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Relationship Chronic break-ups

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Thank you for the wisdom. It's really good to get some insight from others. I still feel useless not to be able to show him I'm not dangerous. At this point we arent even talking and it breaks my f*** heart. I really thought this man was my forever. I thought I was his forever because he told me I was. Part of me still hopes that he will come back to me but at the same time, how many times am I going to go thru a heartbreak like this? I feel hopeless and I'm not sure how I'm gonna trust anyone that tells me they love me or that I'm "perfect for them" or "the one" ever again ?
I know just how you feel. It breaks your heart and leaves you scared....afraid to love again. It makes you wonder, if they feel no empathy at all....I still wonder if mine can’t feel empathy ....if CPTSD has done that to him, if his brain is in flight mode and he has no energy to worry about how I feel, or if he was like that before his trauma. It messes with your mind big time. I think your guy will come back, if he is like my guy....mine always comes back, but at one point you have to decide if you will put up with it. You are not there yet and that is okay! As for me, it doesn’t hurt as much anymore....I have let go of the dream and I am pretty okay with that.

As for loving another man again....yes that shit is scary! I have never been afraid of love before, but I kind of am now...so I hear you loud and clear @Wanderlust ?
 
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It makes you wonder, if they feel no empathy at all....I still wonder if mine can’t feel empathy .....

Sorry, I can’t read all of the posts in detail because it is too triggering, and I haven’t managed to go back on my own post to update it so I can’t just refer you to that. But I just want to mention narcissistic personality disorder and suggest you read up a little about that to see if you see any other behaviours or traits seen in narcs as well in your sufferer. The repeating cycle of intense bonding and then disappearing, returning as if nothing happened, and the lack of empathy that you have alluded to, are typical of narcissists.
The sufferer that I was with did the push-pull thing at least half a dozen times (ghat is what I thought it was at the time anyway)....each time the ‘together’ was shorter (the first time we were together a year before he did it....the last time literally a couple of weeks) and the disappearing was longer (the first time less than 24 hours and the last one months). I thought it was all PTSD related. Long story short it was not, I was trauma bonded. In the end he cheated on me (I consider having secret private conversations and trying to become emotionally intimate with another women cheating - I get not everyone does) ....at the very least he set up a new supply before we finished....to me it is all the same thing, and we broke up for the final time.

The best thing I ever did, and the hardest, was telling him no when he tried to come back after she went back to her husband. This was after he (and his new supply) literally gave me the silent treatment for 3 solid months (our kids play on the same team - so you would think that would be impossible wouldn’t you?). He came back like nothing happened.....like every other time. This time when I didn’t take him back (this was the first he had brought another woman into it so my choice was much easier for me because I will never be with a cheater - although the actual doing was unspeakably painful and devastating) he did finally apologize and begged me to take him back telling me I was the love of his life, his soul mate, ‘let’s get married’. ‘I’ll move in’....and some much more...(all of that he has said a million times before)...but when I wouldn’t he turned REALLY nasty and threatened me.....at some point I will update my post on the supporters forum with more detail. I just need a bit more healing time.

Anyway, I am just putting it out there. I’m not saying that your sufferer has this disorder, or is on the spectrum. I am just trying to save anyone I can from going through what I did. Some of the behaviours of PTSD and NPD can be confused because they can be interpreted as being similar in some cases like push-pull of PTSD and the way narcs treat their supply with love-bombing-devalue-discard (rinse and repeat) Just because they have PTSD doesn’t mean they can’t have NPD. They can coexist (and I also do not doubt there are narcs that pretend that they are ex military or first responders with PTSD to reel empathetic people in but that was not the case with mine - he definitely suffered from PTSD as well). and when you start excusing inexcusable behaviour because of their PTSD you are ripe for being taken advantage of by a narcissist.

Peace.
 
Hi

Yes I have read a lot on NPD and I dont believe he suffers from that. He has never been nasty or selfish even when he breaks up. When he comes back, he does not act like nothing happens. He is extremely apologetic and explained to me what was going thru his head and emotions. He is probably one of the most selfless person I know.

Yes exactly to all of this. How do they not realize they are hurting us is beyond me. I realized this morning that he blocked me so I cant even communicate via calls or text messages. I really dont know what I did to deserve this.
 
Yes exactly to all of this. How do they not realize they are hurting us is beyond me. I realized this morning that he blocked me so I cant even communicate via calls or text messages. I really dont know what I did to deserve this.

Please know that I am coming from a loving place with all of this because I have been there. Everyone’s relationship is different and no one has the right to judge it.
We can only talk about our own experiences, and from what we have learnt from our therapists, from this website and from the other ways we educate ourselves.

From my perspective, I would stop trying to communicate with him. With PTSD the more you try and hold on to or communicate with or chase them when they are isolating the more they will run. I know that can be very difficult, especially when you are confused with why they left to begin with. But you are not doing yourself any favours by expending that energy right now.
Focus on yourself. Do things you love.
Try something new. Occupy yourself.

The point is you did nothing to ‘deserve’ this. Whether it is PTSD or NPD or another mental health disease or something else (yep, there are just plain selfish assholes out there), some people are simply not capable of being in healthy balanced long term relationships.

No one should feel alone, or unsafe, or unloved, or misunderstood in a relationship. No one deserves people disappearing without a word or the silent treatment (call it PTSD isolation if you want to, but, again, I would look to those supporters on here who are ‘successful’ in their relationships and I would suggest that this does not happen in them or there are at the very least some modified communications during these times or they wouldn’t be able to be successful long term.).

I have said this before but no matter what people suffer from or have gone through, that does not excuse bad behaviour. They are still making choices and are responsible for their words and actions. You need to decide what you are willing to accept and you need to establish and stick to your boundaries (boy, did I ever have to work on mine).

Sometimes it does not get better.
The question is, can you live with this if it keeps happening over and over and over again? Because there is every possibility that it might.

Know that, regardless, you will be okay. The fact that you have been a supporter and weathered the storms of the past shows that. Our tendency, as supporters, is to put the sufferer and their needs first. Right now you need to focus some of that compassion and empathy onto yourself.

Peace.
 
Sorry, I can’t read all of the posts in detail because it is too triggering, and I haven’t managed to go back on my own post to update it so I can’t just refer you to that. But I just want to mention narcissistic personality disorder and suggest you read up a little about that to see if you see any other behaviours or traits seen in narcs as well in your sufferer. The repeating cycle of intense bonding and then disappearing, returning as if nothing happened, and the lack of empathy that you have alluded to, are typical of narcissists.
The sufferer that I was with did the push-pull thing at least half a dozen times (ghat is what I thought it was at the time anyway)....each time the ‘together’ was shorter (the first time we were together a year before he did it....the last time literally a couple of weeks) and the disappearing was longer (the first time less than 24 hours and the last one months). I thought it was all PTSD related. Long story short it was not, I was trauma bonded. In the end he cheated on me (I consider having secret private conversations and trying to become emotionally intimate with another women cheating - I get not everyone does) ....at the very least he set up a new supply before we finished....to me it is all the same thing, and we broke up for the final time.

The best thing I ever did, and the hardest, was telling him no when he tried to come back after she went back to her husband. This was after he (and his new supply) literally gave me the silent treatment for 3 solid months (our kids play on the same team - so you would think that would be impossible wouldn’t you?). He came back like nothing happened.....like every other time. This time when I didn’t take him back (this was the first he had brought another woman into it so my choice was much easier for me because I will never be with a cheater - although the actual doing was unspeakably painful and devastating) he did finally apologize and begged me to take him back telling me I was the love of his life, his soul mate, ‘let’s get married’. ‘I’ll move in’....and some much more...(all of that he has said a million times before)...but when I wouldn’t he turned REALLY nasty and threatened me.....at some point I will update my post on the supporters forum with more detail. I just need a bit more healing time.

Anyway, I am just putting it out there. I’m not saying that your sufferer has this disorder, or is on the spectrum. I am just trying to save anyone I can from going through what I did. Some of the behaviours of PTSD and NPD can be confused because they can be interpreted as being similar in some cases like push-pull of PTSD and the way narcs treat their supply with love-bombing-devalue-discard (rinse and repeat) Just because they have PTSD doesn’t mean they can’t have NPD. They can coexist (and I also do not doubt there are narcs that pretend that they are ex military or first responders with PTSD to reel empathetic people in but that was not the case with mine - he definitely suffered from PTSD as well). and when you start excusing inexcusable behaviour because of their PTSD you are ripe for being taken advantage of by a narcissist.

Peace.
I am convinced there is no NPD ? but thanks for sharing ?

Yes exactly to all of this. How do they not realize they are hurting us is beyond me. I realized this morning that he blocked me so I cant even communicate via calls or text messages. I really dont know what I did to deserve this.
I guess he is protecting himself....you did nothing wrong. He is surviving on a daily basis. That doesn’t make it alright to block you though.
 
Do they always come back? What makes them come back?

My boyfriend who suffers from combat PTSD just recently rekindled our relationship again in December. during the time of our breakup, he called me and I had a nice conversation with him, then out of the blue he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I politely told him that I was casually dating, he got upset so I got kinda worked up and told him it wasn’t any of his concern what or who I am seeing or dating. The conversation ended and we didn’t talk to eachother for a month. He would randomly text me out of the blue. I started to get frustrated because I felt as though he was playing mind games with me. I had to distance myself from him and not allow him to think I’m always gonna be there. Because in a way I was. I was always accessible to him for whatever needs he may have. I put my foot down. so fast forward 2 months and we’re now back together. last night we had a conversation and he said “So... when i found myself mad and jealous you've been dating, I realized it wasn't the sex I had a problem with, but just not being involved in Your life and knowing you're safe.” Our breakup was tough, but it showed me that I can’t be the person to try to “fix” him. I can only be there for him as much as he’s willing to allow me to be and when he does need that time alone, respect his boundaries. While putting myself and my own needs first. Taking that time for myself and not fixating on what’s going wrong or if he’s okay or how I can help. He has to do the work to get himself to a healthy place.
 
I have an observation from being around this forum for a good while. It’s not necessarily aimed at anybody in particular, just my two cents.

Even if somebody has PTSD, they still need to participate in the relationship if they want to be in one. That should be the bare standard in a partner. Some degree of effort to be with you.

Don’t be a martyr in order to keep somebody around. If you let somebody inconsistently pop in and out of your life, that’s what they’re going to do forever. You have shown them how to treat you. You deserve a relationship that meets your needs and makes you happy.

If you do some reading, a lot of supporters don’t last long here. Most of them come here with “isolating” partners who bail with no regard over and over, who push-pull, who break up and come back. We’ve had people hang on for y.e.a.r.s. waiting for people who never came back. The ones that make it long term have something in common. They don’t tolerate this behavior. Yes, push-pull is common with sufferers... but so aren’t failed relationships.

It is so hard to watch. People think you’re a bitch or cold when you tell them this. They accuse you of telling them to break up with their boyfriend when they’re “ride or die”. Nobody understands their love, etc. It’s not like that at all, this advice coming from a caring place. I’d love nothing more than to help somebody be happier in a relationship with somebody who loves them. And usually if you look, the people giving this advice are the supporters who have long term, functioning relationships.

There is no trick to getting somebody to stick around... no method to follow to get somebody to come back, no right thing to say or do. Your partner with PTSD has to be healthy enough to participate in a relationship. There has to be more good than bad. They have to work just as hard as you do, even if they fall short sometimes. They have to put in the effort. They have to want it too. I don’t remember anybody coming on here to tell us how their isolating partner has suddenly improved and started treating them better. Most of the ones that have worked out *have* worked out because the supporter decided that if their partners want to be with them, then their partners need to pull their heads out of their asses and be with them. If not, *they* were done. And they meant it.
 
I have an observation from being around this forum for a good while. It’s not necessarily aimed at anybody in particular, just my two cents.

Even if somebody has PTSD, they still need to participate in the relationship if they want to be in one. That should be the bare standard in a partner. Some degree of effort to be with you.

Don’t be a martyr in order to keep somebody around. If you let somebody inconsistently pop in and out of your life, that’s what they’re going to do forever. You have shown them how to treat you. You deserve a relationship that meets your needs and makes you happy.

If you do some reading, a lot of supporters don’t last long here. Most of them come here with “isolating” partners who bail with no regard over and over, who push-pull, who break up and come back. We’ve had people hang on for y.e.a.r.s. waiting for people who never came back. The ones that make it long term have something in common. They don’t tolerate this behavior. Yes, push-pull is common with sufferers... but so aren’t failed relationships.

It is so hard to watch. People think you’re a bitch or cold when you tell them this. They accuse you of telling them to break up with their boyfriend when they’re “ride or die”. Nobody understands their love, etc. It’s not like that at all, this advice coming from a caring place. I’d love nothing more than to help somebody be happier in a relationship with somebody who loves them. And usually if you look, the people giving this advice are the supporters who have long term, functioning relationships.

There is no trick to getting somebody to stick around... no method to follow to get somebody to come back, no right thing to say or do. Your partner with PTSD has to be healthy enough to participate in a relationship. There has to be more good than bad. They have to work just as hard as you do, even if they fall short sometimes. They have to put in the effort. They have to want it too. I don’t remember anybody coming on here to tell us how their isolating partner has suddenly improved and started treating them better. Most of the ones that have worked out *have* worked out because the supporter decided that if their partners want to be with them, then their partners need to pull their heads out of their asses and be with them. If not, *they* were done. And they meant it.
Amen to that!
 
What does your sufferer say when they come back ? Do you live together and they just leave? Do they realize the damage ? Why dont they realize during the episode that they're going thru an episode ?
Someone with PTSD can know they are symptomatic just like someone with cancer can know they have cancer. Doesn’t mean that knowing is the cure. Insight helps, but isn’t the cure. Takes work, treatment, etc. Even with all of that, some will battle it for a lifetime.
we have always promised each other "to not let go"
Listen to his actions, not his words. He lets you go all the time. All. The. Time. Then blames you for not being close to him. Like he doesn’t even understand what a break up is for someone else. Ugh!
Our relationship hasnt been stressful at all , we dont fight or argue and get along so well.
Closeness can be stressful. Good things can be stressful. PTSD itself can be stressful.
Part of me still hopes that he will come back to me but at the same time, how many times am I going to go thru a heartbreak like this? I feel hopeless and I'm not sure how I'm gonna trust anyone that tells me they love me or that I'm "perfect for them" or "the one" ever again
The more you can get space from him and his chaos, and begin to connect with others and experience love with someone who can actually sustain a relationship and keep their word, the easier it will be to relearn to trust again. Dating is about finding not just someone you love but someone who is the right fit. This guy just isn’t the right fit. It doesn’t make all partners untrustworthy. Don’t lose hope!
 
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