Chronic Ptsd

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

My last therapist sat and stared at me. After explaining to her that I had to recently breathe life back into my eldest son because he overdosed, she added. "Monstrous, your life is monstrous." Needless to say, I never went back.

My lifetime trauma began with my first dead body at the age of four when I witnessed a seven year old girl get her head flattened by car as she fell in front of the right front tire. My second husband was gunned down in front of me, my first husband held a knife to my throat and my third husband was an alcoholic and abusive, and I found his dead body.

Another therapist said I've seen "too many dead bodies."As a newsreporter I dealt with a lot of crime victims and other tragic events, 9/11, Hurricane Rita and Katrina. One too many dead bodies indeed, but I am a fighter. I use my anger to keep me alive and well, but I don't live angry ... just don't piss me off.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and welcome!

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Thank you. This is an informative forum for 'birds of a feather.' Haha ... may our spirited disorders pave the way for a smooth landing!

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

PTSD has destroyed important relationships in my life and has kept me lonely for the most part. At first part of the problem was not knowing what was wrong with me.

For over 40 years I was misdiagnosed, pilled out for disorders that I did not have. It took a doctor from the Middle East to recognize my condition and a retired Army Sgt. with severe PTSD to calm the triggers that set me off, nearly daily.

The anger in me will always be the issue. I can no longer watch the news - it irritates me knowing, what is not being reported and how the media is conditioning the world to their beliefs. Not to mention the horrible things that people will do to one another and other living creatures. PTSD has increased my awareness of tragic events in the world and my emotions run wild, like a death in the family, mine.

 

[anthony]

Hey Linda, welcome to the forum. Yep... I think some therapists just get burnt out and don't realise it. Pretty nasty comments to make too a client.

 

[Cheshire]

Welcome to the forum, Linda. I hope you can find a bit of peace here to break up the anger.

 

[Kintsugi]

Welcome. Glad that you joined the community.

 

[UnderstandingAnxiety]

Wow Linda! I'm impressed by your ability to remain strong through those hard times. Keep fighting the good fight!

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Recently I had a trigger go off and, I was pissed off. I have hemochromotosis (high iron in blood) - each month a pint is taken to reduce my iron levels. I had been losing weight because of the blood-letting and I began to pass out while sitting at a table drinking juice. I felt it coming on and looked at a woman at the next table. I said I was going to pass out while I was literally, sliding out of my chair, attempting to hold on as I went down. Meanwhile, this woman said, "do you need help?" Mind you, I'm slinking to the floor. The last thing I remember was I could see the floor - it was two inches away ... I almost made it. When I came around, there was a knot and a bruise on my forehead. The woman was still in her chair. She said to the nurse, "I didn't know she needed any help." DUH!

Yeah, I was pissed... it took a while but I figured out why ... Three times in my life - I have saved a persons life - ran like hell to get to the victims while others, close by, just stood there. I was pissed cause no one was there to catch me when I fell, but I'm over it. There are people on guard for those who FREEZE. I happened to let my guard down. (last sentence is an attempt at humor)

To be strong is an everyday job, like a marriage; you either work at it or it falls apart. Too many times I found myself falling apart. When I forced myself to do 'major projects,' I realized how hard it was to complete them. I had to really, work at it ... I saw the connection.

Once I became aware? I had no excuse but to be grateful for the enlightenment and the inspiration to put up a 'good fight' not only for me, but for those who suffer in silence. "Bury the truth; kill the spirit."

Despite the sadness that invades my moments of joy ... I embrace the sadness for what it is and the mood passes.