Can't Trust Anyone

[Chava]

It's really painful for me to even ask for help. An AA person was going to stop by today and didn't show up. Earlier in the week, after getting out of ER I left a message for a different AA person and didn't hear back. I'm not always clear in letting people know I'm struggling, but I think half of it is just feeling out whether or not I can trust people...and then when I feel like I can't, I feel how much I'm struggling. Like that's half the struggle. Not sure if I'm making any sense.

It's hard to rely on the structure of the 12-step program when it's so weak where I am at (very rural, I drive from my spot in the woods to a small nearby community).

I also don't feel okay talking to friends. I don't feel like I have any that are very close or that I trust. One was kind enough to want to visit after I got out of ER (I let her know because I needed someone to check on my pets if I was going to be staying there long). But she started telling me about another friend who has PTSD and has been suicidal. I think she was trying to relate or make me feel okay, but it just made me fear she'll tell others about her friend "Chava" who has complex trauma or PTSD and drinks Listerine when she's really f*cked up. Like maybe I'm a token mentally ill friend???

I really want to connect better to others, but growing up I learned that I had to suffer on my own, because usually my suffering was "my fault." But I don't know how to trust others. I try, like allowing this AA person to try to work with me, but when they don't show up it's worse than never having reached out in the first place. You know? It triggers really horrible and hard to contain feelings that I'm not worth helping, I don't exist, or that it is my fault and I deserve to suffer alone. Just...everything...

(thank god for my pets since they are uber stable and accepting, and I do feel like I trust my therapist, but need more regular community connections)

I want to break my arms and my hands. It's been a hard week and I can't do a meltdown right now. So I'm hiding and will maybe tape up my arms and hands.

 

[Flossy]

@Chava. Can you tense your arms and hands as tight as you can and hold it for as long as you can? The first tense might be short and not very strong. Do it again tighter and tighter. Hold it until you are holding your breath with the effort. Look at the veins and muscles. Squeeze and squeeze. Like you said to me. It has to be let out of our body. That would let it out. Taping them up seems it would hold it in. I love to look at veins in arms and hands. They look like tree roots to me. They look strong and amazing.

People now are so bad at getting back to others. So many mobile phones, such shitty etiquette. Maybe you could try adding. 'Please respond to this message' or something similar in your words that fit perfectly for you.

(Try the squeezing, please then use your arms to cuddle or pat your pets). I hope some of this helps. I'm still in bed starting my day and not awake properly yet

 

[CRPS]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this situation. I tried the coping suggestion and it helped get rid of some tension that I've been keeping bottled up.