Changes, My Move, And Feeling Very Weird and Scared

[morgan]

Hi 2not. You are in my prayers and have been since before the move. It sounds like you are actually a little better. You are struggling but you are getting through this. I hope this new therapist works out for you. Who knows you might even do better with her. When one door closes, another opens. just go through the door. You will be okay.

Take care, Morgan

 

[2notbedefeated]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to say hi.

I guess my "tune" on how things are going right now is still basically the same. I have bouts of depression that make things hard, and panic that sneaks up on me and then pounces on me and I don't know what to do. I so miss my friends back at my previous home. People seemed to be more close knit to one another then they are here.

I've had a couple of - for lack of knowing what the Proper term is - regressive episodes, and body memories. I hate these things.

Does one ever get over having them? It is like I can feel my abuser just hovering over me and touching me, abusing me, etc., and I feel such strong feelings of being nasty, dirty, disgusting, trashy, ugly, so dirty, so full of shame, and so............. much fear. I can't stand it at times.

Has anyone here every had body memories and gotten free from them, and or stopped having them?

I go to "interview" a new therapist tomorrow. I'm very nervous about it.

I know my whole family needs major work. Yesterday I was so frustrated with my kids and husband. The family system is totally wacky and I know it needs to change but I just don't know how to make things better.

I am very lonely here. The area we have moved to is not to "friendly in a family way" if you know what I mean. It is much more urban like and less closely knit. I feel so empty. I try to get out of the house every day. It is hard sometimes, but if I stay inside then I sometimes start feeling fearful, creepy and empty. I can't stand those kind of feelings. I don't like feeling lonely.

I don't know I just feel nuts and crazy right now.

 

[goingonhope]

:hello:Hi 2notbedefeated,

What you've been showing up for, feeling and dealing with is quite a lot, as others have said, and as you well know.

Buying a new home and taking all the actions you're taking is extremely stressful, never mind Ptsd and with it it's regressive states of mind and emotion, ......and body memories.

Though I often feel anxious or guilty too for not having more strength or time to come online, log into the forum and communicate, there certainly is never any reason why you or I would owe an apology for not doing so. Many of us understand quite well.

Also, "Feelings are not facts." ...we've all heard this and with this knowledge we can take the pressure off ourselves for any feelings of unhealthy guilt, or thinking that we're bad, bc we're not there for everyone, everywhere, all-the-time, or some at all. We're not bad. It's easy to understand. In fact, I'm sure three-quarters of us would love to be, but it's simply not reality, and we get to live in reality.

You sound like you're doing a wonderful job with so many responsibilities. It's with the self-care, exercise, good nutrition, some enjoyment and rest that you may do well squeezing a little, each day into your life. Even the slightest amount, due to lack of time or anxiety counts. You can't be working all day while the kids are in school and then going another whole round at differing responsibilities once they arrive home. And, then yet again once everyone is in bed; We'd do best to make sure we're strong for our family; This is easier said then done, I know, but it's right on.

I loved reading this thread. It made me almost cry because of the beautiful honesty and your sincerity in sharing here. I'm so very proud of you!

So much of what you've written, I so understand and can live ......and (re-live), as well. Some times are better then others. Reading what you've shared, made me feel not so alone. Even here on the forum, I can often feel alone simply due to me being exhausted, spread to thin in life's responsibilities, and overwhelmed, ......and then feeling frustrated too and overwhelmed with feelings of desire and need for healing, change and growth.

Sometimes we've got to learn how to live in the moment, even when need and hopes for continuing change and growth are temporarily out of reach.

2notbedefeated, How did you do with the interview with the new possible therapist? .........Please feel free to take any amount of time you need to respond, to my question, or simply don't at all. What matters most is that you're showing up and taking actions and steps forward despite your anxiety and depression, and in addition to painful fears and feelings.

As for body memories, .......yes, I have had a number of them and though I don't desire to guess at or hold claim to knowing the future, these memories are not with me now; It's been sometime. Often too, they were re-experienced simultaneoulsy with the flashbacks / surreal images of the trauma, and the then person involved and certain manuevers.

Will be thinking of you and hoping you're finding some good care amongst everything and within what you're now accomplishing. :thumbs-up


Hope

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear 2, you are doing great. That is a monumental amount and degree of changes to have to contend with at once. My heart and prayers are with you.

Those feelings are just that, but they are not an accurate reflection of the truth about you. Your new T. will help you to see that , too. Just be yourself. They (I am sure) will give you credit for managing these circumstances and stress better than you might think. The energy required to go to a new T. will be replaced with relief as things make more sense and become more manageable.

Things are going to get much better, just remember that. Baby steps and one step/day at a time.
XOX

 

[cragger65]

It's so heart-warming to see this rally of support here for you 2Not. I hope it helps get you through. It is so nice to see you out here again. I hope you can believe what others are telling you, because you really are doing very well considering all the changes you are facing. I know it must be very hard, but the feeling so down won't last forever. You're T will help, making even one friend can do wonders. Every little bit helps. I hope you're giving yourself some TLC, a hot bath or the occasional treat of some sort.

Hang in there girl,
Dave

 

[2notbedefeated]

Still trying to adjust to this new move. It is so stressful and my daughter is crying every night still, missing her previous home and friends and its hard to go through that every night, when I am feeling the same way.

We also lost our cat that the kids loved in our moving to a new place. That as been quite upsetting for my two kids who loved their cat greatly. Ugh, its hard to see your kids not happy and struggling, but its a life lesson for all of us I guess.

Still my hardest and most challenging issue in this move is trying to find a therapist that "knows what their doing" and "get it" when it comes to PTSD and trauma, plus sexual abuse. I haven't been able to find one that has the exprience working with PTSD.

Sure many have the "training" but it is rare to find one that has plenty of hands on experience with it. Ugh, so frustrating. Below is kind of how the last couple of weeks has been for me. I have had a really rough time the last 2 weeks, jsut so depressed, unmotivated, not able to pick up the phone. I run when the phone rings.

I'm sure I sound like a whimp who is letting my emotions get the better of me, but I feel it has been more than that. I feel all my pTSD issues are being sruffed down to try and get through the day, but when I do this it ends up hitting me in a** at some point later. I just have so much pain and crazy memories and flashbacks flooding me at times and it is driving nuts.

Where is my strength to tackle all this? I feel like I have been completed drained of it right now. I have no therapist to share all the pain and crap that keeps coming up.

A part of me wants to run and hide, and not talk with anyone. It has gotten worse, and being so unmotivated to do anything is rough. I just feel so weighed down with frustration, loneliness, confusion, and big time stress with life and kids, and taking care of home and trying to adjust to new surroundings.

I am really feeling both depressed and anxious right now. It feels impossible to make the sift from Tony to another therapist. I don’t know if I can find a therapist that I trust and feel so comfortable with like Tony. I’ve never had one that could talk to the way I do with Tony. I am afraid of others not understanding my pain which only inflicts more pain. I don’t think anyone else is going to understand at the level that Tony does with my situation.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. I feel stranded out here away from my support. I am afraid of Tony just cutting me off due to distance and the demand of clients for his time. I finally find a therapist that really “gets it” and now I have that taken away from . I am kind of angry about this. I almost feel like I won’t survive this transition. I’ve lost my support and life line.

I feel fragile and sensitive right now and I am afraid that some one is going to say or do something that will break me, even destroy me so much that I will not recover. I feel like a wound that has been opened up and exposed, hurting terribly, it is raw and extremely painful. I feel exposed and vulnerable and unprotected.

I feel so trapped. I feel like I am unable to talk and communicate with others because there seems to be this blockage, wall, or some kind of lid or barrier that has closed up the opening and nothing can get out. My voice is not able to get out and be expressed. This whole process and transition seems impossible.

I don’t really know how to put these overwhelming feelings into words. I feel so weighed down my debt and every time I spend money I feel this huge weight is dragging me down and I am going to drown in it all.

We just cannot afford for me to be checking out different therapists. Because I have to pay to see them and money is scarce. I honestly don’t have the strength and stamina to get a job and that is a scary feeling. I don’t feel secure or safe.

I feel very stuck and unable to move forward with this transition. I am upset and thinking I am not going to recover from the effects of the abuse I had experienced. I just feel so messed up and confused.

I feel confused inside a lot and I’m having a hard time getting in touch with myself. I feel like so small and little right now. I think I feel anger at God and Drew for moving down here. I wish Drew had been willing to wait a little longer. I wish that God would have made it possible for us to stay in New Jersey. It hurts so much to leave Tony, church, and friends. I feel so lonely and scared here.

I'm sorry for complaining about all this. It has just been building up and I probably should not have waited until this point to let it all out. Sometimes I think I'm okay and then other times I feel like I am going to fall apart. I don't know who is the "real" me in this whole thing. I feel like the "me" has somehow been washed away.

I probably sound like a crazy lunatic in this post, but I guess it is sort of a rant or vent, and yet the struggles and pain, the issues etc, are do very real and I am just having a hard time know where to start and what to tackle, and where do I get the strength to tackle them in the first place. Hmmmmmmmm. Well, I'm doing the best I can. I am trying to be okay with my limitations. I am trying to give myself grace, but sometimes things get triggered in me and "boom" this gush of emotion just flood out.

Please forgive my complaining. I just couldn't think of what else to do. I am so lost and lonely here. I'm trying to branch, but it just takes so much energy and right now I have precious little of it. I hope you guys still like me after you have read this post.