turtlemoon
Bronze Member
I could really benefit from some input here. This is really tough for me, but here goes.
I grew up being told about how my biological father molested me as a toddler. About how he beat my mother, locked me in a room for days at a time, and eventually tried to kill us by piling snow up on a running vehicle and leaving us for dead. A friend of my mom's found us just in time. How he didn't want me because I was a girl, and how upset he was over this as a year prior my older brother was stillborn.
And that is a lot to lay on a kid. Over the years, I have come to realize my mom isnt exactly reliable. She is abusive herself, probably with her own untreated ptsd or... who knows. Some elements of the story changed a bit growing up... specifically around how custody was relinquished... first court order, then that he agreed to avoid child support.
I used to have certain memmories. I recall vividly in grade school bursting into tears when asked to write about our earliest memory. What came to mind was him beating my mother. Today at 33 I can not remember that. But there is much of my childhood I do not remember, so much so I am beginning to wonder just how much dissociation I was doing back then.
We also grew up fearing him. I remember having nightmares, no... night terrors, and being terrified of mirrors at night. Still am, but not nearly as bad. The explanation I was told, and feel like at some point I remember was that he told me if I told anyone about the sexual abuse the shadows would come alive at night and kill my family. I remember being a preschooler, maybe kindergarten age, and flipping out in fear because we had just moved and my room had wall to wall mirror tiles. We also were instructed to avoid getting on tv or in the papers, so he wouldnt find us. We lived in a rural place where squirrels often made headlines, so it was tougher than you would think.
A family member I trust told me a pretty horrible tale about my mom showing up at her place, badly battered and pregnant. I do believe abuse took place. I am uncertain the extent, and uncertain if I can trust what I grew up believing.
And I need to figure this out. How it impacts me. I have several other related incidents in my life, the most recent being the worst, but I need to know. And I do not know. This bothered me greatly growing up. Can it have the same impact even if it was just fed to me? Are my earlier recollections something I can trust in?
I grew up being told about how my biological father molested me as a toddler. About how he beat my mother, locked me in a room for days at a time, and eventually tried to kill us by piling snow up on a running vehicle and leaving us for dead. A friend of my mom's found us just in time. How he didn't want me because I was a girl, and how upset he was over this as a year prior my older brother was stillborn.
And that is a lot to lay on a kid. Over the years, I have come to realize my mom isnt exactly reliable. She is abusive herself, probably with her own untreated ptsd or... who knows. Some elements of the story changed a bit growing up... specifically around how custody was relinquished... first court order, then that he agreed to avoid child support.
I used to have certain memmories. I recall vividly in grade school bursting into tears when asked to write about our earliest memory. What came to mind was him beating my mother. Today at 33 I can not remember that. But there is much of my childhood I do not remember, so much so I am beginning to wonder just how much dissociation I was doing back then.
We also grew up fearing him. I remember having nightmares, no... night terrors, and being terrified of mirrors at night. Still am, but not nearly as bad. The explanation I was told, and feel like at some point I remember was that he told me if I told anyone about the sexual abuse the shadows would come alive at night and kill my family. I remember being a preschooler, maybe kindergarten age, and flipping out in fear because we had just moved and my room had wall to wall mirror tiles. We also were instructed to avoid getting on tv or in the papers, so he wouldnt find us. We lived in a rural place where squirrels often made headlines, so it was tougher than you would think.
A family member I trust told me a pretty horrible tale about my mom showing up at her place, badly battered and pregnant. I do believe abuse took place. I am uncertain the extent, and uncertain if I can trust what I grew up believing.
And I need to figure this out. How it impacts me. I have several other related incidents in my life, the most recent being the worst, but I need to know. And I do not know. This bothered me greatly growing up. Can it have the same impact even if it was just fed to me? Are my earlier recollections something I can trust in?
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