Can't Talk Because Of Flashbacks And Disassociation

[Jane.l]

I am so frustrated ! I trust my T have a great relationship with him but when we try to talk about the traumas and flashbacks I either totally dissociate or get thrown into a flashback .

Either way as much as I need and want to I just can't say anything. He understands, he knows when I am 'gone' but I just don't see how I am ever going to get past this and that scares me.

He knows a lot of what has happened as I have managed to get it out in email but can't move forward because I freeze in session . Which makes me feel stupid and childish and scared I will never move on.

 

[arfie]

I get that stupid and childish feeling, too. It borders of full humiliation to find myself stuttering (literally) until I hit paralysis. My first step in getting past it is to address the self-loathing. It doesn't make me an evil creature. I can back up, regroup and try again. Beating myself up doesn't help. I am to where I can get past the self loathing before I hit paralysis. I call that progress.

Progress over perfection, Jane. You are still trying. That is good progress.

 

[EverOnly358]

Hi Jane,

Um... I feel stupid, childish and scared every single time I go to therapy. Most of the time you can drop the "scared" and replace it with "terrified."

I'm not at all sure if this will help... but when I'm completely terrified about saying something in therapy, I write it down, for myself. Then I bring those sheets of paper with me, to have it there to read from, if I need to. But somehow, the process of writing down what I want to say to my T is helpful and I'm able to just talk instead. But it isn't easy at all! I do every little thing to make myself feel better. I hate eye contact, it's actually a trigger... so I don't even pressure myself. I look at the baseboards 6 feet away from my T. But I get out the words. Somehow. I focus again and again on the reasons I want to be healthy. And I usually go do something as a treat afterwards.

Best of luck, it *is* really hard, but I know you can find a way to do it!

D

P.S. Listen to @arfie, too, that's great advice... beating yourself up doesn't help. Try to find some other way around. Be kind to yourself. It's all incredibly difficult and you're very brave to keep trying.

 

[macca]

Sounds like your brain is desperate to protect you from going there - this doesn't mean you're stupid or childish, or that you're not trying hard enough - it means that your brain has reacted the way it's designed to do and is trying to keep you safe. (my T told me this yesterday). I've had stuttering and difficulty physically speaking as well, plus some dissociation, in trying to admit something happened, but we are not up to trying to process it yet. It's a long journey I think.

 

[EverOnly358]

Reading macca's post made me think... don't push yourself too hard. Maybe it's just not time yet. I mean, sometimes it's just too soon. You'll know when you're ready.

Best of luck!
D

 

[Dissociation]

Just do relaxing things, like autogenic training or a massage to your head (there are specific tecniques for PTSD) :sleep: .

If you can't talk, you can't talk!
;)

 

[Jane.l]

Thank you for your replies. I really try not be too hard on myself, I am trying to cope with ptsd, I am a mother to 3 children, I am separating from my husband who I have been with for 17 years, I have no family support because of the ptsd and family abuse issues and I have major trust issues. So I know I am doing the best I can.

I have coped on my own for so long and kept it all in for so long that now I can't get it out !!

Macca I think you are right my brain is trying to protect me, I dissociated a lot during the abuse and I think it's been a good survival technique . Maybe I need to be more patient with myself, I just need to sleep without nightmares get through a day without flashbacks. Well you all know how it is.

But my T is amazing and I trust him which is just huge for me - huge and really scary but I feel so lucky he is on my side.

He says I can't talk about it because it just sends me back to being that scared little unprotected child and it does. I think I also have a problem with talking about it because my abuser tried to make me verbalise what he was doing to me .

Maybe I just need more time but I feel so on the edge I want to move forwards not backwards.

 

[Dissociation]

my abuser tried to make me verbalise what he was doing to me

That's really sadistic.

Maybe I just need more time but I feel so on the edge I want to move forwards not backwards.

You won't move backward if you simply take your time. Read what you just wrote in this last post and try to observe yourself from outside: you are amazing!

I also have to tell you that, when you will decide to began to talk, many times you will have the impression that you are worsening or that you are blocked, or other stuff: that will happen because you will accept to break the equilibrium you have now. You will accept to break your current equilibrium because you know that it isn't working anymore. You need to do something new. That's risky, your instinct is telling the truth, you instinct is workng good, like always ;) But your intelligence is telling another thing: you need to move forward, to go on, to evolve.

So, let your instinct and your intelligence show you the way, they both ;)

 

[Jane.l]

@Dissociation Thanks for that , it really makes a lot of sense .

 

[Dissociation]

Whenever you want :cool:

 

[EverOnly358]

I really try not be too hard on myself, I am trying to cope with ptsd, I am a mother to 3 children, I am separating from my husband who I have been with for 17 years, I have no family support because of the ptsd and family abuse issues and I have major trust issues. So I know I am doing the best I can. I have coped on my own for so long and kept it all in for so long that now I can't get it out !!

OMG! I could say the exact same thing... I mean, I'm a Mom of 3, too, I've been with my husband 17 years, and in the last two months we've gone back and forth from separated to not separated. The rest, too. I'm really struggling with having no family besides my husband and kids. I just wanted you to know you're not alone and you're doing great even through all this difficulty!

I'm so very sorry about what you went through as a child. That's just really horrible what happened to you. You're very brave to keep trying so hard to get past something so incredibly difficult. I'm happy to hear you really trust your T. Y'know, you can talk to him about this. I mean... about whether it's time to push through or whether you should just wait until you're more ready. Maybe just talking about it would help. Maybe there's some other insight he can provide in addition to being so understanding.

And keep taking care of yourself. When you're at your best, it's easier to work on these things. (Wish I would listen to my own advice!)

Best of luck,
D

 

[Jane.l]

@D123 we seem to have a lot in common ! and yes much easier to give advice than take it because it somehow seems clearer when
You are not in it, feeling it.

I have spent months saying ok this can't get any worse and then there is some other disaster so a lot of therapy sessions have been spent 'fire fighting ' the most pressing problem that day and as such it's been hard to focus on one thing.

My T was trying to wait for things to settle down before we did some of the tougher stuff but it became clear there just wasn't going to be a good time.

We tried a little EMDR but that brought up so much stuff, I have issues from a previous marriage as well as multiple childhood abuse that I just couldn't do it with the marriage breakdown too. So we agreed to leave that till I have moved out which should be soon now .

The reason we have been trying to tackle the flashbacks is because I have awful nightmares which mean I am only sleeping a few hours a night which make the days harder.

I can't do safe places or breathing exercises as other stuff comes in to my mind and freaks me out. Feel like my life is a total mess but keep fighting anyway.

Thanks for your kind words it's good to know people understand.

Good luck to you too