Can't Stop Feeling Ashamed/depressed About The Past And Feeling Insecure About Not Being A "man"

[Deleted member 1860]

This is just my observation, but it seems that for many, there is a polarization. What I mean is that you can become just like your abuser (or worse), as that's what you grow up knowing as "normal", or you can see it (and them) for what it/they are and you swing to the opposite end to ensure that you are NOTHING like them.

For example, my grandfather was a narcissist, and my mother is just like him. I was able to see her for what she was worth way back when I was a young child, and I knew then that I had to fight like hell so that I wouldn't be anything like her. I've actually swung in the opposite direction This is actually an issue because I despise anything that makes me feel even remotely selfish, even things that fall well within the realm of self-care and personal rights make me feel selfish. But, I rather have this struggle than the other.

 

[Glen Myers]

I am actually not mad at the fact that they could have hurt me more I am mad at the fact that they had to dehumanize me and make me feel ashamed, like I wasn't a man.

Thank you though, for pointing out the fact that I am NOT the same kid I was when I made those decisions it really helps because it reminds me that I'm a different person now because of my experiences and I have grown.

Albatross, what I have learned from this experience is how to detect ha ostile instigator from far away just by the energy they give off. I have been able to avoid many situations where I could have been hurt or I've gotten in trouble just because of someone with a chip on their shoulder. I decided that emulating people from the head was mainly because people give them respect, girls like them, and they seemed pretty content always having new basketball shoes and clothes to impress the girls with. Also in the movies they always walk around in a cocky manner while people just stayed out of their way.

 

[The Albatross]

Okay.. fair enough. How does that best serve you moving forward?

 

[Glen Myers]

In the area there wasn't really much thought about "moving forward" in terms of living a life within the law. People were just living in the now (or at least the group I was involved in ). It was admired to be drug dealer or offer some other illegal service because we were all teenagers and we thought the criminal lifestyle was glamorous because it didn't require an education and you could get started at any age, working your way up and eventually being like the "OG's" on the block who had cool cars and jewlery (didn't realize they were drug addicts yet)

At the time I had this D-U-M-B idea that I have to be mad at society because I was a minority and I played the whole victim role like thinking things along the lines of "the white man gets all the good jobs and all the black/hispanic people are forced to live in poverty, the only way to make it out is through illegal means"

Like you when you were younger, I consider this my "warped perception". At this time I did not take into consideration all of the white people living under the poverty line and colored people with PhDs living in the suburbs. I saw things as a black and white, no gray areas.

I wanted to put myself in a position, like I said before, Where I could say that I came from a really bad situation or area and that I had to survive. There was a certain appeal that had to me, to be able to talk about needing to survive in situations using primitive means. ever since I was a kid, the warrior was my definition of a man.

Why that certain persona appealed to me, I will never know, perhaps it's the glory of being the underdog who overcomes situations or is put into scummy environment and still ends up being dominant within that place. I don't know how I feel about putting these thoughts up online but they've been locked up for so long, they need to come out sometime and somewhere

 

[The Albatross]

Congratulations for thinking it through a bit more. Hope it helps you.