work in customer service and am having a harder and harder time faking it. My boss doesn't understand it- especially where I won't answer the "how are you" question.
It's just really hard...

 

[intothelight]

@Dana1010

I could go into a bar and meet someone and when they'd look at me and say, "What's your story?"

People can asks questions, but it is up to us to reveal as much or as little as we want. There is nothing wrong with being private. Personally, I will share in real life with those I trust, otherwise its not anyone's business.

I wish I could get dressed right now and go out for a drink and meet someone and just conceal everything about myself, laugh, drink.

Perhaps "your story" is just to go out and have an enjoyable evening. Turn the tables and ask them their story. Most people can talk forever about themselves and even to carry on a conversation there isn't a need to lie or reveal. Going out and having a good time is great and that is enough story in and of itself.

 

[Dana1010]

@intothelight, the problem is I've been lying for so long even "being private" and prevaricating piss me off because it's driving home the message, "You're not acceptable as you are. You have to hide." I don't have the patience for an inauthentic moment from anyone anymore. It's not a good time for me to go out and dodge their questions so I can bask in the glow of false acceptance. I have to lie about my whole life so I can sit at the table and talk sh*t with you? I know what they're driving at when they start asking their questions. No one is ever just "making conversation." They are trying to gauge things about your "quality" and put a label on you. Then everything you say and do is viewed through that lens. I am ready to snap when they start in: "Where did you grow up?" "Where did you go to school?" "What were your parents like?" Why do I have to lie to you about things that happened to me when I was a helpless child? Why do my parents' failures reflect ill on me as an individual? You're going to judge me for things that happened through no fault of mine? F*ck you.