Changes, My Move, And Feeling Very Weird and Scared

[2notbedefeated]

I am very confused over what I am feeling and desiring. I feel very unsafe and want to run and hide. I want to stay in hiding and never come out. I feel overwhelmed and stressed.

My family and I will be moving to a new state that will be 8 hours from where we have lived for past 5 years. It looks like we will be making our big move on Feb. 15th or 16th.

I have been feeling such panic and grief the last couple of days. I'm feeling such fear and anxiety. If I take a moment to rest, then all my feelings flood over me and it is so overwhelming. I feel I can't cope. I feel like I can not handle this move and all the changes.

I'm freaked out about these urges and desires to want to see the man who abused me when I was 5-7 yrs old. I'm now 45 yrs old and I find this very disturbing to me and yet these desires for his touch are so strong. I yearn for sexual touch painful or not. I never knew the difference anyway.

I learned that even pain felt good, and it was certainly better than nothing. Today I have caught myself daydream about being with "Bob" and have his touch, both sexual and in other ways. I found myself aroused. This really disturbs me. This man was psychotic and hurt me physically, emotionally, and sexually. Yet, I long for his company and his touch, whether it was inflicted pain or it was pleasurable.

I feel so upset and panicked over this. I'm very ashamed and embarrassed to share this. I don't know what to do with all these coflicting urges and emotions.

I was a military brat growing up so moving should be no big deal. I never connected to people or places ever. I didn't even realize I had done this more recently where I have been living. So when I found out we would be moving at first I was alittle concerned, but nothing to difficult.

However, I have realized, due to strong emotions that are surfacing that I did actually begin to connect and invest in people and places here. I did reach out to others to make friendships and develop a support system. I actually found myself grieving the loss of some of my friendships.

This is something I learned to never do because we were always moving and I always thought what's the point. I did this without even realizing that was what I was doing. I never learned hout to emotionally connect or invest myself into anyone's life. It was too risky and painful.

I would play act the role of what others would expect of someone as theri friend, but that was it. No emotional feelings about just actions so I wouldn't end up total alone, even though most of this time I was alone. I didn't even think I knew how to emotionally invest and connect with others.

 

[2notbedefeated]

Changes, My Move and Feeling Very Werid and Scared - Part 2

I am so upset about leaving my therapist. I have seen may counselors over the last 10 years. He is the only one I felt comfortable being myself around. I felt safe to share my "soul" with him. I had never felt so accepted and understood by any therapist until the one I would now be losing due to our moving. I could share the craziest memories, feelings, and thoughts and know that I would not be thrown into a padded cell for them.

Now I have to find another back where I use to live in which all the couselors I went to in that area have not helped me, but made me worse. I don't know if I can go through this whole process of finding someone to see. Trying to decide whether he or she is safe for me. I'm scared and so upset.

Honestly, I don't feel I will ever find a T that was as helpful and understanding as he was. He knew without my having to say a whole lot what I was going through. He, himself was abused as a child and struggled with PTSD for a long time. He always worked with me and if he was available he would fit me in on a day when I felt like I was going crazy. He also works with me on payment, because insurance will no longer pay.

I have so invested and worked hard with people for the very first time in my life. Now it is going to be taken from me and I feel very panicked and scared to be left alone in all the chaos in my life personally and with my family. We were just beginnig to make alittle progress together as a family. My son being ADHD and my daughter being the sprirted child, I still can't quite handle them.

Well, I guess I've written more than I wanted or meant too. I just need somekind of feedback and helpful hints on how to get through this, if it is even possible, which right now I don't think it is. I just don't know if I have all that much energy to make all the necessary adjustments as we move. I am concerned for my two kids and their adujustment to a new school and neighborhood, and trying to make friends.

I feel so wiped out, and there is still so much to doto get ready for the move, both with arrangements, packing, etc, and the emotional stuff I'm experiencing as well.

 

[Larry]

God bless your heart. I have been dealing with my problems since 1996 (crime victim), no counseling or anything. I have nightmares 5 times a night and wake up in cold sweats, jerking. I am hoping to get some counseling from V.A. soon. I am so sorry that you have had a tough time and hope you find ways to cope. Raising a family on top of having PTSD is tough for sure. I am 53 and raised 7 kids, was shot at around 40 and have been going downhill since. Find another counselor and have faith that a new relationship will be established. If they are warm and considerate right up front that will tell you if they are decent, if not then move on. Good luck

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hang in there and take it one minute at a time. You can get through this just like you have gotten through other stressful situations.

I believe if you keep looking you will find a T you can connect with. He/She may not be the one you are leaving, but still can help you in different ways.

Just remember, when one door shuts another door will open.

Good luck
Tammy

 

[Mina]

Hi there, 2not -

I hope you don't mind, but I merged your two threads together into one - what you wrote wasn't too long, and I think in one thread you may get more responses and input on your situation. It was thoughtful of you to split them, though! :smile:

That said, I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on with your move. With so many changes on your plate, I think it's no wonder you are having such a tough time. Even without PTSD, moving and uprooting your life is a huge stressor!

A few ideas... Do you have any friends or work associates or people from church who could come over and help you pack or organize? Or perhaps watch your children while you deal with the preparations? Can your T contact whatever professional organizations he belongs to and perhaps get a good recommendation on a therapist? Would he be willing to pre-screen any of them for you over the phone, to see if he thinks their treatment approach and training is suitable for your needs?

Here's another question. What good might come out of the moving? Better schools, nicer climate, closer to <whatever>...anything? I know that's like saying, "What's the silver lining in this cloud?" But maybe if you could find even just a few small, positive things, it would not feel so much like everything is being 'taken' from you...it might make you feel like you have some measure of proactivity or control in the situation, instead of it just happening to you.

Hugs to you; hang in there, and keep us posted when you can.
Mina

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks everyone. All input is helpful, I can try and look at the pros to our situation. I'm frustrated that I have not been able to be on the forum very much because one thing after another comes up. The time I thought I had is gone.

I don't like feeling so out of touch with all the precious people here. The biggest pain is over a couple of close friendships I've had.

I've been PTSD-ing all over the place. Having hard time keeping myself together, Mina your suggestions are helpful, I will be doing some research.

We need to check out some houses and schools down there and so we have to leave super early on thursday 3:00am to drive an hour to get to the airport. We come back Friday afternoon. It will be a crazy time.

I gotta try to get s few hours of shut eye it is midnight here right now. Oh joy 3 hours of sleep and a maranthon day from looking at several house and checking other the schools to make sure we are comfortable sending our kids there. I'll try to sleep a few on the plane I guess.

I'll keep you posted. You guys are on only support right now until we move and get settled. I hope you will hang in there with me when my posting is few. Once settled I will be able to share and read more. Thanks again everyone!

 

[cragger65]

I'm with you 2Not!!! We'll all be here whenever you need us.

hugs and best wishes,
Dave

 

[2notbedefeated]

Hi guys,

I'm hurting and grieving deeply right now. I can't remember the last time I cried so much. I'm generally not one to show emotion, but this pain and grief has surprised me. I didn't realize how close I was to a few people and my church family until I realized I had to leave them.

Gosh I'm so swapped and overwhelmed with this move.

We flew down this past Thursday and came back homw friday. We looked at 3 houses and 3 different school districts. We picked a home and did all the paper work, certified check etc., - we thought we had the house. BTW I loved this house, view of lake, deck, fireplace, bright cheerful and spacious skylights on the high ceiling, a master bdrm with private bthrm and a tub with jets. Yeah, I knew it was to good to be true. I'm generally not one to desire these things, I 've lived simple all my life up to this point. I was just thinking how nice it would be to have a home like that, and then............

Found out the next day the owners where in the midst or foreclosure so, no home. Now where scrambling via phone with a realtor to find another house, so far every home we decide to go with doesn't work out, either it is another home under foreclosure or some other reason.

I guess I'm having alittle bit of a pity party. I was hoping for a nice change, a nice home that I've seen others have, but never lived in personally. I thought it would kind of make up for the loses I feel because we have to move. That probably sounds selfish. I do tend to look at and use "things" to try and fill the void I feel sometimes, cause I lived with this void all my life and that was one way I would try to make myself feel better.

I know things can never replace people and it is a temporary fix for "feel good injection" but it was such a nice dream I thought just might come through for me, well, it didn't so........... I am afraid to admit my feelings right now. This is negative to say, but it seems like things I desire so really happen for me. Sorry, just trying to be honest and yet its scarey and risky to put my feelings and thoughts out there like that.

I'm so discouraged. I have cried gallons over this past weekend. I went to a women's retreat my church was giving and I am so very sad to be leaving everyone. I didn't realize how attached I was to some people here.

That's a new one for me. I've never emotionally attached or invested/connected to other people and place, but somehow I did this time around - its my first time and it really hurts, which is also new, because I would not allow myself to feel before and now I do. I don't know if its worth the pain. Past relationships always seem to be empty and I felt I had to act the part of a friend, but never became emotional intimate with anyone.

The last time I felt this much pain was when my mom died in 1994. It hurts so bad and I feel just like the grief I went through when mom died. I've cried so much, and still am.

I don't know how much more sadness and pain or loss I can take. It's hard, my T says I need to be strong for the kids, and I'm trying very hard to do this. Packing is overwhelming. We have accumilated so much junk since we've been in our current home. (5 years). We have to be ready, packed and all, by this time next week.

I've been packing and packing since Saturday and we are still not even half way there yet. Moving guys say we should be packing 20 boxes a day in order to be ready by week from today. We are no where to that. I'm packing the majority of the day while kids are in school. I'm getting exhausted now though.

I just wanted to touch base, cause I probably won't have much time this week and next week too, I won't have internet access for a while probably. This is scary too, because I feel so alone and scared and isolated, and misunderstood, and empty. I want to chat with everyone here and I can't for obvious reasons right now.

Ugh,ugh, ugh, sigh, cry, and "oh how I want to hide" from all this. Pull the cover over my head and wish I could disappear. It's too much, it's to ovewheming and the stress is causing me to get triggered very easily. Loss, isolation, and loneliness haunt me. My pain haunts me. I'm trying so hard to stay ahead of it, but I know at some point (don't know when) it will catch up with me and then "boom" it hits me.

Well, I'm sorry I don't have anything positive to say right now. Sorry I don't have anything substantial to contribute or share, I'm just existing inside a bubble, or like an astronaunt on another plant. That is just how it feels right now. Weird, I feel weird and so scared and empty.

 

[Tinyflame]

You're not alone , 2.

Things will improve when they settle down and you can get some rest, too.
:Hug_emoticon: :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Mercy]

In an article I read a long time ago, I learned that the stress level associated with a move like yours is right up there with the death of a spouse. So, you bet you are in a stressful situation.

It will be relatively short lived. The stress level will gradually reduce as you settle in. And you are right, part of the stress is grieving your losses. Some folks with PTSD also have problems with object constancy, so forgive me if I state what seems obvious to some, but maybe not for others.

Your friends and church folks will still be where you left them.
You can call them and visit each other.
Taking pictures of your friends now will help later.

My heart is with you. We moved 14 x in 16 yrs.

 

[pandora]

I totally understand moving far away from everything you know..I moved clear across canada once and it was hard..I did adjust but I did end up coming home as the relationship I moved there for broke apart and he was the only reason I went.

I know that moving is stressful but take it one day at a time. I am moving again but in the same city I am in but packing is totally overwhelming. I hope things settle down for you soon and you find the perfect house!

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks all of you for your responses. It helps to know I'm not alone in all the chaos and sadness of moving. Still need to find a house.

Every day we find 5 or more houses to consider, but then find out from realtor that they have already been rented or undergoing foreclosure, allow no pets, or in a bad area (I have to young kids and one with ADHD so I want the neighborhood kids to be a good influence and to make sure the school has special classes to help my son), etc.

Today though it looks like we may have a house. I'll find out for sure tomorrow. Ugh, it is hard to wait. We are leaving this coming Monday. It's scary, and so hard to leave all the ones I have grown to love - which is a new thing cause I never attached to people and places and would have no feelings one way or another when moving. Growing up with a Dad in the military when moved every 4 to 5 years, so this should be "old hat" for me. It's not though.

It shows healing I guess to finally feel and attach to a few people. This 'feeling stuff" is totally new for me. I don't "do" it too well right now.

I am scared about finding another therapist. I lived inthe place we are moving too before and the counselor that I saw down there actually made things worse for me.

My current therapist said the were actually doing to me in a similiar way what my past abusers had treated me and that's why I was getting more confused and more "looney".

However, back then I had PTSD and no one knew it, and I was misdiagnosised and misunderstood by these counselors. They were "drug" happy and kept piling on the drugs.

Over a five year period I ended up on 8 different psych meds and I was so drugged I could not properly care for my kids. They thought about institutionalizing me as well. Now that's a scary thought.

Little did the realize that these drugs were all interacting with each other in ways that was making more symptoms then eliminating them. Well, long story short, this is what can happen if misdiagnosised and misunderstood.

Today I am off all that stuff and takig only sleeping pills, and occasional sublingual klonipin when too paincky. I am so much better. My fear is that I will go to that "place" where we are moving and seeing psychs and therapist that will not understand.

However, not that I know it is PTSD I know what to look for in a counselor. Well, I will touch base when I can. I think I rambled on in this post.

This whole move and all is just so scary and so very sad to leave friends and places I know. I will greatly miss my therapist he has helped me so much.