Caonopic Jars

[The ANP]

I am becoming increasingly aware of my dissociation which I find disturbing. A recent EMDR session led to previously hidden knowledge about the time I was kidnapped, raped and tortured by a group of teenage boys. Since then I have been having increased dissociation. I have also been getting messages from my other self about canopic jars. The Egyptians used them to ensure immortality. They housed organs. The brain was pulled out and thrown away (my brain was destroyed in the event). 4 jars were kept housing heart (the seat of the soul), lungs, liver and kidneys. I learned about this in grade school. During my trauma, I made 4 jars and housed them in my body to find later. I opened the one in my heart. It housed mock executions and dehumanization at the hands of my torturer. I am having a f*cked up easer egg hunt in my own mind. Dissociation sucks.

 

[Ronin]

Well, that knowledge about canopic jars is incomplete & not entirely factually correct, however the more important meanings than the history-religious-ritual ones would be the ones you attribute to that symbolism & how it relates to your trauma so going with that.

What else did those jars house for you?
After all, in the original symbolism they're held as very sacred. Meaning they also hold something helping the person survive, in their completion, no matter how dead they are to the world around.

So what are the resources you can use with this hunting?

 

[The ANP]

yes I am sure my recollection of the meaning of canopic jars is incomplete based on what I remember from 2nd grade. In my trauma I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted by a group of teenage boys who sought to terrorize me. They convinced me I was going to die at the end of it. I am sure I was trying to preserve my soul, sanity and immortality. This one housed a torture event in which I was pulled naked out of a van in a remote area during winter and told I had to do something dehumanizing in order to be let back in (to the van I was begging to be let out of). It housed the remains of my sense of protection and the anchor of my mothers spirit watching over me which I had relied on up until that point and my torturer managed to destroy. I held the last pins of my sanity and the moment my mind snapped. Not sure what else is in there and based on my increased symptoms I need to wait awhile before I dig any further. I am having severe depressive, dissociative, disorganized, hyperarousal symptoms. On a 6 week wait list to see a psychiatrist.

 

[Ronin]

Yeah I apologize, I got that & I didn't mean to get into theoretical bullshit.

What helps you stabilize in the now?
Is there anything that soothes you and gives you a sense of more safety, or that you're not in then?